The Power and Control Addiction
by Dr. Dan Bochner
“An honest private man often grows cruel and abandoned when converted into an absolute prince. Give a man power of doing what he pleases with impunity, you extinguish his fear, and consequently overturn in him one of the great pillars of morality.” ~ Joseph Addison
Of course we know why people seek power and why they need to control others. Seeking power indicates the need to overcome an inner feeling of powerlessness. Needing to control expresses a feeling that things in general, and especially other people, are out of one’s control. These traits seem to run rampant in the world around us and there is barely anyone who isn’t upset by them. In fact, those who want power and control are even more upset by others who want power and control than the rest of us due to their competitive nature and their view that there can be only one dominant person. For someone not afflicted with these desires, the powerful and controlling are irritating because they step on everyone’s toes with rarely any awareness or, even more rarely, any regret. It’s also infuriating that those seeking power and control often achieve power and control and often seem to garner more respect than anyone else. It is clear as well that those seeking power and control are not mentally healthy. However, their success is intoxicating to them, thus making the possibility of change extremely limited.
Power and control are so intoxicating, in fact, that they can be considered to be addictive, and there are many power and control addicts. There are problems for the person who seeks power and control (that is, the power and control addict) that might make them think twice about their ways, if only they could become aware of those problems. But the prevailing feelings of power and control prevent awareness of the problem. Essentially, power and control are defenses against feelings of inadequacy, weakness, fear, being unlovable or unloved, and being worthless. Obviously, if a person feels such wretched feelings, there is huge motivation to keep those feelings under wraps. Power and control specifically help in keeping those feelings under wraps. Of course, if someone is feeling powerful and in control, it is unlikely that they will feel inadequate, unloved, or worthless.
So where do these needs come from? There are three primary patterns that lead to the development of a need for power and control, and there is tremendous overlap between the three. The first is the experience of being dominated as a child and the observation that becoming dominant is the only solution for overcoming a feeling of extreme submission. The second is the child who tries desperately to please a difficult-to-please parent with perfection in all they do but who never feels they have actually succeeded in pleasing that parent, so in their perfectionism and efforts to please when they become adults, they require that everyone around them be perfect too. The third is a type that is born with so much intensity that they naturally become aggressive when displeased and then never get their intensity under control because it feels so good when others give in. These three types overlap quite naturally since dominating parents are often perfectionists and/or intense. Nevertheless, all three can be separate as well, and, thus, will be briefly discussed below in uncovering the motivations behind each characteristic path.
Dominating parents are of many assorted types. There are those who need things perfect, those who lack self-control and those who lack the ability to love. The need to dominate, however, always indicates a problem with a mixture of feelings involving vulnerability and insignificance. Those feelings are very easily transmitted over generations since the interpersonal solution that balances one’s inner feelings of vulnerability and insignificance is dominance, which then leads those who are dominated to feel vulnerable and insignificant. As a child who needs the care that a parent can provide, there is no choice but to submit. However, that same child will often dominate friends and acquaintances and, as an adult, will dominate co-workers and their own spouses and children. Because their dominance helps them feel strong and significant, it is extremely difficult for a dominant type to change. The dominant parent rarely sees that they cause any problems or that they have any problems because their dominance so perfectly compensates for their inner feelings which are the polar opposite of how they behave.
A second type of power and control comes from being as perfect as possible. Those who are trying to be perfect attempt to please themselves in a way that they have learned would be the right thing to do, but which also camouflages and conceals the unconscious desire to finally attain unconditional positive regard (please see article “The Obsessive-Compulsive Personality”). Many such individuals love, and have known love, but also had always thought the love they received was conditional and that they had to be truly good, moral, giving, meticulous, and forthright to finally attain the kind of love they really wanted. Because these individuals often were truly loved, they now see their behavior as the consequence of challenging themselves, as opposed to a reflection of a need to please others. In fact, quite often, they see themselves as exemplifying the pinnacle of correctness or as paragons of virtue. That is where their dominance and control gets involved. These “perfect” people often expect others to live to their standards. They use many different kinds of influence to make sure others do things “right” such as setting the standard, worrying, or disdain at anything they feel is not worthy of their attention. Of course, these traits, just like those in the dominating parent, are also often transmitted over generations as children feel they must comply or fail to achieve approval, which then leads to perfectionism and control of friends, acquaintances, and family members.
