What am I?

[Cscotty]

Hi, I'm 16. A guy even. Now that I've started off on a vague note, let me tell you something more. I used to read a lot, when I was a kid. So I got smart. My parents both were top of the class (HS and College). Mother was even valedictorian. My brother was a track star, all A's of course. He's had a bumpy time in college, but it'll work out. I still love him to death. I was always taller so we managed to be best friends.

Anyways, someone called me attention seeking the other day, and I think I know why, but I also don't. I like to wear odd clothing, ask odd questions, and be an odd person. All of course is humor oriented (typically at myself). I look up analysis of attention seekers, and the problem I had was that, yes I had some of those qualities from various titles....but the ones I had directly contradicted the other possibilities. None of them even mentioned humor. If anything I like the challenge of surviving in an environment where I am the target. So either I am another category "freak of freaks," or I am none, and am something else.

The specific example I'm referring to, being called an attention seeker, occurred because I wore my ankle low jean shorts, 3D glasses, and sandals. One might automatically infer that I'm dressing to express individuality, and to some extent, yes. But you have to understand the focus is humor. I'm the kind of person who comes in everyday with a story, 'a fun fact' to the jocks that somehow, an oddity like me, befriended. I speak my mind. Sometimes manipulate my words with the intention of getting made fun of. Of course, the cheer leading squad, many who are in my honors English class, hate me. I don't mind that, I just want to show where I stand socially.

Another thing that I am a firm believer in, is fighting the aristocracies. If anything my greatest hobby is to disrupt the social change. My friend got sexually assaulted a couple months ago, a monster from the grade below, and ever since I have hated these hypocrisies within the aristocracies. I fought with the boy, his main argument being that "I don't have the social right" to even look, never mind speak, with him. An idiot. I love the quotes "I see life through my own eyes, not yours." "Fight the establishment of those who fight the establishment." So, I'm terribly confused, in some sense, where this all puts me.

Note: Like anyone (I feel I'll get rebuked for this assuming this), I have suicidal thoughts. Almost daily. Probably should get that checked out (therapist two years ago....did not work out. Had to fake my way through. I didn't want to disappoint parents [not that big of an issue anymore, that is, disappointing parents]). Which leaves drastic humor as my only escape.

Note2: I won the state science fair. I hate feeling like I'm gloating. But there's not really an easy way to say that. I have Average B grades with maybe 3 A's in 7 classes. Academically I want to earn the world, but school is not my best thing. Stress is fun. but even during the summer I get suicidal. Fun.

Note3 (too many notes?): I hate being corrected. Which is stupid to say because I'm here haha. I don't even know what anyone's suggestion or conclusion will be, but I know my first instinct is to fight it, to escape feeling generalized. Which I hate saying about myself, because I want to fight that statement I made for placing/categorizing me. Lovely.

Note4(Last one, I promise!): I'm a christian. Has had a large impact on me. Mainly leaves me feeling guilty 24/7 for being a reckless hormonal teenager, with only the vague hope of one day achieving an out of reach grasp at perfection. If anything the definition of christian should be broken, right?

So....Where does all of this leave me?

 

[Andy]

Welcome to Psychlinks Cscotty.

What are you? You are an individual.

I'm an old fart but I can relate to what you hav written a little bit anyway.

From your one example of why you were called antention seeking, personally I wouldn't worry about that. To me it sounds like your just having fun. Doing things that don't harm others, for shock value or for a laugh isn't bad.
I use to, well I still do actually, say and do things just to make people laugh or to make them go "wtf?". I use to challenge people too, and still speak my mind even though it gets me no where.
I think all that matters, especially in highschool is that you are okay with yourself. Don't over think what you currently believe in, your 16 your still finding yourself and will be for a long time yet!

Notes 1,2,3and 4.

I agree with you, everyone at some time or other or regularly IMO has or has had suicidal thoughts.
It's whether they stay thoughts or turn into plans that I would say not everyone goes on to make plans.
You say you have daily suicidal thoughts and at 16 that's not good. Do you have "plans?" If so I do have to siggest you call a local crisis line or find someone to talk too.
Can I suggest that you give therapy another try? A good honest try. Why did you have to "fake" your way through that?
Humour only works for so long. Then people just stop taking you seriously. Of course never lose your humour. Your only 16. Wouldn't it be great to deal with all this now instead of hoping things get better but ending up suffering for years to come. Then when you get out of highschool you will have a better head start, feeling more confident in who you are and being able to love life instead of hate it.

