Tiger Mothers? It?s Called Abuse.

[David Baxter PhD]

Tiger Mothers? It’s Called Abuse.
by Jane Chin, Jane's Mental Health Source Page
January 9, 2011

OK, so yes, Chinese parents seem to produce obedient children who excel in academics. But I still don’t know why this model of beating or brainwashing their kids into submission is being touted as if it were the superior form of parenting.

Maybe western or westernized parents do care a bit too much about their kids’ self esteem, and I personally don’t buy into that “everybody wins” crap. But I also think that consistent coercion and physical beating and slapping of children are NOT the only ways to raise respectful and academically achieving children. If anything, this only proves that Chinese parents haven’t found a more intelligent and creative way to engage their children. Look at the rate of children who commit suicide due to academic underachievement – and look at the percentage of children who are from an Asian cultural heritage.

This article, Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior, makes me see red.

Seriously – if you are truly “superior” – then you’d have come up with a method of gaining compliance and cooperation from your offsprings without resorting to physical beating and emotional abuse. Anyone who consistently engages these methods can eventually force the weaker person or the defenseless person to comply – PARENT OR NOT.

I am a Chinese mother, and if I ever show an inkling of turning into one of these “Tiger Mothers”, I fully expect my husband to do his job as my life partner and my kid’s father, and whack me upside the head before I ruin my kid.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior
By AMY CHUA, Wall Street Journal
Saturday, January 8, 2011

Can a regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music practice create happy kids? And what happens when they fight back?

A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

attend a sleepover
? have a playdate
? be in a school play
? complain about not being in a school play
? watch TV or play computer games
? choose their own extracurricular activities
? get any grade less than an A
? not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
? play any instrument other than the piano or violin
? not play the piano or violin.

I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.

All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.

Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something?whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet?he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.

Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once when I was young?maybe more than once?when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.

As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.

The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable?even legally actionable?to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty?lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her "beautiful and incredibly competent." She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)

Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out.

I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets.

First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.

For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials.

If a Chinese child gets a B?which would never happen?there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.

Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)

Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.

By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view. "Children don't choose their parents," he once said to me. "They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.

Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleepaway camp. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, "I got a part in the school play! I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.

Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.

Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called "The Little White Donkey" by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cute?you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with its master?but it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.

Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.

"Get back to the piano now," I ordered.

"You can't make me."

"Oh yes, I can."

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have "The Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.

Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu?which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her?and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique?perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet?had I considered that possibility?

"You just don't believe in her," I accused.

"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."

"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."

"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.

"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."

I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.

Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together?her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing?just like that.

Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.

"Mommy, look?it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed "The Little White Donkey" at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu?it's so spunky and so her."

Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.

There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

Amy Chua is a professor at Yale Law School and author of "Day of Empire" and "World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability." This essay is excerpted from "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua, to be published Tuesday by the Penguin Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I agree with Jane Chin: The fact that Amy Chua seems proud of systematically abusing her children can only be described as appalling.

 

[CarlaMarie]

I like the name "Tiger mother" only I have to smack my husband on the back of the head now and then to remind him how to go about getting them from here to there. With dignity and respect. Our goal is to teach them to become responsible adults. We want them to reach their full potential as human beings.
Our last discussion about this came after the first semester when my daughter brought home her first C ever. He was having a cow. It was a high C. I had to remind him who our daughter was. Very popular her social life is very important to her. She has her first boyfriend. She had to manage keeping that information away from us (we knew anyway) she had to go to every football game his, 8th grade, and the high school games (it was the only place she could see him). They stared school sports this year and she played volley ball and basketball. Then on top of all that she is in chior. That's a lot to manage. A C is unacceptable to her. We don't even have to say a word she already told us that.
The parenting with dignity and grace was managing the boy. To get her to come clean. We want to manage their time instead of her. That was drama. She did not want us to meet him or his parents. She is so funny. She gets so embarrassed. We did it.
My husband fears she doesn't give 100%. I would say it is true she doesn't give 100% in the stuff he thinks is impotant. Like basketball. He would love for her to be on the A basketball team. She is a slacker and she wants to be. She hasn't figured out why she can't be. She has a decision to make. Our expectation is that she plays the game.

