The EX

[jeffrey]

I hope someone can give advice or support.
I went through a terrible break up of a relationship about eighteen weeks ago,vile and unthinkable accusations were made at me in which the police were involved.It was the worst time of my life,i survived it and all charges dropped.Since then i have made great efforts with counselling to overcome this trauma,i`ve tried to be adult about it and accept there is no blame for the faliure of this relationship,we both let it happen,i`ve been through hell and questioned many things about myself and my life as i think my ex also must have.It`s been two months since any contact and i have felt a lot better and am getting on with things the best i can.A few nights ago she contacted me telling me of how she misses and the relationship,i tried to be civil and mend some broken bridges but she seems to be in complete denial and wants me to feel bad as she does and take the blame

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I have a friend who had a similar experience -- it resulted in two nights in the local jail for him initially but in the end charges were dropped against him and she was charged with criminal mischief.

She now contacts him quite regularly but each time he tells her politely but firmly that he is not interested. That usually elicits another flood of insults and accusations and recriminations, which helps to reinforce his decision to have nothing further to do with her.

My guess is that this would probably be a wise decision for you as well. If she can do that once, what is to stop her from trying again the next time she has some grievance against you?

There's an old saying: Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice - shame on me.

 

[ThatLady]

If I were you, the next time she called, I'd simply hang up the phone. I wouldn't bother to try to talk to her. What she did to you was unthinkable, and she has nobody to blame but herself. Let her live with that guilt, learn from it, and grow. You need to go on with your life and put this sad time behind you, hon. )

 

[Lana]

Hi Jeffrey;
I think you provided a very good clue as to why she called: "she seems to be in complete denial and wants me to feel bad"

The good news is that she can't "make" you feel bad, anymore then you can "make" her accept responsibility and be happy. We can't "make" people do anything they don't want to do.

 

[jeffrey]

Thank you again for your replies,
It certainly does help,i am a sensitive soul at heart and i know that my ex plays on this,i know people can`t make others do or feel anything they don`t want to it is only that person that can let it,unfortunately i do let it which affects my day to day life,this i must try to change.I give my power away too freely,always willing to please to get acceptance.I think it`s going to take a long time for me to re-wire my thinking proccess,maybe i need CBT,i have counselling which does help but i think i need more help,this forum is good for this...thanks again

Michael

 

[ThatLady]

It's a good thing to discuss with your therapist, Jeffrey. Learning the lesson that nobody can "make" you do anything, and that all decisions as to what you do are yours alone isn't an easy one to learn. Your therapist can, however, set you on the right path to learning this. Once you've learned, it's a very freeing experience, believe me. )