I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years now – 3 years since she cheated on me and it still hurts. Just last night I had yet another nightmare and didn't really get to sleep until after 3. Its been 3 years and still it haunts me, they say the pain fades, but really it isn't for me and lately it seems like it has been growing. At the end of the day I am painfully aware that I do not love her like I used to.
Lately it has begun to affects my work, my private life and my general mental health.
At the core of the issue at this point; I think is the fact that by now I had expected some closure, some easing of the pain and anger. Something I have not attained.
Let me start at the beginning: Three years ago I was in the military on the other side of the world, at the same time my girlfriend decided to do a study abroad in France for a year.
We would talk frequently over the phone but I soon came to realize that she was changing. She is not a very strong-willed person and is easily influenced by those around her. It was simple things at first like her spending money on stuff she did not normally; she also spoke differently - i don't mean she began using vulgar language - just stuff you pick up on when you are in a relationship with somebody for so long. It kept progressing - I'd get to hear about how she went dancing - danced with other guys, how in France she could "get laid in three minutes if she wanted to in France because of the guys" jokingly i guess - you know, great stuff to hear when you are in the military. After one discussion I learned that her her girlfriends nicknamed her ******** - because of the way that she would always dance with this one guy, teasing him - she of course said there was nothing to it, that they were just dancing.
I knew then and there what was going to happen - there is no such thing as just dancing anyway - and tried to avert it to warn her, begged her not to keep doing it. Before leaving for overseas I had begged her warned her pleaded with her to please break up with me rather than cheat on me – that it is the worst thing you can do to a soldier- but she did anyway.
When she told me -over the phone what she had done - I used some regretful language - but after those 5 minutes ending with me hanging up but telling her I would call her in 2 days when i had calmed down.
I then just collapsed in on myself - I felt nothing just empty- I went through the motions but I did not feel. The pain physically manifested itself in the form of chest pains and an infrequent stabbing pain in the heart.
I did decide to give it a try to work it out - I asked her to please stay away from the guy to not dance with him - she refused. That was just the first blow of many.
I think what is adding to my current difficulty in getting over this is not just that she cheated but what followed and the way she made me feel. Like refusing to not dance/see this guy. Like telling me that she loved me, but that it wasn't enough.
I almost felt like she was trying to make me break up with her.
*She now claims that this only happened this one time and that she never did dance with him again.
It went on like this for two months before my buddies got me drunk and convinced me to break it off.
For three months I didn't talk to her - but all throughout this time (and for the next 7 months) I had hours and hours of guard duty - this is where you stand at a guard post alone in the dark for 2 hours at a time just looking out with nothing but your thoughts to occupy your mind – and every time I was there standing idle it would creep into my head. For the next 7 months this went on and now even today when I am idle it comes back full force.
Maybe this is where my problem is - is that it consumed my thoughts during idle time on guard duty for such a period of time that my brain has become conditioned to follow that thought process. So of course whenever I try to sleep, whenever I am not doing something it is always there. Always waiting.
I did call her three months later to get back together. We talked about it when I got back but she never game straight answers.
*Is she sorry - yes?
*The way she explained it is that she had created a play world in her mind, where I was kept and she would think about me since I wasn't there. She said things were difficult for her in France and that her reality and this play world became more and more strained and that she needed something to anchor her. That she was only physically with that guy because in her mind us (me and her) were safe in her mind.
She said that night brought her crashing back to reality . Still doesn't explain her behavior afterwards.
I was never satisfied with her non answers to why she behaved why she said and why she did the things she did. She would always say: "i cannot be myself with that hanging over me" and I understand it to a certain degree but I do not know if I can be myself with it at all - I can respect her not wanting me to keep mentioning it - so I don't I just suck it up and keep it inside as I have since we talked about it last 2 years ago - but I cannot be at all with this going on.
I think I am seriously depressed and keeping this inside is only making it worse. I am beginning to think that my fixation with this could lead to some serious mental problems later for me.
Another problem is that while she may feel closer to me because she realized what she lost - I do not love her like I used to, I still do not trust her and I am constantly worrying when I hear that she will be anywhere with other guys. I would write poetry all the time for her – I haven't had a single inspiration since then.
The mere mention of France, salsa or Latin America (where the person was from) is enough to get me queasy and every time I think i might have stumbled unto a new piece of the puzzle I almost get physically ill.
Why haven’t I broken up with her – maybe part of it is longing for something that used to be there. another part is knowing that I will be alone – I do not meet people easily and I am now in a new city - 1 year and I still don't know anyone.
Really though, we used to have a great relationship and maybe she is giving more than she used to now but is it to little to late? I really know that if I could get passed this it would be good; but is it possible that cheating just strikes deeper in some people - that the sense of betrayal is just too ultimate that maybe I should just look forward and leave this behind?
I have tried to do the mature thing, I have tried working out my problems - I just need some advice from someone who has a clear.
Most of the people that have tried to relate in the passed are coming from much shorter term relationships and I do not know if I can relate entirely. (cheated on after 2 weeks together etc)
Could somebody maybe help me let go (either of it or her)? I have tried most things, even talked to the unit shrink which was pretty useless.
