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JDog

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Joined
Nov 14, 2006
Messages
19
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1
I have three roommate. Two of the three are actually my cousins (my fathers, brothers, sons), and the other is just a friend of theirs they knew from highschool (we're in college now).

A situation between me and this other roommate (the friend) occured about 6months ago. It was a school night, at 2 in the morning, and this other roommate had 3 of his buddies over and were playing video games. They were pretty loud, and the volume to the TV was also pretty loud. It just so happened that I had a test the following morning, so I wasn't too happy about the situation. I got up and politely asked them to keep it down, because I needed some sleep. I laid back down and after 5 minutes, it was apparent they ignored me. So I got bakc up and politely told them to please turn off my xbox after they are finished with the round they were on (it was my xbox console and video game they were playing). I laid back down and after the round was over, they started up another round (i could hear things pretty well). So, with that I got up and walked to the living room and ejected my game then walked right back to bed without saying a word. Next thing I know I hear a loud smashing sound. I open up my door and a remote controller for my xbox was laying on the ground smashed to bits. It turns out my roommate did this, then ran to his room as soon as he did it. So I went in there and told him he better replace it. He promised to me he would.

That happened 6 months ago. I reminded him numerous times over the months, and there was even a point where he told me he didn't think he should replace it because I was being a bad roommate that night. Since I was originally asking for a brand new replacement, I decided to compromise with him and told him eh could just get me a used one for half the price. He agreed, but continued to give me excuse after excuse.

Just last week it finally came to a head. I asked him about it and he said he couldn't find any used controllers. I knew they were being sold at the local video game resale shops, because I called to find out. I told him they were, and he said they were too expensive and that he was going to hold out until he could find a cheaper one. I told him, no. I'm tired of waiting, and I want you to replace the controller by this weekend. He said he can't guarantee it, and that he'll get to it when he gets a chance. This ****ed me off quite a bit...- quick interjection - Over the months, I tried to reason with this guy, but I came to realize that it was impossible to rationalize with the irrational - which is exactly what this guy is. During our various dialogues, he would attempt to shift the blame to myself, or spout various excuses, such as that he didn't know it was that important to me.

Anyhow, after he told me he'd get to it when he gets a chance, he went to take a shower. While he was in the shower I had an internal struggle with myself. I wanted to go into his room and break something of his, because I felt that it would communicate to him in the only language he knows - that of a 4 year old. Doing that however, would have gone against my character, and my personal value system. However, I rationalized that I would temporarly suspend my values and place them on the shelf so-to-speak for 30 seconds.

So, that's exactly what I did. I went into his room with a completely clear head - no emotions - with a hammer. I then smashed his computer mouse into bits.

After he got out of the shower and saw what happened, it was as though he had a complete change of heart. He proceeded to appologize to me for the first time, about what he did to my remote. He continued to feed me his various excuses though.

I considered us even-steven. However, it happened that the electricity bill is under my name, and he told me that he would take the $90 (cost of the mouse I broke) out from the monthly electricity money he owes me. He has me there...however, since he told me he wasn't paying the electricity, I told him that he wasn't entitled to use electricity to wash his clothes and use the dryer.

A few nights ago I see him trying to use the washer and dryer. I get up and tell him he can't use it. He says he's going to use it anyway. I tell him no, and that if he's not paying for electricity, he can't use it. I then take his clothes out of the dryer and place them onto his bedroom floor. He follows by going to talk to my cousin (who is one of my roommates as well).

My cousin comes out of his room and tells me to stop being childish about this and to let him use the washer and dryer. I tell him no, because our roommate won't pay the bill. He responds by saying, fine, I'll wash his clothes for him.

---------

I'm not sure how to handle this. Both of my cousins and I have always been friends (they are biological twins), but this after this situation, my cousin decided to take the side of this other roommate. I wish he wouldn't have had gotten involved, but he did, and he chose to side with the guy I was having a problem with.

The fact that I'm out the electricity money isn't a problem, but the fact that I feel betrayed by my family, is. My cousin is acting as though everything is normal, but I don't feel as though they are. My issue with him, is also effecting my relationship with his brother (my other cousin).

I don't really think there's much I can say to him, because from the few years of living with him, I have came to understand that he is illogical with his method of thought, and he will think he is in the right, and that he know's everything.

I don't want our relationships to turn out like our fathers have. They no longer talk. My father is very angry at his brother because of reasons quite similar in nature to mine with his son - there seems to be no give and take in discussions, and they are not willing to look at things from others point of view - just their own.

