The cold

[Cat Dancer]

It's hard when the weather gets cooler to stay warm. It's hard for my mind to stay focused. It's hard to think. I forget things. I remember later. I wish I'd never started this. I wish I could go back and KNOW then what I know now. Everything hurts. I am just so cold. I want to stop, but there is fear. I want to get well, but truly am not sure if I can get well. I don't think anyone knows or understands how much pain is involved. I keep stopping and trying to talk to myself instead of using this to feel, put the emotions into words in my mind, but it doesn't seem to work for long. I turn to the familiar, the known, the easy way. It's so much easier to keep going down an old path than to turn onto a new one. I hate this. I HATE it. I hate me sometimes too.

I'm good. I'm bad. I'm good. I'm bad. I am not good at all. It's all a trick and an illusion. No one can really see me. No one really knows. No one. I just let people think what they want to, but the truth is all locked up inside me. I am very bad. A very bad person. The world is so painful and harsh. I won't give up, but the truth is, I don't how much more I can physically take. How much can a person take?

 

[Into The Light]

you are not a bad person janet. you are a good person. you really are. you think you are fooling us but the truth is you are fooling yourself when you believe you are bad.

 

[braveheart]

I can relate. ((gentle safe hug))

 

[Ashley-Kate]

sorry that you are going through tough times janet ! It isn't easy when you feel so confused with right and rong and what to do and what to not do when you mesure everythign you do down to what time you are going to go to bed at if you are etc ... just keep in mind that you are a good person that the people around you are there for you even though you think that this is you and they have nothing to do with it (if that is what you think) you are not bad no part of you is bad wll maybe the disease the illness but none the less it is an illness and it is not you you are not bad!!!! you are confused !!1
yours trully ashley

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thank you all for responding, listening. It means a lot. I think this disease tricks me and lies to me, screams in my ear how worthless I am, how I deserve nothing but pain and cold forever. Maybe it's true, but maybe it isn't and I have to live like it isn't true even if I don't believe that at all. It just hurts so much. I can't even put it into words really, this pain and agony from not being in control of this thing. It's a sickness, I guess, but it seems I can get so close to being in control, but never close enough. Never. I feel so confused and not sure where to begin getting this in control. Is it about identifying underlying emotions and dealing with them? What is this all about anyway? I don't know. I think it's a pretty serious disorder to struggle with. I can see that it has weakened me and makes me tired, exhausted really.

There's no getting out of it, only going through it somehow. But I can't do it alone. I just can't. It has to be faced head on and soon because I'm not doing so well.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

i know how hard it can seem and i am at a point somewhat like you that i belive that cured is a too vaste term and that it is not for everyone .. such as chemotherapie will help treat some but not all anorexia and bulimia can be treated for some and others will live with it partly for the rest of there lives or intensly for the restof their lives it is a disorder not a phase not a little problem that "heals" over night it is a long struggle and it has it'S ups and downs sometimes we will succeed and then feel that we dropped down so much after but never forget that we were able to succeed and that is what is more important that if we could do it once than we can do it again and yeah sure easier said than done it is hard to try again and then no that we have a high chance of falling right back down . but you can do it we all can do it maybe not completly but we can be able to live again and function normally again !!1 this will not take our lives cause we can't let it do so we have to take controle show that we are stronger!
yours trully ashley

 

[Cat Dancer]

this will not take our lives cause we can't let it

This really stood out to me today. I totally agree. I can't let this take my life or take over my life even though in some ways it already has, but I can take my life back I hope. I think it might be a slow process. And a painful one. I don't know. This probably doesn't make much sense.

 

[Into The Light]

i think it makes sense. it's going to take work to take your life back from the disease, and time. but you've got support and help available to you to do this.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I don't have much strength to do this. I'm having thoughts of suicide because I feel so hopeless about this whole thing.

 

[Into The Light]

it's not hopeless. you've written to your therapist about it. now it can be addressed. :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm going to tell him about these feelings. They're just feelings and just thoughts, but they're still scary.

 

[Into The Light]

that's a good idea. you need to talk about those thoughts and feelings that are generating fear. i think it will help a lot and reduce you fear.