Any comments would be appreciated – thank you for lending me a few moments of your time.
Sebastian
Lately it has begun to affects my work, my private life and my general mental health.
At the core of the issue at this point; I think is the fact that by now I had expected some closure, some easing of the pain and anger. Something I have not attained.
Let me start at the beginning: Three years ago I was in the military on the other side of the world, at the same time my girlfriend decided to do a study abroad in France for a year.
We would talk frequently over the phone but I soon came to realize that she was changing. She is not a very strong-willed person and is easily influenced by those around her. It was simple things at first like her spending money on stuff she did not normally; she also spoke differently - i don't mean she began using vulgar language - just stuff you pick up on when you are in a relationship with somebody for so long. It kept progressing - I'd get to hear about how she went dancing - danced with other guys, how in France she could "get laid in three minutes if she wanted to in France because of the guys" jokingly i guess - you know, great stuff to hear when you are in the military. After one discussion I learned that her her girlfriends nicknamed her ******** - because of the way that she would always dance with this one guy, teasing him - she of course said there was nothing to it, that they were just dancing.
I knew then and there what was going to happen - there is no such thing as just dancing anyway - and tried to avert it to warn her, begged her not to keep doing it. Before leaving for overseas I had begged her warned her pleaded with her to please break up with me rather than cheat on me – that it is the worst thing you can do to a soldier- but she did anyway.
When she told me -over the phone what she had done - I used some regretful language - but after those 5 minutes ending with me hanging up but telling her I would call her in 2 days when i had calmed down.
I then just collapsed in on myself - I felt nothing just empty- I went through the motions but I did not feel. The pain physically manifested itself in the form of chest pains and an infrequent stabbing pain in the heart.
I did decide to give it a try to work it out - I asked her to please stay away from the guy to not dance with him - she refused. That was just the first blow of many.
I think what is adding to my current difficulty in getting over this is not just that she cheated but what followed and the way she made me feel. Like refusing to not dance/see this guy. Like telling me that she loved me, but that it wasn't enough.
I almost felt like she was trying to make me break up with her.
*She now claims that this only happened this one time and that she never did dance with him again.
It went on like this for two months before my buddies got me drunk and convinced me to break it off.
For three months I didn't talk to her - but all throughout this time (and for the next 7 months) I had hours and hours of guard duty - this is where you stand at a guard post alone in the dark for 2 hours at a time just looking out with nothing but your thoughts to occupy your mind – and every time I was there standing idle it would creep into my head. For the next 7 months this went on and now even today when I am idle it comes back full force.
Maybe this is where my problem is - is that it consumed my thoughts during idle time on guard duty for such a period of time that my brain has become conditioned to follow that thought process. So of course whenever I try to sleep, whenever I am not doing something it is always there. Always waiting.
I did call her three months later to get back together. We talked about it when I got back but she never game straight answers.
*Is she sorry - yes?
*The way she explained it is that she had created a play world in her mind, where I was kept and she would think about me since I wasn't there. She said things were difficult for her in France and that her reality and this play world became more and more strained and that she needed something to anchor her. That she was only physically with that guy because in her mind us (me and her) were safe in her mind.
She said that night brought her crashing back to reality . Still doesn't explain her behavior afterwards.
I was never satisfied with her non answers to why she behaved why she said and why she did the things she did. She would always say: "i cannot be myself with that hanging over me" and I understand it to a certain degree but I do not know if I can be myself with it at all - I can respect her not wanting me to keep mentioning it - so I don't I just suck it up and keep it inside as I have since we talked about it last 2 years ago - but I cannot be at all with this going on.
I think I am seriously depressed and keeping this inside is only making it worse. I am beginning to think that my fixation with this could lead to some serious mental problems later for me.
Another problem is that while she may feel closer to me because she realized what she lost - I do not love her like I used to, I still do not trust her and I am constantly worrying when I hear that she will be anywhere with other guys. I would write poetry all the time for her – I haven't had a single inspiration since then.
The mere mention of France, salsa or Latin America (where the person was from) is enough to get me queasy and every time I think i might have stumbled unto a new piece of the puzzle I almost get physically ill.
Why haven’t I broken up with her – maybe part of it is longing for something that used to be there. another part is knowing that I will be alone – I do not meet people easily and I am now in a new city - 1 year and I still don't know anyone.
Really though, we used to have a great relationship and maybe she is giving more than she used to now but is it to little to late? I really know that if I could get passed this it would be good; but is it possible that cheating just strikes deeper in some people - that the sense of betrayal is just too ultimate that maybe I should just look forward and leave this behind?
I have tried to do the mature thing, I have tried working out my problems - I just need some advice from someone who has a clear.
Most of the people that have tried to relate in the passed are coming from much shorter term relationships and I do not know if I can relate entirely. (cheated on after 2 weeks together etc)
Could somebody maybe help me let go (either of it or her)? I have tried most things, even talked to the unit shrink which was pretty useless.
Any comments would be appreciated – thank you for lending me a few moments of your time.
Sebastian
