David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
This Won't Hurt a Bit, Really: Dating After Mental Illness
By Victoria Maxwell, Psychology Today
April 17, 2009
When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety and...uh, psychosis (I usually hold off telling people that part) it's not like I suddenly stopped being interested in dating. In fact even in the hospital I met...well that'll be another post.
What I mean is we don't stop craving companionship just because we have a mental illness. We're just like everybody else (for those of you without a psychiatric disorder - you may not want to hear that). But we are.
But how do you start dating again? There are a lot of factors to consider and it's not like there's an outpatient program for us: "dating after diagnosis", "intimacy after insanity".
One time, when I got out of the hospital - I kept running into this guy I liked. I don't think he knew I was alive. I must've been invisible. Oh. Don't say to your shrink: invisible. Red flag phrase for doctors. I just mean Sam - that was his name (cute, red hair, bulging biceps, lanky too). I just mean he probably had a girlfriend and didn't even notice me.
Problems really start once you actually start dating. How do you know when it's the right time to tell the person you've got a mental illness? Or...three? It's all gotta be very strategically timed. Do you wait ?til the fourth date - you know, test the waters first? Or just blurt it out during the first - put all your cards on the table, right up front?
Then there are the specifics: after appetizers - but before dessert? Certainly way before you announce the engagement and meet the parents, right? It might be sort of a "one-disorder-per-dinner-date" kinda thing. You've gotta consider the overwhelm factor.
It's like an art form: telling people, especially when it comes to dating. It's like pairing wine with food. Yeah. You know... you should only disclose bipolar disorder while eating something mild and stabilizing, yet still richly complex...like a classic Fettuccine Alfredo. Not with anything too wild like wasabi tuna steaks over udon noodles.
And when I let the cat out of the bag about anxiety, make sure it's not with anything too complicated or overpowering - don't need to add unnecessary pressure. Nothing too finicky...like a souffl?...or that requires extra cutlery skills - like fondue spears or chopsticks. Something simple, like a hearty hamburger - something that adds strength.
And psychosis...well, just stay away from anything flamb?ed.
Maybe a casual approach is best. A haphazard manner to mirror my history:?Oh, hi. No, I don't eat meat, or smoke, but I do occasionally take Prozac and Lithium.'
The point is we don't leave our hearts and desires behind when we get a diagnosis. We take them with us, along with our bodies, minds (yes our minds) and spirits as we walk or, in my case, stumble our way to recovery. And that's the point isn't it? Not how graceful we are, but that we're heading in the right direction and surrounded, hopefully, with people who are heading our way too. And into a great restaurant.
Victoria Maxwell is a playwright, actor, and lecturer. Her one-person shows, Crazy for Life and Funny...You Don't Look Crazy tour internationally and have garnered awards in both the United States and Canada. She also conducts workshops and speaks at conferences. She is currently working on her third play, entitled LAID: Putting to Bed the Myths of Mental Illness and Dating. Her website is www.victoriamaxwell.com and her Pyshology Today blog is Crazy for Life.
By Victoria Maxwell, Psychology Today
April 17, 2009
When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety and...uh, psychosis (I usually hold off telling people that part) it's not like I suddenly stopped being interested in dating. In fact even in the hospital I met...well that'll be another post.
What I mean is we don't stop craving companionship just because we have a mental illness. We're just like everybody else (for those of you without a psychiatric disorder - you may not want to hear that). But we are.
But how do you start dating again? There are a lot of factors to consider and it's not like there's an outpatient program for us: "dating after diagnosis", "intimacy after insanity".
One time, when I got out of the hospital - I kept running into this guy I liked. I don't think he knew I was alive. I must've been invisible. Oh. Don't say to your shrink: invisible. Red flag phrase for doctors. I just mean Sam - that was his name (cute, red hair, bulging biceps, lanky too). I just mean he probably had a girlfriend and didn't even notice me.
Problems really start once you actually start dating. How do you know when it's the right time to tell the person you've got a mental illness? Or...three? It's all gotta be very strategically timed. Do you wait ?til the fourth date - you know, test the waters first? Or just blurt it out during the first - put all your cards on the table, right up front?
Then there are the specifics: after appetizers - but before dessert? Certainly way before you announce the engagement and meet the parents, right? It might be sort of a "one-disorder-per-dinner-date" kinda thing. You've gotta consider the overwhelm factor.
It's like an art form: telling people, especially when it comes to dating. It's like pairing wine with food. Yeah. You know... you should only disclose bipolar disorder while eating something mild and stabilizing, yet still richly complex...like a classic Fettuccine Alfredo. Not with anything too wild like wasabi tuna steaks over udon noodles.
And when I let the cat out of the bag about anxiety, make sure it's not with anything too complicated or overpowering - don't need to add unnecessary pressure. Nothing too finicky...like a souffl?...or that requires extra cutlery skills - like fondue spears or chopsticks. Something simple, like a hearty hamburger - something that adds strength.
And psychosis...well, just stay away from anything flamb?ed.
Maybe a casual approach is best. A haphazard manner to mirror my history:?Oh, hi. No, I don't eat meat, or smoke, but I do occasionally take Prozac and Lithium.'
The point is we don't leave our hearts and desires behind when we get a diagnosis. We take them with us, along with our bodies, minds (yes our minds) and spirits as we walk or, in my case, stumble our way to recovery. And that's the point isn't it? Not how graceful we are, but that we're heading in the right direction and surrounded, hopefully, with people who are heading our way too. And into a great restaurant.
Victoria Maxwell is a playwright, actor, and lecturer. Her one-person shows, Crazy for Life and Funny...You Don't Look Crazy tour internationally and have garnered awards in both the United States and Canada. She also conducts workshops and speaks at conferences. She is currently working on her third play, entitled LAID: Putting to Bed the Myths of Mental Illness and Dating. Her website is www.victoriamaxwell.com and her Pyshology Today blog is Crazy for Life.
But I really believe that for some of us, at the beginning of recovery, inviting someone into this arena would only serve to muddy the waters. How can I discover who I am now if I'm busy trying to make someone feel welcomed into a world that is still unknown to me? I genuinely believe that dating or companionship can only be sought successfully when: 1) you know who you are and you're grounded; 2) you know what you want as a partner and in life and 3) you're in a good place, a place that is welcoming to that prospective partner. Short of any of these factors, I don't think that a successful relationship is possible - which only exacerbates our situations because it's yet another example (in our minds at least) of failure. IMO...
