Walking away... maturity vs. insincerity

[DentedGhost]

Imagine you're faced with what appears to be a hopelessly poisoned relationship in which you've hurt one another very deeply and you know beyond any doubt, you must walk away from it order to protect your own mental and emotional health from further damage. If in this situation you find that you're unable to walk away, even despite extreme determination to do so -- would this mean that you are truly in love afterall, and wholely defeated by the world's strongest force? Or would your inability to let go, realistically indicate personal weakness and a lack of the necessary maturity required to do what's best for yourself?

Same scenario, but now say you are in fact able to walk away from the relationship and leave it behind in order to protect yourself. Does this mean you are a true adult, that you're a person of greater maturity and strength who is able to rise above your feelings and emotions in order to responsibly do what's best for you? Or might it indicate instead that you're incapable of experiencing enough depth of feeling for someone that you'd be able to remain steadfast and loyal through the storms and difficult periods of a relationship...?

 

[Lana]

There are so many extremes in this question that I feel like I'm riding a roller coaster when trying to figure it out.

I think given the questioning, "hopelessly poisoned relationship" doesn't sound so hopeless after all. It seems to me that this line of questioning is looking to (a) justify leaving or (b) justify staying. Each question holds, what I feel, a judgment of possible decision.

Fact of the matter is: there are no definitive rules when it comes to relationships. It comes down to what works (or doesn't work) for parties involved. For some, the decision to end things is the right one. For others, decision to work things out is the right one. It is very subjective on many factors including persons asking and answering these questions.

With respect to love...I think, and some may disagree, that you can love someone that you can't be with. Love doesn't have to end, nor does it have to be present. Love and committment to stay or leave a realtionships are all different elements.

 

[Halo]

With respect to love...I think, and some may disagree, that you can love someone that you can't be with.

:agree:

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, Schopenhauer makes the point that people who try to stick together even though they aren't very compatbile are doing this (often unconsciously) because, he argues, love is ultimately about having children and not about personal happiness:

Schopenhauer on Love - Philosophy: A Guide to Happiness

OTOH, Schopenhauer was obviously very pessimistic.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

BTW, Schopenhauer makes the point that people who try to stick together even though they aren't very compatbile are doing this (often unconsciously) because, he argues, love is ultimately about having children and not about personal happiness

With all due respect to Schopenhauer, that's nonsense.

OTOH, Schopenhauer was obviously very pessimistic.

And also obviously had never really experienced love.

 

[Retired]

faced with what appears to be a hopelessly poisoned relationship in which you've hurt one another very deeply and you know beyond any doubt, you must walk away from it order to protect your own mental and emotional health from further damage.

If after truly sincere attempts to reconcile and to re establish a loving, sharing, mutually supportive partnership, the quality of life threatens one's mental and emotional well being, it seems to me the only sensible, mature and yes adult option, is to terminate the relationship.

A loving relationship does not include making the other partner feel inferior by hurting emotionally or physically.

If one feels unable to detach oneself from such a relationship. they would be well advised to seek professional help to understand why they feel drawn to abuse.

This question appears to have two issues needing to be resolved.

 

[Daniel E.]

It may help to look at case studies. Some excertps from the Oprah article "Stay or Go":

Going:
- "George moved out, and Alexis was on her own. That's when she realized she'd been on her own for years."
- "I had finally found the courage to leap."

Staying:
- "We love each other too much to let minor blowups tear us apart."
- "We have disagreements that leave me frustrated—but I feel passionate about him. That's the big difference."

 

[charlie42]

I love my wife very very much... I was hoping to get beyond her 4 year average... well - we made 3? - It was her 5th - my 2nd... She has already slept with another guy... me not.

So it was either more be giving her more emotional baggage to deal with even though I am going through counseling or call it quits... I think she made her decision long before I had even thought about it. I came home from counseling or work one day and she had already started boxing things up for moving.

Its been 5 months - divorce still isnt final - house isnt sold because of the market - we're taking about a 25k loss on it and it will go through foreclosure because she cant afford it on her own... unless she buys with her boyfriend.

Its getting bitter because she doesnot understand the laws of the state and premarital assets and how they work with a marriage.

I believe the mature thing to do is walk away. I am going through counseling and group anger management. It would be of her benefit to go through counseling as well. I had wanted to move back into the house a month after moving out. She said I had not changed. She declined me to move back in. She said she couldnt trust me. Fine - that is what she believes. I tried to fight for the marriage - she wouldnt budge. Its both of our loss.