Things to Do Before the Rapture

[David Baxter PhD]

Things to Do Before the Rapture
by Wendi Aarons
May 20th, 2011

• Floss
• Moisturize
• Confess To Weird Neighbor Gary That I Was the One Who Reported Him To The HOA For ?Violations Against Intelligence?
• Shave
• Hydrate
• Dance Madly Around The Roaring ?Spanx/Skirtini/Sports Bra? Bonfire In My Yard
• Shoplift
• Vandalize
• Tell The PTO That I?d Be Delighted To Be Their President Next Year, Then Laugh Manically And Make Armpit Farts
• Swindle
• Embezzle
• Become A Cast Member Of ?The Real Housewives Of What The F*ck You Lookin? At??
• Scream
• Squeal
• Have Lengthy Conversations With People Who Send Reply-All Emails & End With, And THAT?S Why You?re A Humungo D-Bag, My Friend.?
• Whistle
• Tap dance
• Call My Household Staff Together To Ask If I Gave Birth to Any of Their Secret Love Children Without My Knowledge
• Investigate
• Refudiate
• Get Wasted And Lick The Metal Door Handles At Wal-Mart
• Tolerate
• Commiserate
• Spend Life Savings On Private Manilow/Wham!/Peabo Bryson Concert So If I Don?t Get Into Heaven, I?ll At Least Know What It Sounds Like
• Scrub
• Shine
• Close My Eyes And Repent Like A Mofo