So today my therapist said I need more help that my issues are very complex. I feel that he wants to pawn me off to someone else. He says he still wants to work with me but he needs someone else to help him help me. We have been practicing EMDR and that has helped but I'm still having flashbacks and nightmares keep recurring. He says he can't do it all in order to help me. I feel like he wants to pawn me off to someone else. I said if he wants me to see someone else that we are done that I would not ever come see him again. I'm not sure what he means when he says he can't do it all himself. That my problems are too much for him. What kind of therapist says that to their client, he knows that I only trust him and that I could not trust another person. Not sure what to make of whst he said.
- Thread starter Hunter
- Start date
I understand where you are coming from, having lots of therapist drama lately. But in your therapist's view, it may be irresponsible of him continue with the status quo.
Something that may be a little similar: When I was in Gainesville, Florida, my psychiatrist highly suggested I see an expert psychiatrist on OCD for a one-time evaluation. So, back then, I was happy that a second pair of eyes were being called in -- as opposed to professionals who have a financial gain from clients not getting much better.
Also, in DBT, there is a team approach by default. Weekly or so, the therapist discusses with other therapists in their group about advice, etc.
I am not surprised that EMDR is not sufficient to help -- with anything.
Something that may be a little similar: When I was in Gainesville, Florida, my psychiatrist highly suggested I see an expert psychiatrist on OCD for a one-time evaluation. So, back then, I was happy that a second pair of eyes were being called in -- as opposed to professionals who have a financial gain from clients not getting much better.
Also, in DBT, there is a team approach by default. Weekly or so, the therapist discusses with other therapists in their group about advice, etc.
Can you elaborate why you feel your therapist is passing you off? Because it seems it would just he that would be consulting with someone else.
I am not surprised that EMDR is not sufficient to help -- with anything.
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David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
I agree with @Daniel.
In particular, EMDR was all the rage several years ago, especially among less well trained and less skilled counselors or therapists, but it always seemed to me to be a gimmick in search of any credible verification that it worked. Now, a decade or so later, I still don't see that evidence.
If your therapist is suggesting that he needs help in helping you, or that he may not be the best person to help you, I would urge you to see that as a genuinely caring therapist who is uncertain that he has the necessary skill set or knowledge to provide you with what you need. Honestly, that is to be commended. Many therapists today would simply take your money and say nothing, regardless of whether they were actually helping you.
In particular, EMDR was all the rage several years ago, especially among less well trained and less skilled counselors or therapists, but it always seemed to me to be a gimmick in search of any credible verification that it worked. Now, a decade or so later, I still don't see that evidence.
If your therapist is suggesting that he needs help in helping you, or that he may not be the best person to help you, I would urge you to see that as a genuinely caring therapist who is uncertain that he has the necessary skill set or knowledge to provide you with what you need. Honestly, that is to be commended. Many therapists today would simply take your money and say nothing, regardless of whether they were actually helping you.
gooblax
MVP
Hi Hunter. It must be upsetting to feel like your therapist wants to pawn you off. Were you able to discuss this fear with your therapist?
He's saying that he still wants to work with you - presumably he still thinks he can help in some ways but not every way. If you've been stuck and struggling with flashbacks and nightmares then you might need a different sort of support compared to, or in addition to what your therapist is providing. To me it sounds like it could be coming from a place of your therapist wanting the best for you, as well as acknowledging his own limitations. Are you able to ask him specifically what skills the additional person/service needs for helping you? Does he have anything particular in mind?
I chose to see two therapists for awhile when my main one wasn't giving me the sort of help I needed. I didn't tell the second therapist everything - just the specific things that my first therapist wasn't helping with. So I didn't need to trust the second therapist much at all. And then I stopped seeing the second therapist when it stopped being useful, but can go back if I want to again. Ultimately it was helpful for me to have a different avenue of support to bridge the gap where my main therapist wasn't helping. So personally it's something I'd recommend if you're clear about what role your main therapist has vs. what role the second form of help has.
He's saying that he still wants to work with you - presumably he still thinks he can help in some ways but not every way. If you've been stuck and struggling with flashbacks and nightmares then you might need a different sort of support compared to, or in addition to what your therapist is providing. To me it sounds like it could be coming from a place of your therapist wanting the best for you, as well as acknowledging his own limitations. Are you able to ask him specifically what skills the additional person/service needs for helping you? Does he have anything particular in mind?
