Urgent!

[WilliamCollins]

I can't believe my life has turned out like this. This isn't me. I don't know who this person is staring back at me. Who have I become? I want to be the person I used to be before I became ill and before I made the stupid decision to experiment with drugs.

I started taking drugs at a very important and critical time in my life. I was making the transition from a child and into an adult. At about the age of 17. Not exactly a child but you know what I mean.

I thought that medication would bring me back to who I was but that's not what happened (what is happening). I sometimes feel like I'm screwed up beyond repair.

I know I'm complaining. Heh, how could I not? Thinking in this way and being all negative is counter productive, I know, but it has its purpose. It shows me how completely @#$%ed up I've become. You have no idea. No one does and no one seems to care. They're just glad their not me. Seeing the difference is important to me. It lets me know that I was once alright, and this is important to me.

I lost most of my friends. My social skills went out the window. My family is there but it's difficult to connect with them. Why is it like this? How do I improve? It seems to get worse with time. Yes, I'm taking my meds but even on these meds I still feel like I'm gradually getting worse with time.

Here's a taste of my living, breathing, nightmare: I have this awareness inside me that has me in its grasp and it is always there just around the corner. Am I this awareness? No, it's not me. It's like my mind made up this being to monitor myself. It's like I'm being watched and it's hard to get rid of this feeling which it produces. It's hard to concentrate and live normally because of it. I've gotten used to it, but it's like pain - you never completely get used to it and you can't really forget about it.

But you don't care about me, right? You probably skimmed through the above description and thought nothing of it. You didn't go beyond the words and use your imagination to see and feel what it would be like to have some being (for lack of a better word) constantly monitoring your actions and behaviour (Like that makes it any easier...). You don't get it and you don't want to get it because it doesn't concern you.

So why are you still reading this? Answer this one little question. If not for me than answer it for yourself, and don't forget about a thing called honesty. Or maybe you're so convoluted that you don't know how to be properly honest with yourself. Maybe you're trapped in lies upon lies. Endless lies.

NOTE: I don't know why I typed that. I felt like it needed to be said. Didn't mean to offend anyone.

So, NOW will I get some help? I don't know why I even bother with any of this. I guess I just hope that someone will understand and write something that will clear the way for me. I feel like there is no one like me out there. Well, duh... But that's not what I meant. You know what I mean, don't you? I need to change myself in some way, somehow.

Maybe there is someone that does care and can say something that will make all the difference in my life.

You know, I've typed dozens of these messages before but I never posted any of them because in the end it seems pointless. I become closed off and it seems hopeless and like no help will get through. Nevertheless, I'll take a chance with this one and actually post it this time.

Cheers!

 

[Modus.Ponens]

This may sound strange for you, but I care for you. I'm not a health professional so I can't give you any help from the professional point of view. Even if I were, online help doesn't substitute real life help.

I can however give you advice about what worked for me: meditation. Whenever I was feeling worse, meditation would help. However, if you're too ill it can make you worse. So what I'm going to do is to give you two books, both avaialable freely online and then if you find it helpful, apply it in your daily life. Aproach it slowly, testing first if it helps you.

About metta meditation wich focus on cultivating positive emotions: Metta Bhavana: Cultivation of Loviing-kindness.

About mindfulness meditation: The heart of Buddhist meditation ... - Google Books

Now, about mindfulness meditation: given your problem (that you feel there is some being inside you monitoring your actions) you can have some conflict with mindfulness meditation. Or you can solve that problem. I don't know how ill are you so I don't know what the result will be, but you will never know unless you try.

I hope this helps.

EDIT: PS: if you have questions about the content of the books feel free to ask.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

My apologies, William, but you're going to have to remind me: What have you tried so far? Do you have a family doctor? A psychiatrist? A therapist? Are you in therapy now? Are you taking any prescribed medications currently? If not, have you in the past?

 

[WilliamCollins]

Modus.Ponens, I appreciate it, thanks. About the meditation, I've always wanted to start because I heard some really good things about it. You say that meditation can make someone worse, I'm not sure I understand this. Let me try: perhaps if I'm really ill and I meditate to fuel my delusions then I can see this as being a potential problem.

David Baxter, I feel like I've tried it all. I'll try to answer your questions within the preceding text.

I'm hurting so much right now. I feel like all this negativity that I've been going through is making me into a bad person. Into a bitter and hateful person. I don't want to be like that, but sometimes it seems like the only way out (if you know what I mean).

I asked my doctor (psychiatrist) a while ago if maybe he thought I was a psychopath and he told me that I was being delusional and that I don't fit the profile of a psychopath. Now, this brings me to the question, would he tell me the truth if I really was a psychopath or would he keep it to himself since, let's face it, being a schizophrenic psychopath is, IMO, far worse than having schizophrenia alone.