The third type of power and control comes specifically from individuals who behave in very intense ways and learn that such intense behavior leads to getting what they want. Some children are born with this intensity, but it can also come from behavior that initially occurred during childhood illness when the child was not disciplined for fear that it would further harm the child or from families where children are spoiled and treated as though they are more important than the parents. The one commonality is that the child learns that intensely aggressive or angry behavior leads to others backing off and giving in. Once that connection is established, the child has a hard time containing the behavior that is so successful at getting the child what is wanted. This third type has their biggest difficulty when someone does attempt to curb their behavior with discipline, or sometimes with even relatively minor suggestions. Because they develop such a strong sense that their intense emotions are legitimate and uncontrollable, they perceive anyone saying no to them as an affront. They respond to very subtle cues of disagreement or of discipline with extreme outrage, and in that way, they achieve their goal of getting what they want.
In fact, this is the commonality that must be overcome to some extent in all three types of power and control. The feeling that others back off or give in when a person acts dominant or controlling creates an indelible association for the power and control addict. Their aggressive behaviors are permanently associated with success at pursuing immediate gratification. If others do not make it clear that aggressive, dominating, or controlling behavior rarely results in a positive outcome, then those who behave in dominant and controlling ways will feel so powerful that they will never want to relinquish their dominant behavior. The thinking pattern goes like this:
“Although in many ways this world seems like complete chaos, and I often feel weak and insignificant or unworthy of love, the world does give me anything I want as soon as I become aggressive, unruly, or angry. That means I decide what I get or don’t get. I need only become angry or bossy or seemingly lose control of myself and, abracadabra, what I wanted appears before me like magic. I do not need to delay gratification. I get immediate gratification anytime.”
This perspective is not actually conscious in most cases. If you observe enough individuals with this problem, however, you will see that their behavior does truly manifest this belief, whether it is conscious or not.
The biggest problem in childhood is when the behavior is initially caused by inborn intensity (when extreme enough, this intensity is considered “bipolar disorder”). When the behavior has developed primarily due to parenting style, changes in parenting style usually succeed in changing the behavior. Parents need to work together and be consistent, and where there has been a problem with giving in, they must inform the child there will be no more giving in and then proceed to never (yes, I mean never) give in even if it means the child must be physically restrained, hospitalized, or sent to jail. Inborn intensity, however, truly complicates matters. Intense reactions that start in the womb can create havoc as a child actually perceives their desire for what they want as though it is truly uncontrollable. Many of these types of children grow up being told they have no control of themselves, which worsens matters. They then believe there is little reason to try to change since it presumably would not work. However, when these children grow a little older and they start to see how their behavior causes them very negative consequences, sometimes they start to get motivated to change. Quite commonly, those whose problem is primarily intensity, but who feel very close to their family members, feel horrible when their aggressive behavior becomes hurtful and damages those they love. Nevertheless, the power they have experienced in the past, combined with the intensity of their emotions, makes it seem to them almost impossible to control themselves when the aggressive urge arises.
The power one experiences, regardless of which type, is very much an addiction. In fact, it is the fact that the behavior continues for long periods in spite of negative consequences that makes it so clear that there is an addiction to power and control. In the worst cases, the consequences are very obvious as the aggressiveness gets some individuals in serious trouble with law enforcement or in school. At a more subtle level, however, individuals who crave power and control, and who behave in dominant or controlling ways, rarely maintain good relationships with others. Their family members often avoid them and their friendships rarely last very long. When they have children, the children rarely stay in frequent contact after they’ve grown. Sometimes it seems remarkable that such individuals even have families. However, their success in life often makes them extremely attractive at a certain level and they do tend to attract mates and have children.
