The tension is crazy...

[HotthenCold]

Hi there,

so I had a bad night last night and I've been reeling ever since. I slept, so I guess I wasn't reeling then, but before and after I sure was, and am.

Basically, I went to a d.j show at a nightclub with a friend on a whim because I've been spending sooooooo much time alone and I'm trying to get out and have fun.

I know that I don't do well in clubs, especially since I'm sober now and find it harder to "let loose", but I still wanted to go. I guess this is in part because it's something to do on a Friday night, and also because I don't want to accept how shy and nervous I am in those situations and before I go I tell myself to suck it up because it's an opportunity to change my behaviour. But I always feel nervous beforehand and find it near impossibly to get "in state", to use a Tony Robbins term. I am able to get "in state" sometimes and I end up feeling ok.

But last night...

I felt nervous before hand, and tried to change my thoughts around the situation because I am working on affirmations and didn't want to believe that it would be anything to be nervous about. However, the nonsensical rhythm of my subconscious mind tends to take earnest desires to feel one thing and turn them into a state of mind which does not reflect that desire at all. I'm trying to take back my subconscious, but it's slow going so far...

So I felt stuck, uncomfortable, awkward, insecure, etc etc. I went with a buddy so I had some company to ease my sense of loserdom. I saw one friend and although it was nice to see her, I obsessed over how I pulled away from the hug too soon and didn't have anything to say and made it really awkward.

Then I obsessed over how no women were paying attention to me.

Then I saw a friend from work and obsessed over how awkward my hello was with him.

Then I obsessed over why the girl started talking to my friend instead of me, and why she was so businesslike when he introduced us (does this total stranger think I'm such an ugly, weird POS that I annoy her before she has even met me? Why do I put off such an uncomfortable vibe?)

I think there were some other obsessions in there. Little awkward things I'd done that I was worried someone might have seen, and mocked.


So I went home and obsessed over how miserable I am and how I'd rather die.

Then the thoughts become about how much I wish I could just feel the good feeling I sometimes feel, all the time, and how jarring and tiresome it is to be going back and forth between those modes, and how much I regret the effects this "hot and coldness" has on my social life on all fronts, and how hopeless I feel in this state, as if the good feeling is all just an illusion I feel as a survival tactic brought on by just enough mental and emotional crutches being present to convince me things are actually getting better.

Basically just shame. Like I really, truly don't deserve to feel good. I get frustrated hearing the therapized "shame" talk because it really underplays the brutality of this feeling. It is not "I don't like myself so I don't deserve to feel good", it is "YOU STUPID LOSER CREEP YOU ARE A HALF BAKED EXAMPLE OF A HUMAN AND EVERYONE CAN IMMEDIATELY SENSE HOW PATHETIC YOU ARE, YOU CONTEMPTIBLE REJECT".

Think a violent and tireless internal bully. That's shame. For me at least.

So now I sit in my bed on my laptop, wanting coffee but knowing that the walk to the coffee shop will be full of discomfort and paranoia. I'm watching self help videos and posting on line, and as I psyche myself up to get in the good frame of mind, because any time spent in the painful one just reinforces that behaviour, and my reaction to any inkling of feeling good is panic because I am not safe doing this and I DO NOT DESERVE IT, NOR CAN I ACHIEVE IT SO I MIGHT AS WELL JUST QUIT.


That's where I'm at.

 

[MHealthJo]

I just wanted to send a message of suppport HTC because I can read loud and clear how very overwhelming and tough these relentless thoughts and feelings are.
You are so brave.

I wish you didn't believe these shameful thoughts and views about yourself because they are not true. They are just not true. I just wish it were that simple to not believe those things though. xox

---------- Post Merged at 04:22 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:03 AM ----------

Just curious too, wondered whether the opportunity was available to you to have the support and insight of a good therapist or whether you do already? An invaluable support and tool who can pounce on whatever is holding us back and giving us the most grief at a given time, support us as we try each new step on our journey, catch us in our old thought habits and help us see where we are wrong, show us how well we have done and make sure we see that in the clearest focus possible....

We are so glad to support you too, but wondered also whether the irreplaceable personalised awesomeness of a good psychologist/therapist was also there for you... Because you are cool and deserve maximum, tailored awesomeness. We're cool too but we still know that compared to that, we don't cut it.

Hope a little relief has come to you since earlier. You did so well pushing yourself toward something scary.

Damn those scumbag thoughts focusing on details, details, details, worrying about perfect performance (which is impossible!), comparing yourself unfavourably, zeroing in on little details of reactions of people.... when we wish the thoughts could just be freakin' reasonable and instead say, "Damn! I did a really hard thing and that's amazing of me!!"

Thinking of ya HTC and wish I could whisk those mean, unreasonable scumbag thoughts away from you. xo

 

[W00BY]

I am sure your friend was aware of your certainly readable behavior... stressed uncomfortable etc...and that in some way with his introduction may have been trying to lessen this for you...

It says a lot that you stuck with it and then took all the baggage home with you, there are certain feelings within you that once they start seem to take hold.

There are many ways to go about changing this such as graded exposure where you go but for not as long and build it up gradually, maybe letting your friend know more of your anxiety and letting them know that yes I will come but not stay for long would be of help?

I understand your anxiety completely I feel the same in uncontrollable social situations and that is why I feel as i do i can't control every aspect.

