The Narcissistic Family Portrait

[David Baxter PhD]

The Narcissistic Family Portrait
by Karyl McBride, Ph.D., Psychology Today
May 1, 2011

It can stink and look pretty at the same time

Clinical experience and research show that adult children of narcissists have a difficult time putting their finger on what is wrong. Denial is rampant in the narcissistic family system. "The typical adult from a narcissistic family is filled with unacknowledged anger, feels like a hollow person, feels inadequate and defective, suffers from periodic anxiety and depression, and has no clue about how he or she got that way." (Pressman and Pressman, The Narcissistic Family) It is common for adult children of narcissists to enter treatment with emotional symptoms or relationship issues, but simultaneously display a lack of awareness of the deeper etiology or cause. The narcissistic family hides profound pain.

In a nutshell, the narcissistic family operates according to an unspoken set of rules. Children learn to live with those rules, but they never stop being confused and pained by them, for these rules block children's emotional access to their parents. They are basically invisible - not heard, seen or nurtured. Tragically, conversely, this set of rules allows the parents to have no boundaries with the children and to use and abuse them as they see fit. Sounds awful, doesn't it?

Let's browse some common dynamics from this profoundly dysfunctional intergenerational system. Keep in mind there are degrees of dysfunction on a spectrum depending on the level of narcissism in the parents.

Secrets:
The family secret is that the parents are not meeting the children's emotional needs or they are abusive in some way. This is the norm in the narcissistic family. The message to the children: "Don't tell the outside world...pretend everything is fine."

Image:
The narcissistic family is all about image. The message is: we are bigger, better, have no problems, and we must put on the face of perfection. Children get the messages: "What would the neighbors think?" "What would the relatives think?" What would our friends think?" These are common fears in the family. "Always put a smile on that pretty little face."

Negative Messages:
Children are given spoken and unspoken messages that get internalized. Those messages typically are: "You're not good enough." "You don't measure up." "You are valued for what you do rather than for who you are."

Lack of Parental Hierarchy:
In healthy families there is a strong parental hierarchy where the parents are in charge and shining love, light, guidance, and direction down to the children. In narcissistic families the hierarchy is non-existent. The children are there to serve parental needs.

Lack of Emotional Tune-In:
Narcissistic parents lack the ability to emotionally tune in to their kids. They cannot feel and show empathy or unconditional love. They are typically critical and judgmental.

Lack of Effective Communication:
The most common type of communication in narcissistic families is through triangulation. This is where information is told through one party about another in hopes it will get back to the other party. Information is not direct. Family members talk about each other to other members of the family, but don't confront the individuals directly. Alas, causing the creation of passive-aggressive behavior, tension, and mistrust among family members. When communication is direct, it is often in the form of anger or rage.

Unclear Boundaries:
There are few boundaries in the narcissistic family. Children's feelings are not considered important. Diaries are read, physical boundaries not kept, and emotional boundaries not respected. The right to privacy is not typically a part of the family history.

One Parent Narcissistic, The Other Orbits:
If one parent is narcissistic, it is common for the other parent to have to revolve around the narcissist to keep the marriage intact. Many times the other parent has redeeming qualities to give to the children, but is tied up meeting the needs of the narcissistic spouse. This often leaves the children's needs unmet. Who is there for them?

Siblings Are Not Encouraged To Be Close:
In healthy families, we encourage our children to be loving and close to each other. In narcissistic families, children are pitted against each other and taught competition. There is a constant comparison of who is doing better and who is not. Some children are favored or seen as the golden child and others become the scape-goat for the parents projected negative feelings. Siblings in narcissistic families rarely grow up feeling emotionally connected to each other.

Feelings:
Feelings are denied and not discussed. Children are not taught to embrace their emotions and process them in realistic ways. They are taught to stuff, repress, and are told their feelings don't matter. Narcissistic parents are typically not in touch with their own feelings and therefore project them onto others. This causes a lack of accountability and honesty...not to mention other psychological disorders. If we don't process feelings, they do leak out in other unhealthy ways.

Not Good Enough Messages:
These messages come across loud and clear in the narcissistic family. Some parents actually speak this message in various ways and others just model it to the children. Even with arrogant and boastful behavior, under the veneer of a narcissist is a self-loathing psyche that gets passed to the child.

The Dysfunction Can Be Obvious or Covert:
In narcissist families, the dynamics can be seen or disguised. The dysfunction displayed in violent and abusive homes is usually obvious. Emotional and psychological abuse, as well as neglectful parenting, is often hidden. Where the drama is not displayed as openly to the outside world, it is just as or more damaging to the children.

In reviewing the above dynamics one can see how this kind of family can stink and look pretty at the same time. If you recognize your family here, please know there is hope and recovery. Although we can't change the past, we can take control of the now. We do not have to be defined by the wounded in our family systems. As Mark Twain defines the optimist, I also see the recovering adult child: "A person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness". We can create new life that will flow through us to the future and stop the legacy of distorted love learned in the narcissistic family. If we choose recovery, we can defy intergenerational statistics.

We Can!