 

[Yuray]

Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it.

Another one of rotes finest moments.

Even Jed gave me credit for that one.

What else could a kittywhipped man say...............sorry Jed.

On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.

And, like the mothers of childrens beauty pageant contestants, living vicariously.

Stats from web search re China

Educational attainment


As of 2000, percentage of population age 15 and over having:

• no schooling and incomplete primary: 15.6%
• completed primary: 35.7%
• some secondary: 34.0%
• complete secondary: 11.1%
• some postsecondary through advanced degree: 3.6%

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Is the “Chinese Mother” superior? Are Western Parents missing the boat? | Dr. Robyn Silverman - Child Development Specialist, Body Image Expert, Success Coach & the Creator of the Powerful Words Character Development System
Dr. Robyn Silverman
January 11, 2011

I was interviewed for this yahoo.com article posted today about the opinion of one “Chinese mother” (her label) on the difference between Western parenting and Chinese parenting. How self esteem is really cultivated is certainly in question.

“Western parents are concerned about their children’s psyches,” Chua wrote in her recent Wall Street Journal article. “Chinese parents aren’t. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently…. That’s why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish, and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it.”
​

What do you think?

I think it’s important to note that according to recent studies, Asian-Americans between the ages of 15 and 24 have the highest suicide rates of all ages in that age group. They have the highest rates of depression as well. “Model minority” and the intense pressures to achieve are often cited as factors of the suicides.

While we all have a lot to learn from one another—perhaps Western parents allow their children to quit too easily and may not push hard enough and Chinese parents (as defined by the writer) push too hard and use too many radical methods to ensure achievement—we know that self esteem, sense of self, and individuality develop throughout childhood.

How should success be defined within families? How do we know how hard we must push?

“If you look at the suicide and depression statistics of Asian-Americans, I think they contradict her assumption that this kind of verbal abuse has no effect,” says Dr. Robyn Silverman, a child-development expert and professional speaker. “Suicide is the second leading cause of death among Asian American women, ages 15-24. Asian American women, ages 15-24 and over 65, have the highest female suicide rates across all racial/ethnic groups…and family pressures are often cited as factors.”

The child may not protest the parents’ actions, but that may be because protest isn’t permitted. Many Asian cultures teach children not to admit weakness or criticize their parents, Dr. Silverman points out. “So it might be assumed that these kinds of parenting techniques don’t impact the child, when it actually does.”
​

Chinese mothers, as defined by the writer, spend more time in academic activities and more time on schoolwork and less time on social and self-propelled creative endeavors. School and academic achievements are central to many Asian children but even more so, it is one of the most important aspects of the Asian concept of success. The external rewards and external standards of grades, academic accolades, admission to prestigious colleges are central to judging the success of that child—not IN SCHOOL but IN LIFE. Meeting these expectations and standards are vital to avoiding feeling of shame and pleasing others—often their parents. How might this affect creativity and individuality? What I glean from the article is that there is a mold they need to fit—and if they don’t, there are consequences for both them and the family.

Western parents have a wider definition of success. While some families go too much to the other extreme, refrain from teaching their child good study habits, allowing their children to quit prematurely, refraining from pushing their child to achieve their best, many western children who are allowed to engage socially, artistically, kinesthetically. They have more room to develop their creativity and individuality. His motivation, in this case, is intrinsic— and his source of “rightness” “fit” “fulfillment” comes from his gut and his mind rather than external expectations. They can develop mastery in what they love rather than in a narrow definition of success. Of course, if parents are too lenient, they miss out on building their children’s sense of confidence and self reliance which is detrimental as they grow from child to adult.

What’s the answer?

Perhaps the answer is somewhere in the middle. A lot of parenting success lies on a continuum. There needs to be a nod towards the individual’s needs, personality, and learning style. There needs to be a desire to uncover that child’s gifts and personal assets. There needs to be, what I call SPARK- (Support, Passion, Action, Reason why, and Knowledge/Skills)—a parent’s decision to encourage and support their child’s passions, help, encourage, and keep them on track to take consistent action on their goals, uncover the intrinsic reason why they want this goal so badly, and exposing them to people and programs that allow them to access to skills and knowledge they need to succeed in this manner.