I have good old Catholic guilt STILL. lol I don't know what to tell you about that, try to learn to know what in your heart is reasonable when it comes to feeling guilty? Yes that's a question. lol

I don't know, I think you sound like a very interesting, funny guy! lol And not because I relat to you.

I doubt any of this helped. I do hope you do something about those suicidal thoughts though.

 

[Cscotty]

I really like that, Ty. As I said before, I hate being categorized, and that really was a perfect 'balls to psychology textbooks' analysis. The big problem I have with suicidal thoughts is that there's never anyone to go to. The church started in my living room and has grown to 300+ people (Which is a lot in rural New England). That puts me in the position of the kid who's suppose to be strong, all the time. To the point where elder's stop asking me how I'm doing (not that I'm selfish it just gets difficult and lonely sometimes...) and request that I be the rock for another person. I can only fake that up to the extent when I can't answer their questions that are the same as I ask.

As far as 'plans?' Yea. It gets dangerously close a lot of times to seriously considering them. My parents and I don't really connect other than mild humor or them harassing me about school and how an '83 in Algebra 2 H will land me in the street and they don't want to see that happen' despite all my other grades are healthily above 85 and 93. And my brother as well as my mother are both going through counseling at the moment, and the last 'fight' I had with my dad he stated "Does everyone need to go through therapy?" It kind of demeaned the whole idea of bringing out the topic, even though I hadn't suggested it (Also, I'm concerned about the financial abilities of this family and I don't want to put any more strain on it).

The last therapist wasn't a christian, so it was brutally difficult to connect. When the image of God and Christ are ingrained into you from the smallest age... It's hard to shake. And what makes it difficult is I actually want to be a good christian haha. And it's on that personal, solo, fight for an intimate relationship with Christ that I stumble and trip. I just want to feel free, ya know?

 

[Andy]

Hi Cscotty,

Good to see you back!

Are you sure that everyone expects you to be strong all the time? Could it be that you give off the impression that you are doing fine so well that a lot of people just assume you are. That is very frustrating having to be the rock for others when you yourself can not cope. I understand that completely.
Do you feel like you could go to any of the elders to talk to them or even just tell them that you can't be someones rock right now as you need your own?
I think it's very commendable that you do try to help others despite your own feelings.

So do you feel like you have to hold back on therapy to prove to your father that not everyone in the family needs therapy, your strong etc? If so maybe you could look at it a different way, your strong therefore you are going to get therapy. It takes a lot of guts to walk into a room with a stranger and talk about things personal to you, right? Maybe you could take your dad along with you? lol I kid.
You really don't need to be dealing with those negative thoughts on your own.

I am sure you can find a therapist who shares your beliefs. Maybe someone in your church knows of someone. I don't know how open you are to asking about any of this to your parents or any of your elders.
Do you have a youth group or anything like that at your church that you could join or would want to join?

Personally I think any persons spiritual journey is their own and it's a life long journey. It will take a long time to build up that relationship that your seeking, it's something for you to discover on a daily basis. I have no doubt your a good christian Cscotty. It appears your pretty good at Algebra as well. BTW I don't live on the street and my marks were just a tad lower than yours:facepalm: a tad.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Well, here's a thought Cscotty...

You know how you are expected to frequently "be the rock" for someone else? Well, if this is expected of you, perhaps you need to be brave and tell these elders, "Look, I'm sorry. I want to help. I really do. But I have a lot I am going through right now, too. So I need help from my Elders (or my parents). Is there anyway, I could limit the amount of time I am expected to help others? Hey, I'm 16. I'm not a bad guy. I'm being honest with you. I wouldn't ask for help if I didn't need it. You know me well, and you know I really believe in what I do and want to put my whole soul and self into this. If there is no one for me to talk to about my problems here, in my own backyard, I gotta go outside looking for help. Is there anyway instead of doing unlimited amounts of counseling others, could you limit it to one person a day? Also I need at least one or two days off, like a weekend. Even adults need that or they burn out. Can you give me that consideration?"