In fact, many power and control addicts do have incredibly successful careers. However, they are always ultimately alone. No one feels close to a person who bullies them. No one feels close to someone who controls them. If others have to do what the power and control addict wants, they will be scared of disappointing that person, but they won’t love them. Not only will loved ones leave, but they won’t even miss the power and control addict. Instead, they’ll feel they’ve finally gotten free. Bullies lose those they think love them as soon as there is any sign of their vulnerability. Many people will be there for them only because they have had to be, or because they have feared what would happen if they didn’t do what the power and control addict expected. To the extent that these relationships were built on the usefulness of the power and control addict, as opposed to love, when the power and control addict is no longer useful, there remains no reason to stay in contact.
Strangely, having power and control over others makes it impossible to even know those others or their motivations, so even those who seem to love the power and control addict are often merely pleasing them. If we believe someone loves us, then we can assume the reason they do things for us or stay true to us or work their hardest to do the things we like is because they want to do it themselves. Unfortunately, people who need someone for any reason can be very good at seeming to be in agreement. The problem is, if they do not feel free to be who they want to be, if they do things thinking they have to and not because they are following their own feelings, then nothing they do can be trusted by the power and control addict. Because they have been forced to do things in their relationship with the power and control addict, even the loving things they do are being done because they feel they must. Many times, people are so controlled by a power and control addict that they don’t even know how they feel. When they finally feel free, they often behave in ways that are contrary to the power and control addict’s wishes. Even that behavior does not express who they really are, since it merely expresses their desire to be opposed to what is expected from them.
People are only free to love when they are not intimidated and controlled. Only by receiving unconditional love does a person truly blossom into what they really want to be. Only the sense that one is unconditionally loved can lead to a true sense of freedom or a feeling within one that one has true value. This feeling, that one’s way of being is valuable and loved in and of itself and not for its utility to someone else, is the cornerstone of self-esteem. Sometimes the lack of self-esteem that comes from being dominated will lead to people staying with, or continuing to please, the power and control addict, since it makes the controlled person continue to believe that the only way to gain positive regard is to successfully please the power and control addict. However, only if a person knows they are worthy of love, only if they have self-esteem, are they able to actually love others. If a person is controlled, their love is meaningless. They are not free to decide who or what they love. They act loving because they must. If they are free, however, they are free to decide who and what they love. Power and control addicts end up lonely and bereft of love. Those around them are not free and thus can’t love, and as soon as they have any self-esteem, they leave. The character of the power and control addict makes it impossible to love others because they only approve of others to the extent that others please them. So just as they cannot love, it is also impossible for the power and control addict to be loved by others.
Unfortunately, it is very difficult to show those addicted to power and control the error of their ways. Some, as indicated above, will see that they hurt others and then feel badly. Those are the ones that are genetically intense, however, and once they realize that they seem to hurt others due to their extreme reactions, they often agree to seek treatment. Those who are not genetically intense, but nevertheless dominate and control others with their high standards and dominant attitudes, can also sometimes see how their behavior hurts those they love. Children or spouses of power and control addicts can often be instrumental in getting the power and control addict to recognize how they affect others. They have a huge impact, especially when they want to forge a relationship, but find themselves also wanting to get away and be free. Intervening in a way that has some efficacy, however, requires a very specific kind of communicating. Generally speaking, although it is exactly the opposite of what will come naturally, being vulnerable with the power and control addict is the only way to get through to the power and control addict.
The power and control addict’s behavior, one must remember, is directly connected to feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy. They have felt that way and overcome those feelings with their dominant and controlling behavior. Their behavior currently covers up those feelings and they remain capable of identifying with those feelings within those whom they deem important. Therefore, when someone they care about says they are hurt, the power and control addict often can’t stand the idea that they are responsible for creating within someone they care for the very same feelings that they themselves can’t stand within themselves. In fact, it is within the context of getting in touch with their own vulnerable and inadequate feelings, even if it is within someone else, that the power and control addict is finally able to behave in a loving manner. If the pain they are causing is similar enough to the pain they have experienced, and it is typically almost identical, the power and control addict is actually capable of connecting in a way that causes guilt and responsibility for the feelings of others. This experience of guilt and responsibility makes the power and control addict capable of changing their behavior.