Sometimes our children want to quit, but parents need to help their children stick with what is healthy for them even when it’s challenging. Part of this is because they need to practice achieving their goals early so that they don’t create a pattern of quitting when stakes are high as an adult. Part of this is because our children aren’t always going to love everything they do—but they need to do what is necessary (school, brush their teeth, refrain from throwing food at a restaurant).

 

[David Baxter PhD]

See also http://forum.psychlinks.ca/family-and-friends/25373-reclaiming-your-self-from-tiger-mothers.html

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Parents like Amy Chua are the reason why Asian-Americans like me are in therapy
by Betty Ming Liu
January 8, 2011

All day long, people have been telling me about an article headlined: Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior. And I’ve had enough! I’m posting my reaction so that I don’t have to keep talking about it. Getting to the point: the piece is crap. But its writer, Yale Law School Professor Amy Chua, is also a marketing genius. Let me explain….

The article ran in this morning’s Wall Street Journal. It’s an excerpt from her memoir, which hits book stores on Tuesday. With everyone in the Asian American community jabbering about it, she and publisher Penguin Press are getting tons of free publicity for “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.”

If, like me, you’ve never heard of this woman, don’t worry. The Wikipedia.org entry about her is oh-so-current. Yes, it just happens to have a link to today’s shrewdly-timed Journal article. Hmmm.

As for the actual piece, all I can say is that Chua is a narrow-minded, joyless bigot. Don’t waste your money on the book. I’ll even spare you the drudgery of reading her essay by giving you highlights from the Journal excerpt:

• Chua begins by explaining that the reason “Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids” is because the children are totally controlled. She doesn’t let her kids do sleepovers, have playdates, be in school plays, watch TV or mess with computer games.

• Her two daughters are also forbidden from choosing their own extracurricular activities. They have to be the top students in every subject except gym and drama. They must bring home A’s.

• Kids need to be relentlessly drilled to achieve. “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it,” she writes. By the way, taking piano and violin lessons are a must.

• This overachieving — and overreaching — author writes about the time her father inspired her to excellence by telling her that she was “garbage.” A proud product of her upbringing, she once mentioned at a dinner party that she had, in the past, called her own daughter Sophia “garbage” — to the child’s face. Ugh.

The self-congratulatory essay goes on and on. You get the idea. Chua buys into the hardcore, traditional Chinese approach to tough love.

This is so sad because we’re talking about values that have nearly ruined so many of us.


Of course, what’s really sad is that Chua is perpetuating very dangerous ideas:

• Haven’t we had enough of over-pressured, guilt-ridden Asian immigrant and Asian-American college students committing suicide and acting out???
• Who gave her the right to define what is means to be “real” Chinese? Do all Chinese people have to behave like this to be authentic?
• If you look at the Wall Street Journal photo of her daughters, they still look like girls to me. Isn’t it frighteningly premature of her to hold them up as examples of her success? Would a good mother really behave like this?

I know casual observers will think Chua knows what she’s talking about because she teaches at Yale, and is a graduate of both Harvard College (magna cum laude) and Harvard Law School.

Well, there’s a dirty little secret about these lunatic, prestige-whoring Chinese parents that Chua represents. For all their lusting after the elitism of Ivy League degrees, what they admire more than anything is financial success. So on that note, I would like to recommend a different book for you to read: Delivering Happiness: A Path to Profits, Passion, and Purpose.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Are Chinese Mothers Superior To American Mothers?
The Last Psychiatrist
January 13, 2011

"A lot of people," writes Professor Amy Chua of Yale, in the Wall Street Journal,

wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.
​

It's hard to argue with success-- one of her daughters is pictured playing piano at Carnegie Hall-- and the kids seem at least ISO 400 happy. So is making them practice 3 hours a day, etc, so terrible?