I take 15mgs of Olanzapine everyday after supper (I was planning on stopping but I haven't because I'm afraid of what will happen if I stop taking my medication). Yesterday I met with my psychiatrist and he thinks I'm doing better (he mentioned that I seemed less irritable. Btw, I wasn't aware that I was irritable on previous occasions) and should continue with the way things are (same meds, same dosage, etc). Plus, I started studying again (I actually sat down and read something for a couple of hours). These are good signs and they seem to give me a new found ability to take notice of what's been going on with me. My biggest problem is with insight - into my behaviour, what is and isn't part of this illness, that sort of thing.

The strange and unfortunate thing about me is that I have my good days and my bad days. Maybe saying "days" isn't too accurate because it's more like instances, or that's want it seems to be at this point. Example: I could be having a blast when suddenly I get bombarded, or more like attacked, by thoughts and insights, and at the end of it all, I (might) see myself dying... I do fantasize about death sometimes. I try not to get comfortable with the idea but sometimes it seems like I must think it through. This is also why I wouldn't like to live in a high-rise apartment building. I feel like I'd lose control one day and plunge to my death. Coming to my senses right before I hit the pavement.

How messed up is that? It scares me. I really don't want to die. But I feel like something in me could take over one day. It terrifies me like you can't imagine.

I'm plagued by thoughts like this, and these thoughts literally haunt me. Anyone else like this? If so, is it best to think things through until satisfied with it or is it better to not think about it and try to forget about it? I REALLY NEED TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION! No matter what it is (something good or bad) it sometimes feels like I have to think about something in a certain way and not stop thinking about it until I'm satisfied (with the result, for instance). This reminds me of Leonardo DiCaprio's character in the Movie The Aviator. Remember when he kept doing things and repeating the same phrases over and over until he was okay again. Well, this is EXACTLY what happens with me. I should also mention that the medication does seem to help. I used to exhibit stronger signs of OCD but with medication it leaves me feeling more absent-minded... The medication definitely helps in that way.

Got to go now. Take care everyone!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm plagued by thoughts like this, and these thoughts literally haunt me. Anyone else like this? If so, is it best to think things through until satisfied with it or is it better to not think about it and try to forget about it? I REALLY NEED TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION! No matter what it is (something good or bad) it sometimes feels like I have to think about something in a certain way and not stop thinking about it until I'm satisfied (with the result, for instance). This reminds me of Leonardo DiCaprio's character in the Movie The Aviator. Remember when he kept doing things and repeating the same phrases over and over until he was okay again. Well, this is EXACTLY what happens with me. I should also mention that the medication does seem to help. I used to exhibit stronger signs of OCD but with medication it leaves me feeling more absent-minded... The medication definitely helps in that way.

I think it's best not to give such thoughts more emotional power over you by dwelling on them. Try to identify them as just thoughts, just worries. Let them pass through you but don't give them any special focus.

Obsessional thinking is often, perhaps always, part of schizophrenia. Some medications manage this part of schizophrenia better than others, though, so make sure that your psychiatrist is aware that you are having intrusive thoughts like the ones you describe.

 

[Modus.Ponens]

Hi Wiliam

There are basicaly two types of meditation: concentration (samatha) and insight (vipassana). If you are doing samatha and you have obsessive thoughts (or paranoias) at the same time and can't let go of them, they get stronger when you come out of meditation. Metta meditation is a kind of samatha but it can be easier to let go of obsessive thoughts while doing it, because you are actively thinking in something else, thus reducing the probability of obsessive thoughts to arise. Also, if you don't want to become a bitter person, like you said, metta meditation is the direct antidote to that, for its objective is to cultivate feelings of good will towards every being. My advice is for you to be careful and start doing 5 minutes a day and see how it works for a week. Then start doing ten if the results are good, then 15, and so on.

Mindfulness meditation generaly falls under the category of vipassana (insight) meditation. It was said by a schizophrenic person on a buddhist forum I used to be on that when he applied mindfulness, he felt a pain in the head. If I understand correctly that pain, it means he got disturbed everytime he practiced mindfulness. In your case, since you feel that there is a being monitoring every action you take, it can generate conflict when apllying mindfulness to your daily life. This conflict can have a solution or not. It depends on how ill you are. So my advice here is to read the whole book on mindfulness first and only then to start practicing mindfulness so you can have a well informed position. As with metta meditation, start first with five minutes, then ten and so on. There is, however, a part of the instruction on mindfulness meditation in that book that falls on the category of samatha, which is to be mindful of the breath while seating down with your back straight. This part of mindfulness meditation has the same drawbacks as described above to the samatha case.

In order to deal with obsessive thoughts and paranoias, mindfulness meditation should be tried first, and only after having some experience in dealing well with these thoughts should you try samatha like, for example, metta meditation.

Another way meditation can hurt you is in my case. I can only have a limited amount of time to meditate. After that time I start getting confused and tense. But it's worth meditating during that interval of time.

I hope this helps.