The way to communicate with the power and control addict is actually quite specific. Unfortunately, the power and control addict is extremely sensitive to blame, and can point the finger back at anyone who points the finger at them. The only way to avoid the blame game with the power and control addict is to specifically state how something that has happened has left you “hurt.” Sometimes it is even necessary to state, in the most vulnerable way a person can imagine, that much of the fault lies with you. Taking responsibility yourself will help the power and control addict take responsibility as well, and also takes the blame out of the “hurt” statement. It must also be remembered that there are extremely few words for “hurt” in the English language. Most other words one thinks of as indicating “hurt” actually are blame words or words about what the other person has done. For example, “embarrassed” means the other person did something odd, and “disappointed” means the other person is considered to be inferior. Words indicating “hurt” are the word “hurt” and many physiological descriptions of the body. For example, the hurt individual can say, “when X [a certain behavior] occurs,” “it ties my stomach into knots,” or “I feel a tightening in my throat,” or “I feel tension and pressure in my head or chest.”
Clearly such “hurt” statements require a mixture of strength and confidence because they engender so much vulnerability. It is also clear that the relationship with the power and control addict must be very important in order to make the controlled individual motivated enough to make such a statement. Getting the power and control addict to see how their behavior is hurtful is, however, the only way to get them to change. Because such statements also put the power and control addict in touch with their own feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy, such statements are exactly what is needed to put them back on the road to recovery from their addiction.
Once the power and control addict identifies with vulnerability and inadequacy in others, they become aware enough of it within themselves to see others in more humanistic and tolerant ways. Their view of others as inferior, weak, or inadequate slowly diminishes as they see a connection between their behavior and the behavior of others who once hurt them. The power and control addict may not see this all-important change at first, but assuming that they have cared about their family members and want them to remain in contact, assuming that they might actually want to learn to give and receive love from their closest family members and not lose them because they stay away as the only way to achieve freedom, it is clear that this change becomes the most important accomplishment of their lives. By relinquishing the need to dominate, the power and control addict makes it possible to finally live life for what is truly most important in life, the connection with others and the development of interpersonal growth that can only occur through bequeathing love from generation to generation.
by Dr. Dan Bochner
“An honest private man often grows cruel and abandoned when converted into an absolute prince. Give a man power of doing what he pleases with impunity, you extinguish his fear, and consequently overturn in him one of the great pillars of morality.” ~ Joseph Addison
Of course we know why people seek power and why they need to control others. Seeking power indicates the need to overcome an inner feeling of powerlessness. Needing to control expresses a feeling that things in general, and especially other people, are out of one’s control. These traits seem to run rampant in the world around us and there is barely anyone who isn’t upset by them. In fact, those who want power and control are even more upset by others who want power and control than the rest of us due to their competitive nature and their view that there can be only one dominant person. For someone not afflicted with these desires, the powerful and controlling are irritating because they step on everyone’s toes with rarely any awareness or, even more rarely, any regret. It’s also infuriating that those seeking power and control often achieve power and control and often seem to garner more respect than anyone else. It is clear as well that those seeking power and control are not mentally healthy. However, their success is intoxicating to them, thus making the possibility of change extremely limited.
Power and control are so intoxicating, in fact, that they can be considered to be addictive, and there are many power and control addicts. There are problems for the person who seeks power and control (that is, the power and control addict) that might make them think twice about their ways, if only they could become aware of those problems. But the prevailing feelings of power and control prevent awareness of the problem. Essentially, power and control are defenses against feelings of inadequacy, weakness, fear, being unlovable or unloved, and being worthless. Obviously, if a person feels such wretched feelings, there is huge motivation to keep those feelings under wraps. Power and control specifically help in keeping those feelings under wraps. Of course, if someone is feeling powerful and in control, it is unlikely that they will feel inadequate, unloved, or worthless.