If you're trying to figure out if her method works or if it is harmful some other way, you're missing the real disease in her thinking. She's not unique. the disease is powerful and prevalent, it is American, but a disease nonetheless. (No, this time it's not narcissism.)

I'll explain what's wrong with her thinking by asking you one simple question, and when I ask it you will know the answer immediately. Then, if you are a parent, in the very next instant your mind will rebel against this answer, it will defend itself against it-- "well, no, it's not so simple--" but I want to you to ignore this counterattack and focus on how readily, reflexively, instinctively you knew the answer to my question. Are you ready to test your soul? Here's the question: what is the point of all this? Making the kids play violin, of being an A student, all the discipline, all of this? Why is she working her kids so hard? You know the answer: college.

She is raising future college students.

Oh, I know that these things will make them better people in the long run, but silently agree that her singular purpose is to get the kids into college. Afterwards she'll want other things for them, sure, but for 18 years she has exactly one goal for them: early decision.

Before you argue the merits of that goal, let's ask ourselves why that is the pivot point in America? I don't know any parents who are desperate to raise better parents or better spouses or even better software engineers, we don't think like that. The few times someone thinks out of the box-- "I want my kid to be a basketball star" "I want my kid to be a Senator" the parent is identified as an unrealistic nut. And while a stated goal might be to raise a future doctor, in truth that's really only an abstract promise-- the 18 year goal is explicitly college. You don't teach your 6 year old to assess acute abdominal pain, do you? Nowhere to put that on an application. No, you teach him piano.

I certainly am not saying forcing them to learn piano is bad, or bad for the kid, or that despite the disease that has infected you it won't benefit the child-- I'm not saying Chua isn't right in her techniques. I am saying that what Chua is advocating is ultimately pointless because it is for a meaningless endeavor. The piano isn't for itself, it's for the "right" college, and for 99% of America the precise college you went to is as irrelevant as the beer you used to lose your virginity. Was it Bud Light or Stella Artois? Same bank account.

I feel you resisting my thesis, but no moment in time at that moment seems as important as getting into college, both to the parents and the kids. No one anymore celebrates getting a job even though that really represents your future lifestyle, limitations, experiences, everything.

You want your kid to go to a good college, of course I get it. But that monomania for college has to occur at the expense of something else. How much better/worse off are you that you went to your college and not your friend's college? In this hypothetical you don't play football.

And is that average class at an Ivy really better than the average class at a state school? I've taught at both: no. NB that in my example both the state students and the Ivy students had the same teacher-- me. I know there are differences between schools, I'm not naive, but most of those are social/political/sexual and not educational. An Ivy is "better" because its brand is better, like a car. No I don't mean "hey, they all get you there" I mean that the engine of a Toyota and a Lexus is the same, the difference is the leather seats. You want to pay for brand, go ahead; but the people in the know aren't fooled by your fancy car and windshield sticker and the people who aren't in the know can only praise or envy you, but they're in no position to help you attain your goals.

Don't think I've forgotten how important college is to a high school kid. I remember that despite terrible grades I was, inexplicably, put on the wait list to the University of Chicago. And all I could think was, "I'm going to be Phaedrus!" I didn't give a damn about the education, I was hoping/believing that that college was going to define me, make me into someone I was not. I should have been drafted into an infantry battalion just for that.

II.

"Get back to the piano now," I ordered.
http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/01/editor-content.html?cs=utf-8
"You can't make me."
http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/01/editor-content.html?cs=utf-8
"Oh yes, I can."
http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/01/editor-content.html?cs=utf-8
Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have [the piece] perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner... no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.
​

Take a step outside the article. This is a woman explaining why Chinese mothers are superior. The thing is, I don't know any Chinese mothers who would ever talk about their families this way, publicly, describe their parenting, brag about it. Never. And then you see it: Amy Chua isn't a Chinese mother, she's an American mother. She had a Chinese mother, but now she's a first generation American, which means she has more in common with Natalie Portman than she does with any recent Chinese immigrant. As an American, she was raised by the same forces: MTV, Reagan, Clinton, John Hughes movies. She may have reacted differently to those, but they were her experiences.