The other thing is, you could say, "Yeah, sorry I can't talk to so-and-so about his troubles right now, as I have scheduled an appointment with someone else." And you know who that person is?

YOU! 8)

It's not lying. Even God took a break on the last day of the week. C'mon! So you know, instead of listening to what someone else's troubles are, this scheduled time for you is where you sit yourself down and ask and pray for guidance. Or use that time to make a few phone calls to see if you can track down some therapists who have a strong faith, because there are some out there...

"Seek and ye shall find," right? 8)

If someone doesn't like that you are doing something for yourself, and claims you are being selfish, well tell them, yeah. It is good to take care of the old temple (body/mind/spirit) once in a while so it doesn't get run down. Tell them you would feel like a hypocrite if you kept telling someone they should take better care of themselves and then you don't follow your own advice... lol What's that thingee say in the Bible (I'm a bit rusty)... If they try to have a war of Bible Quotes hit them with Matthew 7:5: Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

Don't worry, I don't think you are a hypocrite, I'm just saying you sound like everyone expects things from you. If you don't put your foot down now, you're gonna be burnt out with an ulcer and a nervous tic by the time you're 18.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hey there, Cscotty... How are things? Are they a little better for you? Anything new?

 

[Cscotty]

Nope. Life's still crazy. SAT prep courses getting a job dealing with girls to suicidal thoughts. Fun fun fun? Been busy I suppose. Sleep schedule is very odd. Analysis paralysis keeps me up to strange times like 4 am and then when I can technically sleep till 12 I wake up at 5 am or at best 8 am. Think I need psychiatric help at this point, don't know where to get it or how to ask my parents. Fun fun fun.

 

[Daniel E.]

Think I need psychiatric help at this point, don't know where to get it or how to ask my parents.

Remember, it's your parent's responsibility to help you with this. It's not like you are just asking them for a favor.

One way to broach the topic is by telling your mom or dad that you want to see a therapist or your doctor.

 

[Retired]

You've stated your parents are welll educated people, so they should be understanding people. The best approach in getting the help you need, is to directly let your parents know this is what you would like.

You might say something like, "I've been feeling stressed lately and having difficulty with mood; in fact I have been having suicidal thoughts and would like to be seen by a doctor, perhaps a specialist".

If you have a family physician, you could make an appointment there to begin with, or if you have a pediatrician who has been following you, that might be another option. In order to be seen by a psychiatrist, you would need a referral from your family doctor or pediatrician in most cases, but that may vary oin your particular area.

Other options might be if there is a student health service at your school where you could be seen, or at a public mental health clinic or even a clinic at a childrens' hospital if one exists in your area.

Is there any reason to think your parents would not be supportive and expedite making an appointment for you with your family doctor?

 

[Daniel E.]

Also, I'm concerned about the financial abilities of this family and I don't want to put any more strain on it

Therapy tends to pay for itself in multiples. I lost over $20,000 from one scholarship when I was a freshman in college because of dropping out due to depression.

Anyway, it seems at least your mom would be understanding and supportive.

 

[Daniel E.]

Also, I'm concerned about the financial abilities of this family and I don't want to put any more strain on it

Regarding the myth that therapy is inherently expensive:

You don’t have to always pay top dollar for expert help.

“Many universities and colleges with mental health programs are associated with clinics where their students train -- and don’t get paid for their time,” Berman says.

In order to be licensed, she says, the students have to do a minimum of 3,000 clinic hours under supervision. So it’s like getting two for the price of one, except it’s low-cost (or free) in some cases.

“They’re being graded and judged on how they treat you, and a licensed professional is guiding them in the background,” Berman says. “So the care you are getting is actually very good.”

Health insurance companies also provide some mental health coverage, but whether a therapist takes insurance varies. If they don’t, many offer sliding fee scales based on income for people who need help but can’t afford it.

“Most therapists are do-gooders,” Berman says. “They want to help people, so if someone needs care but can’t afford it, you can usually negotiate a fair fee.”

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-and-therapists/27005-top-7-therapy-myths-debunked.html