So where do these needs come from? There are three primary patterns that lead to the development of a need for power and control, and there is tremendous overlap between the three. The first is the experience of being dominated as a child and the observation that becoming dominant is the only solution for overcoming a feeling of extreme submission. The second is the child who tries desperately to please a difficult-to-please parent with perfection in all they do but who never feels they have actually succeeded in pleasing that parent, so in their perfectionism and efforts to please when they become adults, they require that everyone around them be perfect too. The third is a type that is born with so much intensity that they naturally become aggressive when displeased and then never get their intensity under control because it feels so good when others give in. These three types overlap quite naturally since dominating parents are often perfectionists and/or intense. Nevertheless, all three can be separate as well, and, thus, will be briefly discussed below in uncovering the motivations behind each characteristic path.
Dominating parents are of many assorted types. There are those who need things perfect, those who lack self-control and those who lack the ability to love. The need to dominate, however, always indicates a problem with a mixture of feelings involving vulnerability and insignificance. Those feelings are very easily transmitted over generations since the interpersonal solution that balances one’s inner feelings of vulnerability and insignificance is dominance, which then leads those who are dominated to feel vulnerable and insignificant. As a child who needs the care that a parent can provide, there is no choice but to submit. However, that same child will often dominate friends and acquaintances and, as an adult, will dominate co-workers and their own spouses and children. Because their dominance helps them feel strong and significant, it is extremely difficult for a dominant type to change. The dominant parent rarely sees that they cause any problems or that they have any problems because their dominance so perfectly compensates for their inner feelings which are the polar opposite of how they behave.
A second type of power and control comes from being as perfect as possible. Those who are trying to be perfect attempt to please themselves in a way that they have learned would be the right thing to do, but which also camouflages and conceals the unconscious desire to finally attain unconditional positive regard (please see article “The Obsessive-Compulsive Personality”). Many such individuals love, and have known love, but also had always thought the love they received was conditional and that they had to be truly good, moral, giving, meticulous, and forthright to finally attain the kind of love they really wanted. Because these individuals often were truly loved, they now see their behavior as the consequence of challenging themselves, as opposed to a reflection of a need to please others. In fact, quite often, they see themselves as exemplifying the pinnacle of correctness or as paragons of virtue. That is where their dominance and control gets involved. These “perfect” people often expect others to live to their standards. They use many different kinds of influence to make sure others do things “right” such as setting the standard, worrying, or disdain at anything they feel is not worthy of their attention. Of course, these traits, just like those in the dominating parent, are also often transmitted over generations as children feel they must comply or fail to achieve approval, which then leads to perfectionism and control of friends, acquaintances, and family members.
The third type of power and control comes specifically from individuals who behave in very intense ways and learn that such intense behavior leads to getting what they want. Some children are born with this intensity, but it can also come from behavior that initially occurred during childhood illness when the child was not disciplined for fear that it would further harm the child or from families where children are spoiled and treated as though they are more important than the parents. The one commonality is that the child learns that intensely aggressive or angry behavior leads to others backing off and giving in. Once that connection is established, the child has a hard time containing the behavior that is so successful at getting the child what is wanted. This third type has their biggest difficulty when someone does attempt to curb their behavior with discipline, or sometimes with even relatively minor suggestions. Because they develop such a strong sense that their intense emotions are legitimate and uncontrollable, they perceive anyone saying no to them as an affront. They respond to very subtle cues of disagreement or of discipline with extreme outrage, and in that way, they achieve their goal of getting what they want.
In fact, this is the commonality that must be overcome to some extent in all three types of power and control. The feeling that others back off or give in when a person acts dominant or controlling creates an indelible association for the power and control addict. Their aggressive behaviors are permanently associated with success at pursuing immediate gratification. If others do not make it clear that aggressive, dominating, or controlling behavior rarely results in a positive outcome, then those who behave in dominant and controlling ways will feel so powerful that they will never want to relinquish their dominant behavior. The thinking pattern goes like this:
“Although in many ways this world seems like complete chaos, and I often feel weak and insignificant or unworthy of love, the world does give me anything I want as soon as I become aggressive, unruly, or angry. That means I decide what I get or don’t get. I need only become angry or bossy or seemingly lose control of myself and, abracadabra, what I wanted appears before me like magic. I do not need to delay gratification. I get immediate gratification anytime.”
This perspective is not actually conscious in most cases. If you observe enough individuals with this problem, however, you will see that their behavior does truly manifest this belief, whether it is conscious or not.