I chose to see two therapists for awhile when my main one wasn't giving me the sort of help I needed. I didn't tell the second therapist everything - just the specific things that my first therapist wasn't helping with. So I didn't need to trust the second therapist much at all. And then I stopped seeing the second therapist when it stopped being useful, but can go back if I want to again. Ultimately it was helpful for me to have a different avenue of support to bridge the gap where my main therapist wasn't helping. So personally it's something I'd recommend if you're clear about what role your main therapist has vs. what role the second form of help has.
He said that I can still see him, but he wants me to consult with someone else, yet he couldn't tell me who or why he wanted another consult. I can barely afford his $ 140 per hour now he wants me to see someone else. I said no. He said will you think about it and I said no. I became hurt with him and angry. He says it's acceptable for patients to get angry at their therapist. First time I feel he let me down.
He is hell bent on EMDR and honestly I don't feel that is beneficial. Maybe it's his therapy technique that isn't working and maybe I should say that to him. He never wanted to ask me if anything was bothering me today, just kept wanting me to see someone else. He didn't like when I asked him why he felt the need to pawn me off on someone else. I just feel hurt. He feels that he is not helping me because I keep having flashbacks and nightmares. But I know he makes me feel better and I sent him a text explaining this, but he hasn't texted me back yet. I just don't know how to make him understand that he's helping me. He says if I don't see his referral that I can still keep seeing him, but what would be the point when he says he can't help me alone with my complex issues. He is a highly recommended therapist, so what... Is he saying he's inadequate. I'm just so confused. He's the first therapist out of four that I have felt a rapport with, that I felt safe and protected with, now it's like I've been ripped apart and honestly don't know how I feel. He says he still wants to see me as a client but what's the point if he says he can't help me alone. Feeling so raw and vulnerable. I asked him not to quit on me in a text that he hasn't answered yet. Not sure what to feel like.
He is hell bent on EMDR and honestly I don't feel that is beneficial. Maybe it's his therapy technique that isn't working and maybe I should say that to him. He never wanted to ask me if anything was bothering me today, just kept wanting me to see someone else. He didn't like when I asked him why he felt the need to pawn me off on someone else. I just feel hurt. He feels that he is not helping me because I keep having flashbacks and nightmares. But I know he makes me feel better and I sent him a text explaining this, but he hasn't texted me back yet. I just don't know how to make him understand that he's helping me. He says if I don't see his referral that I can still keep seeing him, but what would be the point when he says he can't help me alone with my complex issues. He is a highly recommended therapist, so what... Is he saying he's inadequate. I'm just so confused. He's the first therapist out of four that I have felt a rapport with, that I felt safe and protected with, now it's like I've been ripped apart and honestly don't know how I feel. He says he still wants to see me as a client but what's the point if he says he can't help me alone. Feeling so raw and vulnerable. I asked him not to quit on me in a text that he hasn't answered yet. Not sure what to feel like.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
I can see that you're hurt and that you feel rejected but objectively I don't think that was his intent. And I think if you can take a step back and a few deep slow breaths you can probably see that as well.
I do think that having a conversation about how EMDR isn't helping would be a big step in the right direction. Perhaps he is already aware of that but doesn't know what else to try, and that could well be the reason he is seeking direction from another therapist.
I don't get the impression that he is asking you to see another therapist regularly, or at least not necessarily. It sounds more like a referral for consultation, the way a family doctor might set up an appointment with a specialist to get another opinion.
I do think that having a conversation about how EMDR isn't helping would be a big step in the right direction. Perhaps he is already aware of that but doesn't know what else to try, and that could well be the reason he is seeking direction from another therapist.
I don't get the impression that he is asking you to see another therapist regularly, or at least not necessarily. It sounds more like a referral for consultation, the way a family doctor might set up an appointment with a specialist to get another opinion.
And this just happened today. It can take me a few days at least for me to fully cool off if I am angry at someone 
If you are like me, part of the distress is the cognitive dissonance/confusion/ambiguity that has been created by this new development. You thought one thing about your therapist and now you are thinking something else. Like maybe you felt like you took a leap of faith to trust you were getting your money's worth from this therapist and now you have some grave doubts.
If you are like me, part of the distress is the cognitive dissonance/confusion/ambiguity that has been created by this new development. You thought one thing about your therapist and now you are thinking something else. Like maybe you felt like you took a leap of faith to trust you were getting your money's worth from this therapist and now you have some grave doubts.
