David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Tips for Detaching Your Clingy Kids
by Michele Borba
March 30, 2009
Excessive clinginess is a common phase in a child's early years. It usually starts around eight or nine months, peaks at 18 months and then usually becomes less and less intense ending around two years. It is also common around preschool age at the first separation from home but sometimes even young adolescents in certain anxiety-provoking situations. Though common it still can be quite unsettling for a parent.
Each child handles stress differently so the causes of clinginess will be different for each child: A parent's job is to play detective and figure out what's causing clinginess. Typical causes include:
Unsettling or traumatic experience: Bullying, hospitalization, fear of failure, death or illness of a parent, divorce, natural disaster, attachment gone awry.
Sudden transition: Moving, arrival of a new sibling.
A distressing separation: Long separations from a parent, threats of abandonment ("I will leave you if you don't come along").
Temperament: Some kids are more like tumbleweeds and roll with the punches; others are like orchids... more sensitive, less adaptable and more tightly strung. Twenty percent of four-month-olds have a biological "nudge" in the direct of increased fearfulness and are a slower-to-warm child.
Typically a younger child will cling more towards their primary caregiver, which is normally mom, and can be quite unsettling for the other parent - usually dad. It's why it is helpful to understand child development and know that such behavior is normal and will pass.
Parents have to know that is that research confirms biology is not destiny. Jerome Kagan's famous Yale studies1 with over-anxious, kids discovered that when their parents encouraged their kids to spend time with peers and work through their fears only one third still showed timid behavior as they entered adulthood.
Here are a few parenting practices that help make goodbyes less stressful:
Find parental substitutes. Find people she trusts--a babysitter, relative, teacher and friends who knows your child's quirks, routines, likes and dislikes. Gradually stretch separation times without you and slowly broaden a child's "inner security circle".
Prepare for separations. Studies at Children's Hospital found that kids whose parents prepared them for a separation were able to leave their parent far easier and protested far less than those not prepared. Drive by the birthday party in advance, go meet the new teacher before the first school day, take a virtual online school tour before the move.
Teach how to "talk to the worry." Help the child name the feeling. "I'm scared" then teach how to talk back to the fear so she is in charge of the worry and not the other way around. The trick is to have her practice telling herself she'll be okay to build confidence: "Go away worry, leave me alone. Mommy will come back."
Rehearse social problems. Setting up pretend scenarios and role-playing specific social problems, like how to meet a new friend or what to say if someone approaches the child.
Create "goodbye" rituals. Create a special kiss, provide a special pebble or keychain to put in his pocket then explain that when he touches it means you're thinking of him.
Be cool, consistent, and leave. Kids' anxiety increases if you make too big of a deal about leaving or draw it out. So stay calm and show confidence in your child. Reassure her that you'll be back. Promise to return at the stated time. Give her a watch with marked the time you'll return. Then do so and remind your child that you did. The key is to establish a consistent pattern of goodbyes that build your child's confidence in you and your relationship to help your child realize she can make it through the time apart.
There are three parenting styles that will actually increase clinginess in your child:
1 Jerome Kagan studies: D. Goleman, Social Intelligence, p. 160.
by Michele Borba
March 30, 2009
Excessive clinginess is a common phase in a child's early years. It usually starts around eight or nine months, peaks at 18 months and then usually becomes less and less intense ending around two years. It is also common around preschool age at the first separation from home but sometimes even young adolescents in certain anxiety-provoking situations. Though common it still can be quite unsettling for a parent.
Each child handles stress differently so the causes of clinginess will be different for each child: A parent's job is to play detective and figure out what's causing clinginess. Typical causes include:
Unsettling or traumatic experience: Bullying, hospitalization, fear of failure, death or illness of a parent, divorce, natural disaster, attachment gone awry.
Sudden transition: Moving, arrival of a new sibling.
A distressing separation: Long separations from a parent, threats of abandonment ("I will leave you if you don't come along").
Temperament: Some kids are more like tumbleweeds and roll with the punches; others are like orchids... more sensitive, less adaptable and more tightly strung. Twenty percent of four-month-olds have a biological "nudge" in the direct of increased fearfulness and are a slower-to-warm child.
Typically a younger child will cling more towards their primary caregiver, which is normally mom, and can be quite unsettling for the other parent - usually dad. It's why it is helpful to understand child development and know that such behavior is normal and will pass.
Parents have to know that is that research confirms biology is not destiny. Jerome Kagan's famous Yale studies1 with over-anxious, kids discovered that when their parents encouraged their kids to spend time with peers and work through their fears only one third still showed timid behavior as they entered adulthood.
Here are a few parenting practices that help make goodbyes less stressful:
Find parental substitutes. Find people she trusts--a babysitter, relative, teacher and friends who knows your child's quirks, routines, likes and dislikes. Gradually stretch separation times without you and slowly broaden a child's "inner security circle".
Prepare for separations. Studies at Children's Hospital found that kids whose parents prepared them for a separation were able to leave their parent far easier and protested far less than those not prepared. Drive by the birthday party in advance, go meet the new teacher before the first school day, take a virtual online school tour before the move.
Teach how to "talk to the worry." Help the child name the feeling. "I'm scared" then teach how to talk back to the fear so she is in charge of the worry and not the other way around. The trick is to have her practice telling herself she'll be okay to build confidence: "Go away worry, leave me alone. Mommy will come back."
Rehearse social problems. Setting up pretend scenarios and role-playing specific social problems, like how to meet a new friend or what to say if someone approaches the child.
Create "goodbye" rituals. Create a special kiss, provide a special pebble or keychain to put in his pocket then explain that when he touches it means you're thinking of him.
Be cool, consistent, and leave. Kids' anxiety increases if you make too big of a deal about leaving or draw it out. So stay calm and show confidence in your child. Reassure her that you'll be back. Promise to return at the stated time. Give her a watch with marked the time you'll return. Then do so and remind your child that you did. The key is to establish a consistent pattern of goodbyes that build your child's confidence in you and your relationship to help your child realize she can make it through the time apart.
There are three parenting styles that will actually increase clinginess in your child:
- Parental anxiety. Parental anxiety feeds to your child so curb your anxiety and watch how you react. Kids can catch our fears. Anxious parents produce anxious kids.
- Unrealistic expectations. Too high of expectations can cause a child to believe that her efforts are never good enough and avoid the situation.
- Over protection and too much reassurance. Always rescuing or being over protective robs a child of confidence. The key is to find the balance between pushing and protecting that's right for your child.
1 Jerome Kagan studies: D. Goleman, Social Intelligence, p. 160.