The biggest problem in childhood is when the behavior is initially caused by inborn intensity (when extreme enough, this intensity is considered “bipolar disorder”). When the behavior has developed primarily due to parenting style, changes in parenting style usually succeed in changing the behavior. Parents need to work together and be consistent, and where there has been a problem with giving in, they must inform the child there will be no more giving in and then proceed to never (yes, I mean never) give in even if it means the child must be physically restrained, hospitalized, or sent to jail. Inborn intensity, however, truly complicates matters. Intense reactions that start in the womb can create havoc as a child actually perceives their desire for what they want as though it is truly uncontrollable. Many of these types of children grow up being told they have no control of themselves, which worsens matters. They then believe there is little reason to try to change since it presumably would not work. However, when these children grow a little older and they start to see how their behavior causes them very negative consequences, sometimes they start to get motivated to change. Quite commonly, those whose problem is primarily intensity, but who feel very close to their family members, feel horrible when their aggressive behavior becomes hurtful and damages those they love. Nevertheless, the power they have experienced in the past, combined with the intensity of their emotions, makes it seem to them almost impossible to control themselves when the aggressive urge arises.
The power one experiences, regardless of which type, is very much an addiction. In fact, it is the fact that the behavior continues for long periods in spite of negative consequences that makes it so clear that there is an addiction to power and control. In the worst cases, the consequences are very obvious as the aggressiveness gets some individuals in serious trouble with law enforcement or in school. At a more subtle level, however, individuals who crave power and control, and who behave in dominant or controlling ways, rarely maintain good relationships with others. Their family members often avoid them and their friendships rarely last very long. When they have children, the children rarely stay in frequent contact after they’ve grown. Sometimes it seems remarkable that such individuals even have families. However, their success in life often makes them extremely attractive at a certain level and they do tend to attract mates and have children.
In fact, many power and control addicts do have incredibly successful careers. However, they are always ultimately alone. No one feels close to a person who bullies them. No one feels close to someone who controls them. If others have to do what the power and control addict wants, they will be scared of disappointing that person, but they won’t love them. Not only will loved ones leave, but they won’t even miss the power and control addict. Instead, they’ll feel they’ve finally gotten free. Bullies lose those they think love them as soon as there is any sign of their vulnerability. Many people will be there for them only because they have had to be, or because they have feared what would happen if they didn’t do what the power and control addict expected. To the extent that these relationships were built on the usefulness of the power and control addict, as opposed to love, when the power and control addict is no longer useful, there remains no reason to stay in contact.
Strangely, having power and control over others makes it impossible to even know those others or their motivations, so even those who seem to love the power and control addict are often merely pleasing them. If we believe someone loves us, then we can assume the reason they do things for us or stay true to us or work their hardest to do the things we like is because they want to do it themselves. Unfortunately, people who need someone for any reason can be very good at seeming to be in agreement. The problem is, if they do not feel free to be who they want to be, if they do things thinking they have to and not because they are following their own feelings, then nothing they do can be trusted by the power and control addict. Because they have been forced to do things in their relationship with the power and control addict, even the loving things they do are being done because they feel they must. Many times, people are so controlled by a power and control addict that they don’t even know how they feel. When they finally feel free, they often behave in ways that are contrary to the power and control addict’s wishes. Even that behavior does not express who they really are, since it merely expresses their desire to be opposed to what is expected from them.
People are only free to love when they are not intimidated and controlled. Only by receiving unconditional love does a person truly blossom into what they really want to be. Only the sense that one is unconditionally loved can lead to a true sense of freedom or a feeling within one that one has true value. This feeling, that one’s way of being is valuable and loved in and of itself and not for its utility to someone else, is the cornerstone of self-esteem. Sometimes the lack of self-esteem that comes from being dominated will lead to people staying with, or continuing to please, the power and control addict, since it makes the controlled person continue to believe that the only way to gain positive regard is to successfully please the power and control addict. However, only if a person knows they are worthy of love, only if they have self-esteem, are they able to actually love others. If a person is controlled, their love is meaningless. They are not free to decide who or what they love. They act loving because they must. If they are free, however, they are free to decide who and what they love. Power and control addicts end up lonely and bereft of love. Those around them are not free and thus can’t love, and as soon as they have any self-esteem, they leave. The character of the power and control addict makes it impossible to love others because they only approve of others to the extent that others please them. So just as they cannot love, it is also impossible for the power and control addict to be loved by others.