Additional Resources:

• Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
• www.nevergoodenough.com
• Is This My Mom? Survey. Use this to assess if your parent has narcissistic traits. It is applicable for men as well.
• FB Parties for Adult Children of Narcissists
• Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing The Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers Workshop
  [*]October 7, 8, 9, 2011 at The Inverness Hotel in Denver. For information, see www.nevergoodenough.com.

Karyl McBride, Ph.D. is a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

 

[MMM]

Thank you,David.I feel validated as I had finally come to realise that my in-laws definately fall into this category which led to a decision to cut all ties with them,when my husband and I separated 3 yrs ago after 50 yrs.of marriage!

 

[Bliss]

Wow. That sounds so much like my family, it's almost eerie to read.
I remember my mom grilling me before going to her mother's. Don't tell grandma this. Don't talk about that. Don't forget to say this, or behave like that. Then proudly displaying me in front of the relatives while I looked up at her, utterly baffled, wondering why she couldn't be nice like this when we were home.
Not encouraging sibblings to be close? My mother constantly pitted my brother and I against each other-to this day we still don't get along.
Triangulation? Oh yeah. Both my parents used to bitch to me about the other. I always found myself stuck in the middle. As I teen I often felt like the referee.
No boundaries? Absolutely. Riffling through my drawers, reading my diary (which I soon learned NOT to keep), chastising me when they discovered my personal feelings about them. I wasn't even allowed to shut my bedroom door, especially if a friend came over.
Lack of emotional support (I couldn't confide in my parents--when I did, I was either mocked or yelled it).
Repress feelings? Yep. If I dared to voice my anger, I was slapped in the face. My mother used to slap me, both arms peddling the air like a windmill, until I fell sobbing at her feet. Then I'd stare up at her, angry, full of rage thinking 'I hate you.' She'd laugh and say 'I know what you're thinking' which always startled me. Then she'd smile, this smug, proud of herself smile and say, "I feel the same way too."
I used to go to bed at night, praying to God, asking him to 'make her die'. Then I'd think, wait, who will take care of me? So I'd cry and beg God to forgive me, that I didn't mean it, and would be terrified something would happen to her (Maybe that explains why I'm now an atheist )
I was constantly critisised, no matter what I did; I could've done better. To this dayl I still deal with the feeling of 'not being good enough.' I don't feel pride in my accomplishments. Some insidious voice always murmurs 'If you can do this, anyone can.' This in fact, really hit home last summer. I'm a writer. I've sold and published 3 books with an American publisher. Wow, right? I should be proud of myself, right? I've accomplished something many aspire to achieve, but few do.
OK, I was pleased when I received my first publishing offer, but proud? No. I kept saying 'it doesn't feel real'. I thought maybe when I see the book cover. Nope. Then it was maybe when I hold the published book in my hands? Still no. When folks at work show up with a copy of my book and ask for an autograph, I want to duck under my desk. When people tell me they're reading my book, I feel embarassed. What gives?
So yeah, that was my family.

 

[heatherly]

Any time I begin to have doubts about my family being narcissistic all I have to do is read this. We were pitted against each other and learned to talk behind each other's backs, as a result we are not close. My diary was read as were my boyfriend's letters to me. When my oldest sister took a bottle of pills my mom walked her around the room to keep her awake instead of taking her to the hospital because she was afraid of what people would think. And on and on.

 

[je9je9]

And I thought I was the crazy one?

 

[Frazzled]

Thank you for the post. It helps to know that what I have been experiencing is recognizable, that it happens this way.

 

[Darkside]

Thanks for posting this. It is very enlightening.

When I think about my own family I see a lot of this that looks familiar. But when I look back even further I see the multi-generational dimension. Both of my parents believed in a sort of social and familial entitlement. My mother not so much for her family but for who she married and her good looks. She traded on that most of her life but all of her skills are devoted to making herself look good - to be admired and thought of highly by important people. I've realized in later years that while she is "book smart" she has very little depth. There is no "wisdom that comes with age" it is only about looks and admiration. She is shallow and if she pays attention to someone, even her children, it is not because of some genuine interest in them as people, but rather it is about how that person can make her look good.

She grew up in the depression and her father didn't even finish 7th grade. He was smart, but only street smart. However, he couldn't hold a job and my mother's family frequently moved around when they were evicted. He was an alcoholic (only found this out recently) and was mean when he drank. Later when he quit drinking he was a "dry drunk." When she was a child the family split up several times with some of the family living with one relative and the rest with another relative. My mother was one of 5 children. Her older brother was the "star" of the family and she idolized him. He played college football and was the starting QB for a team that played in the Cotton Bowl. He was killed at Bastogne in WWII at 22. She had another brother who was not a star, but was very intelligent. He could have been a writer but he chose to be a teacher for most of his life. He became an alcoholic and decided he liked young boys at age 70. My mother was the oldest girl and very, very beautiful. She parlayed her good looks and married my father who was the child of a prominent family - very wealthy and well to do. She got what she didn't have growing up by marrying into status and prestige. The quintessential social climber.

