I have little memories about growing up. I hold some strong ones that are so clear yet so many of them are just small pieces that have never made sense.
Lately, these small pieces are becoming whole. It is starting to become more clear and it frightens me. Do I want to know the truth? Or do I want it to stay hidden to the place I must have stuffed it years ago. More and more of these memories are developing, I can see faces and feel the pain I have had for years but its been lost for a long time.
So what now? How does someone start to deal with these "events" when nothing makes sense? What I mean is the fact that so much of this happened at a young age, continued as I grew. So when these things start to fit together, how do you deal with the anger of remembering. I feel like a child, like as if I am in those places again. So much of me wants to know, wants to feel this so I can find some closure. I am beginning to realize what troubles me so deeply yet I am so afraid. And it hurts so flipping much, I just cry and can feel this well of anger creep up from my toes, though my body....I want to get mad, vent, scream, and beg for answers to why this happened. Is this all a test of my abilities, a test on my strength?
So as I was laying in bed, still awake at 3am, I asked all of these questions. Particular events came to mind (which I have always remembered), but then things that were not clear started to become so real. And I was thinking, "Is this real, did this happen?" And once again, sadness and anger hit me to an extreme that can't be described in words. Full of tears yet full of pure anger filled me with such passion. And I cried for that little girl, and I cried for this adult trapped inside of this little girl. And I once again longed for my closet, the place of safety, the place that made me feel hidden from the bad things in my life.
I am not sure what time I had fallen asleep. I had a dream with my siblings in it. It was such a strange dream. I can remember some of it but it turned into something more, something different. And the tables were reversed. It was me getting angry and lashing out, not them for once. It was me doing to them what they did to me. And for once in my dreams, I was powerful. I had control over who hurt me. I did not allow them to hurt me. But this anger was too powerful. The person with my face in this dream was full of hurt but so mean. And thats not who I am in reality. Then suddenly, after I vented some hurtful words and actions towards them, my dream turned into a different dream. Was strange how it went from this to something completely opposite. Or was it? I was suddenly in a storm with my dad. Then my entire family was there as well. But I can't recall of the details, just know that before I woke up, we were all fine but our house was not standing.
So I feel a little confused today. But I had to put it away this morning to get my kids off to school. My daughter was overwhelmed with homework last night. I helped her for over an hour and told her she has accomplished enough for the evening. She is struggling in math so she has been working hard, with my help, to understand the concepts being taught. So I guess I am not totally insane or stupid. It is starting to make sense to her and I am proud of her persistence in working hard to achieve her goals in maintaining her grades. She is an intellegent young lady and she knows its hard work to maintain her efforts in her academics. Now when it comes to spelling; lolol, not much help from me. I found an on site dictionary for her...I don't want to mess her up with that; lolol.
Haunting
Lately, these small pieces are becoming whole. It is starting to become more clear and it frightens me. Do I want to know the truth? Or do I want it to stay hidden to the place I must have stuffed it years ago. More and more of these memories are developing, I can see faces and feel the pain I have had for years but its been lost for a long time.
So what now? How does someone start to deal with these "events" when nothing makes sense? What I mean is the fact that so much of this happened at a young age, continued as I grew. So when these things start to fit together, how do you deal with the anger of remembering. I feel like a child, like as if I am in those places again. So much of me wants to know, wants to feel this so I can find some closure. I am beginning to realize what troubles me so deeply yet I am so afraid. And it hurts so flipping much, I just cry and can feel this well of anger creep up from my toes, though my body....I want to get mad, vent, scream, and beg for answers to why this happened. Is this all a test of my abilities, a test on my strength?
So as I was laying in bed, still awake at 3am, I asked all of these questions. Particular events came to mind (which I have always remembered), but then things that were not clear started to become so real. And I was thinking, "Is this real, did this happen?" And once again, sadness and anger hit me to an extreme that can't be described in words. Full of tears yet full of pure anger filled me with such passion. And I cried for that little girl, and I cried for this adult trapped inside of this little girl. And I once again longed for my closet, the place of safety, the place that made me feel hidden from the bad things in my life.
I am not sure what time I had fallen asleep. I had a dream with my siblings in it. It was such a strange dream. I can remember some of it but it turned into something more, something different. And the tables were reversed. It was me getting angry and lashing out, not them for once. It was me doing to them what they did to me. And for once in my dreams, I was powerful. I had control over who hurt me. I did not allow them to hurt me. But this anger was too powerful. The person with my face in this dream was full of hurt but so mean. And thats not who I am in reality. Then suddenly, after I vented some hurtful words and actions towards them, my dream turned into a different dream. Was strange how it went from this to something completely opposite. Or was it? I was suddenly in a storm with my dad. Then my entire family was there as well. But I can't recall of the details, just know that before I woke up, we were all fine but our house was not standing.
So I feel a little confused today. But I had to put it away this morning to get my kids off to school. My daughter was overwhelmed with homework last night. I helped her for over an hour and told her she has accomplished enough for the evening. She is struggling in math so she has been working hard, with my help, to understand the concepts being taught. So I guess I am not totally insane or stupid. It is starting to make sense to her and I am proud of her persistence in working hard to achieve her goals in maintaining her grades. She is an intellegent young lady and she knows its hard work to maintain her efforts in her academics. Now when it comes to spelling; lolol, not much help from me. I found an on site dictionary for her...I don't want to mess her up with that; lolol.
Haunting
