eva
MVP
I feel like I've been hit in the face with more deaths than I'm equipped to handle for my age.
In the summer of 2010, a friend of mine passed away because of an accident involving her epileptic condition. It was shocking and stressful to the point where I felt exhausted and physically ill for a whole day because I didn't know how to handle the situation. Even though I had some peace of mind attending her wake, I still felt restless, distracted and even guilty.
Then last year in the fall of 2011, one of my best friends from high school passed because of some undiagnosed physical problems he'd been having. I was more aware of other people that time, and seeing all the people who had mocked him, used and belittled him that were now regretting everything too late made me feel an extreme sense of injustice that eventually made me disenfranchised from that group of friends and disinclined to keep socializing with them. When I see things that remind me of the bond I had with that group, I still feel surges of melancholy and frustration.
More recently, I had to put down my cat at the end of this summer. He was very loved by my family and he gave me comfort I otherwise had a very hard time feeling because of social awkwardness and not feeling respected by my peers & friends. It was very overwhelming and even a little scarring having to deal with an innocent animal that I cared about suffering and knowing that I was the one with the choice about how he lived or died. It was a power that I didn't want at all.
These experiences have had a lot of impact in how I behave and think today, and I'll be entirely honest and admit that I've not overcome the collective grief. It feels like I get knocked down by another tragedy everytime I try to recover from the shock of one already. I just keep thinking things like, "Christ, I'm only 21. I don't have the life experience to deal with this". I'm becoming afraid that another big tragic shock in my personal life is waiting for me around the corner, and I just need time to recover from the stress of these events, with people who I know will respect me and listen.
In the summer of 2010, a friend of mine passed away because of an accident involving her epileptic condition. It was shocking and stressful to the point where I felt exhausted and physically ill for a whole day because I didn't know how to handle the situation. Even though I had some peace of mind attending her wake, I still felt restless, distracted and even guilty.
Then last year in the fall of 2011, one of my best friends from high school passed because of some undiagnosed physical problems he'd been having. I was more aware of other people that time, and seeing all the people who had mocked him, used and belittled him that were now regretting everything too late made me feel an extreme sense of injustice that eventually made me disenfranchised from that group of friends and disinclined to keep socializing with them. When I see things that remind me of the bond I had with that group, I still feel surges of melancholy and frustration.
More recently, I had to put down my cat at the end of this summer. He was very loved by my family and he gave me comfort I otherwise had a very hard time feeling because of social awkwardness and not feeling respected by my peers & friends. It was very overwhelming and even a little scarring having to deal with an innocent animal that I cared about suffering and knowing that I was the one with the choice about how he lived or died. It was a power that I didn't want at all.
These experiences have had a lot of impact in how I behave and think today, and I'll be entirely honest and admit that I've not overcome the collective grief. It feels like I get knocked down by another tragedy everytime I try to recover from the shock of one already. I just keep thinking things like, "Christ, I'm only 21. I don't have the life experience to deal with this". I'm becoming afraid that another big tragic shock in my personal life is waiting for me around the corner, and I just need time to recover from the stress of these events, with people who I know will respect me and listen.