There is no way to know the impact of an alcoholic unemployed father or the pain of losing a son/brother in war. There is also no way to know what kind of things may have been going on that never came to light. My mother once told me about an uncle who tried to seduce her when she was 14. Somehow he ended up with her in a motel room and she said she slept in a chair while he got drunk. I wonder sometimes about parts that she doesn't remember or doesn't talk about.

My father's father traveled a lot and was not home and from what I can tell he was not much of a father or a husband. He and my grandmother fought constantly and even threw things and hit each other. My grandmother doted on my father and my grandfather doted on my aunt. The family was split down the middle. To be sure, my grandmother was the favorite child in her family and got the best of everything. My guess that she became a tyrannical bitch and my grandfather couldn't stand her. They also had a child - another girl - who was born with some sort of disability and died at age 4. My grandfather (my father's father) grew up very poor with 10 siblings. However, he was very outgoing and learned how to ingratiate himself to important people. He became a very successful attorney and a Federal Judge at 50, but according to what I have been told he rarely gave my father the time of day. He died at age 55 when my dad was 20. A year later my father joined the army and fought in Europe (WWII) and was shot twice.

One never knows the kind of grief and injury that can be caused by losing a sister and a father and then facing the horrors of war.

So now here we are. My brother and father are gone, my mother is 92, has dementia (along with how knows what else - NPD??) and my sister is a very difficult person (probably because she was abused and the scapegoat, and constantly told how difficult she was as a child) but she is also grown into a repeat boundary breaker. She does not respect other people's "fences" and thinks nothing of kicking them down when it suits her. But never overtly - always with plausible deniability. She and my brother never got along, but I now suspect it was because they were triangulated by my mother and father. They did that to keep them in line and control them. I can see how they sabotaged them, turned them against each other and when they both went into adulthood with severe emotional issues my parents blamed it on someone else in the family who "ruined them." My brother committed suicide in 1997.

My father went crazy in the his last few years - especially after my brother died. Almost all of his friends deserted him - even childhood friends. He wrote anonymous letters about his friend's wives and then ended friendships when they discovered it was him and became angry and confronted him. Instead of offering my father some support and compassion, and urging him to get help, my mother turned on him and blamed him (She called him "Mr. Hyde") and told everyone he was losing his mind. All this she did because what he said and did made her look bad. Making him a villain was the only way to save face. Now everyone would feel sorry for her - "poor thing, she lost her son and now she has to live with this man."

She became a martyr and my father never understood what happened. Her her main coping mechanism when something happened she didn't want to face has always been to lie and deny, and I think at the end of his life my father had had enough. But he didn't know what he was dealing with so he just dropped down into this demented angry state which landed him in a locked dementia unit of a nursing home. My mother even had me convinced it was all my dad -- until that last few years when I began to see what he saw. The constant lying, the selfishness, manipulativeness and most notably the lack of true empathy and compassion. It was all about her and there was no real depth to her soul. She long since abandoned any of that to survive I'm sure.

So here I am at age 58 trying to come to grips with the fact that I grew up in a terribly dysfunctional family that goes back several generations and probably with a narcissistic mother who was never the mother I wanted and needed; something she was not able to be for reasons that are probably not her fault.

And I am trying to forgive her for never being there -- really there -- for any of us but most especially for me. It is hard because she thinks she was there and she made the argument all her life (and most people believed her) that she was always there for her family and that she suffered every misfortune with her children and husband. In her mind I am sure that is true, but the truth is she was not there -- not even close by. She was in her own world where she was the Queen and we all served to make her look and feel better.

I am also trying to figure out if maybe I have some narcissistic behaviors too. How could I not growing up in this family. I know sometimes I feel entitled, act arrogant and lack empathy for others.

One of the bullet points above describes adult children of narcissistic families as always feeling like something is wrong, but never able to put their finger on it. I am glad, no matter how old I am, that I have at least some inkling ... not a clear picture but I've figured out mor in the past 4 years than in the 40 years before that.

 

[MHealthJo]

Wow - what an incredible amount of family history insight! The effort put into getting this is surely worthwhile.

Who knows how many links in an 'unhealthy chain' we can break, loosen, or re-work, simply by looking deeper, and by starting to not quite buy or uphold every 'official story' promoted by the powerful characters...

...especially horrid fictional stories about yourselves that you had been made to believe...

Love to you all.

 

[Darkside]

You know what's strange? When I read back over this I feel very little. Seems like I should be angry, fearful, or grief-stricken. Oh, sometimes I feel something, but right now it all seems so sterile and I feel so far removed emotionally.

Is intellectualizing a defense mechanism?

There is a little boy who grew up in this home where he was taught that everyone was royalty, but where everyone was highly abusive to him and to each other. I've got to find that little boy and try to get him to trust me. He hides a lot and doesn't trust many people - maybe not anyone, and so he feels pretty lonely. If he speaks out he is afraid he will be ridiculed or told he is a liar and is making up stories. He is afraid that people will laugh at him or tell him he is selfish and that he is lucky to have grown up in such a fine family and not to be so ungrateful.