And what do Americans do? They brand themselves. I have no idea if Amy Chua cares about Viking stoves or Lexus automobiles but clearly her brand is SuperSinoMom and her bling are her kids. When Jay-Z wants to front he makes a video, and when Amy Chua represents she writes a WSJ article. Because that's her demo, you feel me?

Which means this self-serving piece has nothing to do with "how Chinese mothers are superior" but is really a summary of her episode of MTV Cribs. "Welcome to my home, yo, let me show you my gold toilet. It's for peeing and flushing the coke down when the heat comes in the back way."

III.

She meant this next passage to be self-congratulatory, let me know if she succeeded:

"You just don't believe in her [the daughter]," I accused.
http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/01/editor-content.html?cs=utf-8
"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."
http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/01/editor-content.html?cs=utf-8
"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."
http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/01/editor-content.html?cs=utf-8
"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.
http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/01/editor-content.html?cs=utf-8
"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."
​

Who talks like this? This isn't a 3rd person account, it's her autobiography, these are her words, she chose these words, these are how she saw it all go down: "accused," "scornfully", "rolling my eyes," "sarcastically." That's her impression of the world. She's writing this about her husband.

She can't resist getting in a few jabs at her husband. I cringe when I hear a spouse criticising another spouse in public. Lesson 1: you should never, ever, ever, demean your spouse in front of a commoner, and that's a much more powerful lesson to teach your kids than a decade and a half of Minuet in G.

And while we're on the subject of her husband, when I Google Earth this guy "Jed" what Chinese province is he going to be from? Oh, Jed isn't Chinese, he's a Jewish American Yale law professor. Now I can't tell if this woman is a racist or insane. Its ommission can only be deliberate, right? It's almost as if she is trying too hard to convince us not that she's a good mother or a successful woman but Chinese, that's the focus for her, so important is this that she needed to make it public-- which makes me want to bet ten million dollars that her children are being raised Jewish. Is she publicly broadcasting that she's the Chinese mother stereotype to make up for the SinoSems she's created?

You/she'll say that the Chinese discipline is what makes the kids successful, but that's silly. Given that her husband is a Jewish American equivalent to her Chinese Americanness, why isn't their daughters' successes the result of Jewish fathering? Chua would say that she's the one who made her practice, but she's at work all day just like he is, right? I get that she yells more, ok, mission accomplished, but as a technical matter she's not there all the time, the kids have to be self-motivated, and that self-motivation came not just from the mother, but from growing up in with those parents. Unless she's arguing that the father is pretty much irrelevant? Oh, that is what she's arguing. Sigh.

What Chua believes has made her kids succeed isn't just that she makes them work hard, but that she is allowed to yell at them.

As an adult, I once did the same to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.
​

Look, I totally get how sometimes a parent will threaten their kid with piranhas or downed electrical wires, but why on earth would you brag about it? Seriously, think about this woman's mind. Either she is totally oblivious to what people would find appalling, or else she actually thinks that she is going to convince an entire room of what I assume are also baby making professionals that what she is doing isn't crazy, but awesome.

IV.

Amy Chua wants us to believe she is a "Chinese mother," and my contention is she's not. I'm not saying she's a bad mother at all, only that what she thinks is and what she actually is aren't the same.

What defines a "Chinese mother"-- and any steretoypical immigrant parent situation-- is the sacrifice. "We sacrifice everything to give you better opportunity!!" they shriek at dinner. Look up at her opening list: those are the sacrifices her kids make, but what sacrifices does she make? Again, I don't mean she's a bad mother, but where is the sacrifice of her own personal happiness, clothing, hopes and dreams? Note carefully that she may in fact be sacrificing, but in her essay she does not describe those as important (or at all) to the success. What's important to her is the yelling and the discipline, which she believes is a Chinese technique.

The curse of the second generation, in which they do worse then their parents, isn't about lazy kids but self-absorbed parents. When you immigrate to America to open a dry cleaning business you don't make it your identity-- it's all for the kids (and boy of boy do the parents never let you forget it.) Then your kids grow up to become, oh, lawyers, and that does become their identity-- so when these lawyers have kids of their own the lawyering isn't all for their kids, a lot of it is still for the lawyers. It's not a criticism, it's a comment on the 24 hour day: two lawyer parents aren't home as much as their wife of a dry cleaner mom was, so there's less time for the kids. There's nothing you can do about that.

