Urges won't stop

[AMT]

Hey,

Been a while since I've written on here. I feel kinda guilty only posting when theres something really wrong, when I've still been here reading posts and hoping they overcome it but not writing any of it down.

Anyway... I guess theres a lot running through my head right now so I'll try to set it straight; I used to SI every day, It made me feel better after and more aware of what was happening, helped me to feel more in control of my life. I managed to stop SI for around a month, had a brief relapse and I haven't done it for around... something like 4,5 months now? Thing is though, I still have to fight with the urges, every single day. Not just for SI, but they almost always involve SI in some way or form. The main reason i stopped was because I didn't want a family member to see it, and to freak out so I guess I don't want to cause any kind of fuss or undue hurt to anyone, I'm not worth that.

One thing that really fuels my wanting to start again, apart from it making me feel better afterwards, as recently I've had a constant low, is that since I stopped the scars have never really changed. I mean, the one on my right arm has. But on my left one, theres a large thick line of red skin thats kind of, Well.. it sticks out a lot. The ones around it are normal scars but that one is not, and I'm afraid it will never go and I'll end up hiding it from people for the next few years like I've managed the last few months, which is incredibly annoying; having to wear long sleeved clothing in summer, having to refuse to go swimming which I love, etc. I can't do what most "Normal" people would do, much as I would like to.

So, I wondered, does anyone have any suggestions as to how i could get it to at least turn into a normal scar rather than a big red thick line on the underside of my arm. I was thinking of going to see a doctor about it, I'm especially concerned because it's directly over the vein and I'm positive it's something to do with that, and a few other things that happened during the period that i SI'd. I just don't see the point in stopping SI so that no one would know I did it, when theres clear evidence constantly staring you in the face, and if I SI'd nothing would actually change; I'd be living life same way as I am now, hiding it and at the same time not having to fight the urge every single day while fighting other things at the same time. I just feel like I've run myself down to the end, and it's getting harder and harder to resist it and I'm not sure I can keep on not SI'ing.

 

[ThatLady]

Re: Urges won't stop.

Seeing a doctor would be an excellent idea. There are methods used by plastic surgeons that can reduce the appearance of disfiguring scars. If this one is bothering you, and drawing your attention back to those times when you injured yourself, it may well be that something can be done to improve that situation.

When we get depressed, or start feeling sorta down in the mouth, the old, bad coping mechanisms resurface. That is normal. It happens to all of us. We have to consciously realize what's happening and use positive, reinforcing self-talk to reduce the urge to return to those behaviors that really don't work, but that we relied on in the past.

Seeing your doctor will enable you to find help, I think. It's certainly worth the effort since you've come so far! You need to recognize the good work you've done, congratulate yourself for doing that hard work, and put into motion steps to minimize the chance of backsliding.

Best of luck to you, and please share with us the bumps along the road. We'll do all we can to help.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I don't want to cause any kind of fuss or undue hurt to anyone, I'm not worth that.

You're worthy. You have great value. Maybe you don't believe it, but you do.

So, I wondered, does anyone have any suggestions as to how i could get it to at least turn into a normal scar rather than a big red thick line on the underside of my arm. I was thinking of going to see a doctor about it, I'm especially concerned because it's directly over the vein and I'm positive it's something to do with that, and a few other things that happened during the period that i SI'd. I just don't see the point in stopping SI so that no one would know I did it, when theres clear evidence constantly staring you in the face, and if I SI'd nothing would actually change; I'd be living life same way as I am now, hiding it and at the same time not having to fight the urge every single day while fighting other things at the same time. I just feel like I've run myself down to the end, and it's getting harder and harder to resist it and I'm not sure I can keep on not SI'ing.

I agree with ThatLady about seeing a doctor about the scars and maybe also someone to talk to about the urges and ways to fight them and deal with what is causing them. I think self injury is a symptom of a deeper issue, but I also think it becomes a problem in itself because of what you described. You get to a point where you wonder does it matter if there is one more scar or not? And it does matter because you matter and you don't deserve this pain and inflicting it on yourself. It affects your self esteem greatly, causes you to feel even worse about yourself and just goes around and around in a cycle.

So I would highly suggest seeing a doctor about it and finding someone to talk to as well. I think it's hard to overcome, but it can be done. I'm working on it too.