BTW:
Sagittal MRI slice with highlighting indicating location of the anterior cingulate cortex.
The biomechanics of cognitive dissonance: MRI evidence indicates that the greater the psychological conflict signalled by the anterior cingulate cortex, the greater the magnitude of the cognitive dissonance experienced by the person.
Cognitive dissonance - Wikipedia
How long have you seen him now? I know it has been a long time.
An additional option is to use a self-help book in therapy. I do that sometimes.
Personally, I have a growing list of pet peeves about therapists in general But I have noticed most therapists where I am, if they do specialize, do so in trauma/PTSD or substance abuse in addition to the common colds of anxiety and depression. A lot of them do EMDR still, but the most common fad here is mindfulness (which is good but can take the focus away from other approaches like behavior therapy).
PTSD Facts Treatment | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA
An additional option is to use a self-help book in therapy. I do that sometimes.
Personally, I have a growing list of pet peeves about therapists in general
But I have noticed most therapists where I am, if they do specialize, do so in trauma/PTSD or substance abuse in addition to the common colds of anxiety and depression. A lot of them do EMDR still, but the most common fad here is mindfulness (which is good but can take the focus away from other approaches like behavior therapy).PTSD Facts Treatment | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA
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I've been seeing him 27 months and I'm still having glashbacks and horrible nightmares. He specializes in complex trauma so not sure why he says he needs more support for me. He said he cares about me and just wants me yo heal and that his goal is to have me not come to therapy because then I would be healthy. I know he means well but he knows how hard it was for me to trust a new therapist and how I don't trust people. So not sure what I'm going to do. I feel like just quitting therapy.
Have your symptoms been improving or have you reached other goals or mini goals?
I do know my OCD has never really gone away after 20 years, though there have been periods of relative remission. So the goal for me has always been a matter of degree.
I am not very familiar with PTSD, but I know my neighbor who I pet sit for sometimes still has night terrors. That is why she sleeps in a different room than her husband.
In your situation, you have had relatively recent, traumatic incidents that have brought everything back, it seems.
Today I dropped off a workbook I am working on at my current therapist's office. After burning through therapists and going nowhere fast, I love a "manualized" approach now where I just do the worksheets and talk about things. I am also doing a private blog for my therapist to look at since I can explain things better by writing, esp
I do know my OCD has never really gone away after 20 years, though there have been periods of relative remission. So the goal for me has always been a matter of degree.
I am not very familiar with PTSD, but I know my neighbor who I pet sit for sometimes still has night terrors. That is why she sleeps in a different room than her husband.
In your situation, you have had relatively recent, traumatic incidents that have brought everything back, it seems.
Today I dropped off a workbook I am working on at my current therapist's office. After burning through therapists and going nowhere fast, I love a "manualized" approach now where I just do the worksheets and talk about things. I am also doing a private blog for my therapist to look at since I can explain things better by writing, esp
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For example, here is one thing you can share with your therapist:
For some reason, that reminded me of this quote (or vice versa):
"Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives." ― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score
And two books by Pete Walker:
Amazon.com: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA eBook: Walker, Pete: Kindle Store
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So I had stopped going to therapy because I was hurt thought my therapist didn't want me anymore. I had told him where I go for coffee at Tim Hortons so today I was sitting at a table and this guy in casual clothes and a hat asked if he could join me and it was my therapist. And we just talked like friends, he was asking what my hopes were, my dreams. He told me about his family and asked about mine. We talked for like 2 hours and I apologized to him. He apologized to me and said it hurts him to see me struggling and going thru so much trauma, and that all he wants for me is to be healthy, and one day not have to come see him anymore because then he would know that I am healthy and healed. That meant so much to me that I was in tears. We had a great chat about non therapy stuff. And we have things in common. We both love dogs, camping, and snowmobiling. It was so nice just to talk where I am not talking about the traumas I've experienced. I have a deeper respect for him because I know some of his life and just to say hey he's human. Yes he's my therapist who is a professional but he has a personal side to him. He had a client coming so he had to leave. He said he missed seeing me and that he expected me to come back to therapy tomorrow, to which I agreed. He asked me if we were good and I said yes. So I'm feeling so much better now. I had not gone to therapy for a few weeks, and I know clearly I need to keep seeing my therapist.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Yes you do. I'm glad to hear that worked out for you.
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