Except there is, and what Amy Chua isn't telling you, the real secret of her brand of "Chinese" (read: affluent American) mothering, is that there's likely a brigade of tutors running through the house. Now it appears on screen that Chua can be both successful and devote all this time to calling her kids fatties, but behind the scenes she has help. Hey, God bless anyone who can get it/afford it/convince your spouse it isn't because you want college girls around, but if you want to prove that something is associated with success, you have to control for the external variables.

V.

You will observe that she is writing this nonsense not in a peer reviewed journal that could take her to task, i.e. McCall's, but in the WSJ. Why would the WSJ want to support "the Chinese mother?" Because if you're reading it, it's for you.

The WSJ doesn't care a lick about her, as evidenced by the fact that they actually published this embarrassment. What the WSJ does care about is defining "good kids" in the same (but opposite) way The New Yorker wants to be the one to define it. For the WSJ, good = will generate a positive ROI.

Let's go back to her crazy list of why her parenting is better. #9: violin or piano, no other instruments. If Chua is so Chinese, and has full executive control over her kids, why does she-- and the real Chinese parents out there-- make their kids play violin, play Bach and not Chinese music? They'd be happy to educate you on the beauty of Chinese music, I'm sure, but they don't make their kids learn that. Why not?

She wants them learning this because the Western culture deems classical music as high culture, and therefore anyone who can play it is cultured. Someone said Beethoven is great music so they learn that. There is no sense of understanding, it is purely a technical accomplishment. Why Beethoven and not Beethoven's contemporaries? The parents have no idea. Can her kids write new music? Do they want to write music? It's all mechanics. This isn't a slander on Asian musicianship, it is an observation that the parents who push their kids into these instruments are doing it for its significance to other people (e.g., colleges) and not for itself. Why not guitar? Why not painting? Because it doesn't impress admissions counselors. What if the kid shows some interest in drama? Well, then kid can go live with his white friends and see how far he gets in life.

That's why it's in the WSJ. The Journal has no place for, "How a Fender Strat Changed My Life." It wants piano and violin, it wants Chua's college-resume worldview. Sometimes it has no choice but to confront a Mark Zuckerberg but they quickly reframe the story into the corporate narrative. "The Google boys were on to something, but to make it profitable they had to bring in Eric Schmidt..." The WSJ is operating well within the establishment, right wing, artists-are-gay and corporations-are-not context. It wants kids who will conform, who will plug into the machine (albeit at the higher levels), it wants the kind of kids who want the approval of the kinds of people who read the WSJ.

Amy Chua thinks she wrote an essay and published it. Wrong. The WSJ wanted this kind of an article and they chose one from the thousands available. They chose hers-- a woman's-- because if this same article had been written by a man it would have been immediately revealed as an angry, abusive, patriarchal example of capitalism.

Which is where this comes full circle. Amy Chua thinks she's raising her kids the Chinese way, but she is really raising them to be what the WSJ considers China to be: a pool of highly skilled labor that someone else will profit from. On second thought, that is the Chinese way.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Was Amy Chua Right about Parenting? My Answer.

Was Amy Chua Right about Parenting? My Answer.
By Jane Chin, Jane's mental Health Page
January 15, 2011

Amy Chua is right about this form of parenting when you want to create a society that:

1. considers physical, mental, and emotional coercion as the only form of gaining compliance from a human being
2. considers outward success based on a standard of ?winning? and ?better than? as the only form of success
3. considers parents as owners ? not stewards ? of children
4. considers parents? ?face? and ?pride? and ?ego? as synonymous with love for their own children
5. believes in ?the end justifies the means?
6. believes that human beings experience contentment, satisfaction, and fulfillment the exact same way
7. thinks it?s perfectly normal and even smart to use broad, sensationalizing, sweeping, controversial generalizations and stereotypes to hawk one?s book, and once she?s gotten the media attention, to claim that her book was meant to talk about HER own growth as a parent, and ignore the fact that her WSJ article was neither apologetic nor satiric in nature.