I went to my best friends Halloween party... My kids are now getting to the age they want to go to adult stuff I am invited to which before I would have used the kids as an excuse not to go...there is also a back drop of my not socializing with any of my family (that I still talk to) or friends in over ten years I literally fell off the radar but I fear my kids having the issues I have, so I have started shoving my head above the social trenches once more.

Anyway I literally stood on my own talking to no one for over an hour in a house full of people and eventually grabbed my partner and ran out of the house in the end.

This is a very different person to who I used to be and I beat myself constantly as to why my I cannot still be that person even my kids are baffled by the different person they see at these points...

I have been invited to her birthday party and the kids have said yes (through facebook dagnabbit) so I will have to go through it again...the point is I will instead of hide away and I will go through all the self deafeating thoughts that you had in the club and I will regret every conversational interaction I have while I am there and dwell on it all the next day and beyond but the point is I am trying.... as you are...the more you do it the less frightening it all becomes and even if I can only ever fake confidence it's better than never seeing my friends!

 

[HotthenCold]

I do have the opportunity to see a counsellor. I have an employee assistance program that will provide one and I've been meaning to contact them once again. I was going last year for a bit, which led to my path of sobriety and counselling from another provider, but that counselling has ended now so I've been in limbo, wanting to resume but feeling intermittently good enough that I have procrastinated it. I'm going to get on that though, I need to resume talking to someone. Thanks, I think you're cool too! I'm so so grateful for this forum, it's always comforting to be able to post here and read about other peoples view points as well.

It's funny because I felt resilient enough to go out again saturday night, also because there was another d.j I really wanted to see and I had already bought a ticket. I managed to stay balanced all day, and did a kundalini yoga class, as well as some positive affirmations, which got me feeling very balanced, and I ended up having a much better time. It also helps that the music was amazing, and being in that atmosphere always puts me at ease because I feel so inspired by the music that I have no choice but to feel good. There were still some semi awkward moments regarding eye contact and potential downward spirals based on my perception of what others thought of me, but all in all I was able to instantly let those things go and just get back to a state of mind in which I felt good.

Actually, submitting the first post of this thread in the morning really helped clear my head and started the day off right,which made a big impact in my ability to remain confident(ish) during the evening.


Thanks for your thoughtful response, I hope all is well with you because you deserve it too! xoxo

---------- Post Merged at 11:25 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 11:17 PM ----------

You're definitely right about the graded exposure thing. I guess I knew I should have left when things got to a point of no return, mood wise. I have some work to do with allowing myself to leave, no matter what my companions will say. In fact, that points to a whole bunch of work I have to do with respect to being true to my own needs, instead of pre-emptively capitulating to the angry or scornful reactions I'm likely to receive if I do what I need to and it happens to be unpopular.


Some days are ok, and feeling good like I do now it's hard to believe that I could feel so insecure and shaken up over nothing.

I know what you mean about not being the same as you used to. Not that I was exceedingly confident, except for when I was very young and hadn't been conditioned to feel this way, but I think there was a time when I wasn't so acutely self conscious about every minute detail.

It's true that we are kinda forced to go out and do this stuff sometimes, even though we are discussing social settings which aren't necessary to our immediate survival. Things like this just need to be faced, albeit in digestible chunks. Good luck with facing your dreaded social situations again. I'll keep "getting out there" and also learning to truly forgive my mistakes and keep on going, no matter what, if you will!

xoxo, have a great day, you deserve it!

 

[W00BY]

It is really good that the previous experience of counselling has gave you this backdrop of being able to tell your good days and bad days...

It shows not only that you moved more towards where you want to be within the time of your counselling but also that you are able to tap into your own issues that still are unresolved for you more.

Which I feel is one of the double edge swords of counselling/therapy a heightened understanding and sense of self can lead to these issues you are having and they certainly have in the time I have been seeing a therapist.

I have actually discussed this several times in other posts there is a waxing and waning much like a tide it goes out taking with it many of your resolved issues but then returns with more driftwood for you to clear.

This may simply be all that is happening with you and a bit more counselling may be exactly what you are needing...This from reading other posts on this site is very common as a result of counselling or therapy...I think ideally most people would like recovery to be a straight line and a constant but it is not and the mind is very good at hiding things from us even in the midst of therapy.

I often find things creep up on me at very quiet uneventful times in my life just when I am least expecting them really, almost like self sabotage.

I suspect you can yourself see a shift in your perceptions not only of yourself but also in your interactions with others and that is what may be what you want to explore more in a therapeutic setting.

 

[Darkside]

A couple of things came to mind as I read your post. First, I completely empathize. I have felt this way in social situations like nightclubs and bars myself, so I can almost feel what you have described. But mainly I wanted to say that the majority of the people you see in places like that are not the kind of people you want to use as a mirror ... if you know what I mean. We all measure ourselves by what appears to be the impact we have on other people in social situations. If someone turns away when we are talking we think, "we are boring them" or "they don't like the way I look." I learned to realize that I am never going to be one of the people who can charm and entertain people in a bar. It just isn't me and frankly, those are not the kinds of people I want to use to judge my self worth. That's not to say that every single person in a bar is shallow, but it is probably a clear majority.

For me, I learned to internalize this message; "I did nothing wrong." I keep repeating it to myself and it is slowly becoming second nature.

That doesn't mean we can't improve our social skills, but I am so self-conscious that it is hard for me to practice unless I realize that there are some situations that are just too toxic for me to develop those skills. It is better if I just stay away.