Unfortunately, it is very difficult to show those addicted to power and control the error of their ways. Some, as indicated above, will see that they hurt others and then feel badly. Those are the ones that are genetically intense, however, and once they realize that they seem to hurt others due to their extreme reactions, they often agree to seek treatment. Those who are not genetically intense, but nevertheless dominate and control others with their high standards and dominant attitudes, can also sometimes see how their behavior hurts those they love. Children or spouses of power and control addicts can often be instrumental in getting the power and control addict to recognize how they affect others. They have a huge impact, especially when they want to forge a relationship, but find themselves also wanting to get away and be free. Intervening in a way that has some efficacy, however, requires a very specific kind of communicating. Generally speaking, although it is exactly the opposite of what will come naturally, being vulnerable with the power and control addict is the only way to get through to the power and control addict.
The power and control addict’s behavior, one must remember, is directly connected to feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy. They have felt that way and overcome those feelings with their dominant and controlling behavior. Their behavior currently covers up those feelings and they remain capable of identifying with those feelings within those whom they deem important. Therefore, when someone they care about says they are hurt, the power and control addict often can’t stand the idea that they are responsible for creating within someone they care for the very same feelings that they themselves can’t stand within themselves. In fact, it is within the context of getting in touch with their own vulnerable and inadequate feelings, even if it is within someone else, that the power and control addict is finally able to behave in a loving manner. If the pain they are causing is similar enough to the pain they have experienced, and it is typically almost identical, the power and control addict is actually capable of connecting in a way that causes guilt and responsibility for the feelings of others. This experience of guilt and responsibility makes the power and control addict capable of changing their behavior.
The way to communicate with the power and control addict is actually quite specific. Unfortunately, the power and control addict is extremely sensitive to blame, and can point the finger back at anyone who points the finger at them. The only way to avoid the blame game with the power and control addict is to specifically state how something that has happened has left you “hurt.” Sometimes it is even necessary to state, in the most vulnerable way a person can imagine, that much of the fault lies with you. Taking responsibility yourself will help the power and control addict take responsibility as well, and also takes the blame out of the “hurt” statement. It must also be remembered that there are extremely few words for “hurt” in the English language. Most other words one thinks of as indicating “hurt” actually are blame words or words about what the other person has done. For example, “embarrassed” means the other person did something odd, and “disappointed” means the other person is considered to be inferior. Words indicating “hurt” are the word “hurt” and many physiological descriptions of the body. For example, the hurt individual can say, “when X [a certain behavior] occurs,” “it ties my stomach into knots,” or “I feel a tightening in my throat,” or “I feel tension and pressure in my head or chest.”
Clearly such “hurt” statements require a mixture of strength and confidence because they engender so much vulnerability. It is also clear that the relationship with the power and control addict must be very important in order to make the controlled individual motivated enough to make such a statement. Getting the power and control addict to see how their behavior is hurtful is, however, the only way to get them to change. Because such statements also put the power and control addict in touch with their own feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy, such statements are exactly what is needed to put them back on the road to recovery from their addiction.
Once the power and control addict identifies with vulnerability and inadequacy in others, they become aware enough of it within themselves to see others in more humanistic and tolerant ways. Their view of others as inferior, weak, or inadequate slowly diminishes as they see a connection between their behavior and the behavior of others who once hurt them. The power and control addict may not see this all-important change at first, but assuming that they have cared about their family members and want them to remain in contact, assuming that they might actually want to learn to give and receive love from their closest family members and not lose them because they stay away as the only way to achieve freedom, it is clear that this change becomes the most important accomplishment of their lives. By relinquishing the need to dominate, the power and control addict makes it possible to finally live life for what is truly most important in life, the connection with others and the development of interpersonal growth that can only occur through bequeathing love from generation to generation.
