What is it about me that is repelling people? (especially women)

[BluMac81]

This thought occured to me today as I was sitting in a college class, it was the last class of the semester... at the start of the semester, everyone in the class was dead silent, didnt talk to eachother, now, everyone's talking to their peers, friends, girlfriend/boyfriends. And yet, I'm still sitting alone, talking to no one... I get there early, and for whatever reason no one ever sits next to me (even though its a crowded class), yeah they may sit 1 or 2 seats away from me, but... OK how exactly do I make friends? Find a girlfriend maybe? It seems to come natural to a lot of people but not for me, I default to silence typically, and yeah I do still have some confidence & self-esteem issues, not as bad as in high school though, I've become more comfortable with myself.

But there's something about me, and I don't know what, that repels people. It could be my appearance, as I'm 6 foot and about 230 pounds, but really, I try to smile at most of the people who ever make eye contact with me, sometimes they do smile back. I really envy them, the friends they are making that will stick with them for a long time, the exciting and intimate relationships going on between man and woman... I haven't been in a relationship for 2 or 3 years. And its not that I haven't been trying, I asked a girl out in English class but she said she is seeing someone... all the other girls I asked in person said they are seeing someone. Am I the only single one out there? Seriously! I went and tried Match.com dates, I went on 3 dates recently, the first said that she's not interested, the second said that she "didn't see us becoming anything more than friends" (after one date, seriously... she knows that?). The third really wasn't a date, I made the mistake of asking her to go out on Saturday, but when Saturday came I just plain forgot about it and she said that "obviously I'm not a priority in your life, if this is a sign of things to come I don't think it will work out".

For real, what do I have to do? Yeah I tend to be quiet, but open up when I get to know a person, but how can I get to know a person if they never give me a chance? I'm always alone and I'm afraid I always will be alone, not just alone as in no girlfriend, but as in no friends. It's gotta be some vibe I'm putting out, I dunno, I be myself as much as I can, I'm open and I have a good sense of humor.

Though I have to say, as of late, I feel no connection to other people. Probably spending so much time alone has made me feel this way. I try to avoid eye contact and conversation like its the plague (with strangers); maybe I should change that? But I'm introverted, that's always been me, do I need to become extraverted to make things happen in my social life? And if so, how do I just up and do that?

Advise?

 

[Andy]

Hmmm, well it's too bad you didn't live here as we are similar in a lot of ways. lol

It's obviously impossible for me to say if your putting off some bad vibe or saying the wrong things. I do know that with myself I can see the difference completely with how people treat me, when I go from just stoned faced and in my own head too smiley and just letting my face and eyes be more soft.
Body language is something that I try to be aware of because before anyone ever talks to you they see you and automatically make up there own ideas until they know different. IMO eye contact is the difference between telling people to leave you alone (no eye contact) and saying Hey, I'm safe to talk too (total eye contact).

I think there is no harm in trying to step out of your box a little bit (trying to be a little more extroverted) but I don't think changing who you are as a person (unless it's negative) is right IMO, behaviours maybe but you are who you are.

Sorry, I don't have any suggestions, as I said we are similar.

As for standing up the girl (on purpose or not), lol that's always a bad idea.

 

[Dragonfly]

OK how exactly do I make friends? Find a girlfriend maybe? .....For real, what do I have to do? Yeah I tend to be quiet, but open up when I get to know a person, but how can I get to know a person if they never give me a chance? ...Advise?

BluMac81 - yeah its tough. Its spring. Lots of energy in the air .... and if you feel like you are on the sidelines, it can be hard. So - you asked for advise .... Here are a couple of suggestions:

- talk to some peers. How do they go about initiating conversations with [girls]? Seriously. After a few laughs about the current pick-up lines, listen carefully. Your peers will be able to help you with not only what to say, but how to go about it. And, while you are at it - have you asked a buddy or two how you are coming across?

- find time to join some activity that you are interested in. Like .... dunno .... bike riding club; hiking; music; church; meetup.com group ..... it really doesn't matter. What matters is that you are interested in the activity that you pick. At worst, it is a way to practice basic social skills (which most of us could stand to improve) and learn / do something that you are interested in. At best, you are going to find some people (? girls) who share the same interest as you. It will take some of the pressure off.

- try to relax .... I know its hard. But there is nothing more ... off-putting that the vibes of someone who is desparately trying to meet someone for a "relationship". And, based on conventional wisdom, it isn't going to happen while you are looking for it.

- re: dating sites. Yes. It is entirely possible to know after a single date - or even a couple emails that someone isn't right. I am wondering how discriminating you are? .... Because really, BluMac81, it may be that you have met a bunch of people who just aren't right for you. If you are going to explore dating sites, consider sending out lots of emails - to mitigate the potential hurt feelings when people don't respond.

- Look as it all as practice.

Good luck. Please let me / us know how it works out.

 

[markvp]

Dragonfly's advice of joining a club is what helped me find friends. And it's best if you join something where people meet in small groups, say up to 10 to 15 people, so you'll automatically make contact, otherwise it may be the same situation as in college (in college we were with about 15 so I got to know everyone well soon, so it is the size of the group that counts).

I think your size and weight have nothing to do with it. Tall people tend to be more likable, actually.

About women, my best advice is to ask them a second time, one to six months later. I've known women who felt bad after rejecting me, and were eager to say yes the second time. But I stop after the second time, stalking won't help. If they said the first time they have a boyfriend, the second time you could ask them first how their boyfriend is doing, so you know if they're still with him.

 

[locrian]

Hi,

Here's a suggestion for next semester. Instead of waiting for someone to sit next to you, let yourself be the one to sit next to someone else. And as you're sitting down, make eye contact at smile at them with a friendly hello. Students often make friends and form cliques in the first few weeks of the semester, so try it sooner rather than later.

Also, start out with conversation on neutral topics. Don't ask anything too personal - let the other person volunteer anything personal that they want to tell you. You can joke about how expensive college textbooks are (and they are!).

If you're taking any electives, hopefully you chose classes that you are really interested in (art history, Italian cinema, music appreciation, whatever floats your boat). If you have a genuine interest or passion in the subject matter, see if you can convey that to other students. (Unfortunately, so many students are bored and apathetic in classes that they spend a lot of money on. At least that was my experience at Rutgers University in New Jersey.)

As far as dating goes, "ask not what a girlfriend can do for you, but what you can do for a girlfriend" (to roughly paraphrase JFK). Focus on what you have to offer in a relationship. Are you a good cook? Can you make her a nice dinner? Are you a film buff? Can you introduce her to Indie films? This also applies to friendships. What do you have to offer? What can you give of yourself?

 

[Daniel E.]

Also, there are a lot of articles at PsychologyToday about dating, including the pros and cons of online dating:

psychologytoday.com - Google Search