What should I do?
 
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Joined
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this reminds me of a previous post you made about another incident with one of your cousins.

i'm not really sure what to advise you. things got out of hand again when you went and smashed the mouse. yes, your remote should have been replaced. smashing the mouse only gave you temporary satisfaction, but in effect that was you stooping to the roommate's level.

in both these incidents i think the real issue is you wanting validation from your cousins for your feelings. it may or may not be something that you will be able to get from them. if not, you may need to let this go, as difficult as that may be.
 

JDog

Member
Joined
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Messages
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Points
1
this reminds me of a previous post you made about another incident with one of your cousins.

i'm not really sure what to advise you. things got out of hand again when you went and smashed the mouse. yes, your remote should have been replaced. smashing the mouse only gave you temporary satisfaction, but in effect that was you stooping to the roommate's level.

in both these incidents i think the real issue is you wanting validation from your cousins for your feelings. it may or may not be something that you will be able to get from them. if not, you may need to let this go, as difficult as that may be.

Yeah, I want validation from important people in my life, but who doesn't?

The last issue that came up when my cousin threw dirty boxers on my pillow was a result of complete carelessness. This current situation that came up was a result of destruction of my personal property. I smashed his mouse, and yes, it made me feel great. If I didn't do anything about it he would have just blown me off until he moved out and the only thing that would have happened is me being crapped on (pardon the language).

I don't need my cousins to tell me "ohhh it's oook, you're right. we're on your side." I just don't think that siding with him in the way he did was apropriate, because 1) because of the fact we're family (I don't need him to side with me, and he can tell me his opinion and whatever, that is is fine, but he decided to side with this dishonorable dirtbag in a situation he wasn't involved in), 2) this guy lied to me, and attempted to pacify me with excuses, and he never got involved then - just now.

I would like to let this go, just as I would like to let the other situations go, but I have high values in life (if you can consider these 'higher' tiered values), such as not letting people walk on me, not allowing people to destroy my property, and also placing a high value on what it IS to be family.

If I must sacrifice my well developed personal set of values just so I can maintain a relationship with this guy over the controller, then my values aren't worth a d@mn.
 
Joined
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i understand you are feeling hurt and angry, and i would be too if someone destroyed some of my personal property and wouldn't replace it.

you need to find a way to communicate what this has brought up in you with your cousin. learning to communicate isn't easy. you need to do it in such a way that it doesn't make him defensive. if he gets defensive, you won't be listened to, with anger and frustration as a result on your end.

maybe go hang out with him over a beer or do some other activity that you guys do together, and then bring it up.

how did you get past the boxer situation? did that resolve itself ok after you posted here? if so you could try to approach things in a similar way.
 

JDog

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Joined
Nov 14, 2006
Messages
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Points
1
Yes, the boxer situation got taken care of. I sincerely appologized to my cousin for acting like I did, shook his hand and looked him in the eyes. He then appologized too. Everything was cool from that point on.

I'm not sure I can do the same thing with the cousin who took his side. I don't know what I'd say, other than it makes me feel hurt, and that it makes me feel that my close sense of family is devalued when he sided with this guy.
 
Joined
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Messages
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I don't know what I'd say, other than it makes me feel hurt, and that it makes me feel that my close sense of family is devalued when he sided with this guy.
then do just that. i'm certainly not suggesting you "get over it", feelings are there for a reason, so i would make the effort to try and talk to him and get them out.

you might be able to get a resolution to all of this if you make your cousin an ally. here's what i think would be fair in the end: your roommate pays his power bill as expected. he gets himself a new mouse. you get yourself a new remote control. this way no one has to hound anyone for what is owed. you could ask your cousin if he could support you on this and then the two of you propose this as a resolution to your roommate.
 

JDog

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Joined
Nov 14, 2006
Messages
19
Points
1
Well, I just talked it over with my cousin. It didn't go so well.

I told him that I feel that my sense of family has been devalued when he decided to help the roommate out. He said I can feel that way if I want, but that he would have done the same thing over again. Him and his brother than got onto me for my actions.

Their ability to communicate is kind of abrasive, and consists of a lot of "you need...." or "you should...." statements. Anyway, the discussion ended with an arguement, and things pretty much didn't end well.

So, I guess as things stand now, I'm just going to move out at the end of the month and be done with this. It's difficult trying to dialogue with individuals whose self-concept is so fragile that they won't take a step back and consider the possibility they may have made a poor decision. It appears that he is completely steeped with that mentality, since he didn't have any concern for my feelings about family and justice.
 

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