Conclusion:
I don?t need to debate whether HER method of parenting makes sense ? many readers in this thread already have.

I am looking at the type of parenting that results in the likes of Amy Chua, and I see this as an abject failure of Chua?s parents? parenting methods. They?ve produced an offspring who is outwardly successful, incredibly shrewd, and has learned to manipulate human emotions for self gain.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Our New Policy
by Wendi Aarons
January 18th, 2011

To: The Kids
From: Mommy
Re: New Family Policy To Be Effective Immediately

Dear Kids:

Based on a few serious discussions that have recently taken place between your father and me, I must inform you that there will be some major changes taking place in our household starting today. The reason behind this big shake-up is simple: you?re both major disappointments to us.

And we will no longer live with the humiliation of average children.

Oh, sure, we let you slide for a while. We gave you plenty of breathing space when you were learning to walk and to read and to potty train, but now those salad days are over, man. Like Tina Yothers found out when she reached her teen years, you can only stay adorable for so long. Now you slackers are actually going to have to work at being special. And good frickin? luck with that.

Because seriously, you two are now 7 and 9-years-old and just what have you accomplished? I don?t see a national chess championship trophy on your dresser. There?s no agent on the line waiting to negotiate your talent deal with Disney. And don?t even get me started on your dismal Olympic chances because we all know the 3-year-old next door with the private archery coach can kick both your asses. Blindfolded.

See, even though you?re both ?well adjusted? and ?happy? and ?enjoying childhood,? has it ever occurred to you how that load of crap makes us look as parents? Has it? Robert Kennedy Jr.?s wife gets to tell people that their 9-year-old son just read the Odyssey and is now writing is his own version. You know what I get to tell people? That you can burp the Sponge Bob Square Pants theme song while accompanying yourselves with armpit farts. Isn?t that just terrific? If I were a Tiger Mom, I?d push me down and kick me in the crotch until the cops showed up.

?But, mommy,? you?re saying, ?maybe the reason we didn?t win the spelling bee or the science fair is because you didn?t forbid play dates or bribe us with an iPhone like the other parents (allegedly) did. It?s not our fault?it?s yours!? And, yes, you?re probably right on that count. I didn?t take the elementary school competitions seriously enough. I didn?t push you to exhaustion. I didn?t hire a reading tutor to make sure you kicked the other first graders? asses in the Read-A-Fun! program, thereby ensuring early admission to Brown and a problem-free future. Yep, that?s all on me, kids.

And to be completely honest with you, I also totally regret all the times I forced you to go outside and hit things with a stick instead of making you do math drills. And the times I said, ?I?m proud of you for just trying your best.? (Which is bullshit.) And for only letting you take one after school activity at a time so you didn?t get overwhelmed. For the love of God, I?m such a jackass, lazyparent. If I?d been Beyonc??s mother, she?d probably be working the register at Chik-Fil-A right now. Probably wouldn?t even know how to do super awesome hair flips, either.

That?s why we?ve decided it?s now crucial for our family to enact the ?Policy to Render Excellent Student Success Until Rewards Ensue? (P.R.E.S.S.U.R.E.) system that I created after drinking a pot of coffee and seeing Black Swan three times in a row. Your father and I are still working out the details, but just know that from now on, you can kiss all free time, playing outside and watching anything on TV that isn?t narrated by a British man good-bye. Yep, adios, mofo. It was good while it lasted. In their place you?ll find private lessons, coaches, tutors, cash outlays, tension headaches, resentment, disharmony and possibly a peptic ulcer before middle school if we?re doing our jobs right.

Achieving excellence isn?t easy; any former child actor/parolee could tell you that. But once you two finally accomplish something noteworthy enough for us to rub in every other parent?s face until they feel completely inadequate and enact their own PRESSURE system at home, it?ll all have been worth it.

Now go get your shoes on because it?s time for your archery lesson.

Signed,

Your Mother