What is your opinion?

[defect]

A copy and paste - My quick version is a history of major depression and anxiety since childhood, episodes of cutting, a messy decade of excessive drug abuse and eventual meth addiction that ended 5 years, 8 months and 18 days ago. I have had sleep issues since I was a child and was diagnosed with narcolepsy last year. I was also molested by a much older cousin from when I was 3, until about 6 years old.

I am an only child, and my parents split up when I was 9. Not everyone in my extended family, cousins, aunts, uncles, knows about my cousin molesting me. The ones that do cannot understand why I don't "just get over it" so that I can be a part of the family. Last year, his (the cousin) mom who is my mother's sister, told me that she and my uncle have never spoken to this cousin about this since I told them it was happening all those years ago. I also got the sense that she wasn't sure that anything had even happened. I'm told his life has been no cup of tea either.

Anyway, there is supposed to be a huge family reunion next summer, and truthfully, I would like to go. I have a better appreciation for family in general, and accept that people are not perfect. However, the thought of my cousin being there makes me physically ill. And he would be. Again, my mom and her sisters are all ooo's and aah's with their whiny disappointed sentiments on how I will be letting everyone down. Makes me want to shake them a little.

What I want your opinions on, is should I just suck it up and go? My family has not been understanding or supportive since this happened in the first place, so that's not going to change any time soon, but I wonder if that is the icing on the cake that makes the thought of going even more nauseating. There are going to be so many other family members there that are not a part of the secrecy and bull, and I don't think it's fair that I should deny myself of reconnecting with other parts of my family.

I don't know. I have always absolutely refused the situations where I might be subjected to him, but at the same time I am missing out on relationships with everyone else. Other than me, the rest of my family thinks I am always ridiculous by not going to family stuff or being involved with them, so I am not sure if I am just too sensitive or stubborn or what. I've never asked what other survivors thought about it, but I am asking now.

I should also point out that I have forgiven my cousin for what he did, he was only a child too, he's 9 years older than me, and we both had seriously irresponsible parents. That, however, does not mean I want to be anywhere near him. Mind you, he probably feels the same.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts you may have, and please be as brutally honest as possible.

 

[Marcel]

Hi defect - my situation is somewhat similar. I do not think I have reached the point of forgiveness however, but I am familiar with the "just get over it" attitude from other family members. For myself, I have chosen to avoid all family gatherings be they holidays, birthdays or just random family get togethers. But as you noted above, making that choice denies you any interaction with the family members you *do* want contact with.

I don't think you need to "suck it up" - I think you can just go as "you". Just because you attend the event does not mean you agree with your family - it just means you are attending an event to visit with people you want to see. You do not need to "make nice" with your cousin - a simple "hello" and "excuse me" as you continue on your way (to talk to someone else, to the restroom, to the food table etc. - wherever you need to head to remove yourself from the area) is all that I would feel is required. And, if you find you are not enjoying yourself in general (if it is too uncomfortable or overwhelming for any reason), you can always quietly make an exit. And you may even want to make arrangements to have breakfast/brunch the next day with the relatives you do want to spend more time with - as you excuse yourself because you are feeling under the weather etc.

I suspect your cousin will not want to make any sort of a "scene" and may feel uncomfortable about your past history as well and will want to stay clear of you in any case (as you mentioned). And it does sound like a large event so maintaining your distance shouldn't be a problem.

I would say "go for it" if there are more people who will be there that you want to see, than people you want to avoid. But don't feel obligated to stay if you get there and it isn't a positive environment/experience for you. If you don't try going to an event, you will never know if you can enjoy them and you will keep missing out on precious time with your family.

 

[defect]

Thanks Buffy55, that sounds do-able.

 

[busybee]

At the end of the day, you have to be very clear in your mind and heart before putting yourself in this situation. Set boundaries and make them known to the family and friends who will support you. Build strategies or have coping strategies to deal with any issues. Ensure you have the ability to leave at any time if you become overwhelmed. i.e Use your own vehicle dont rely on others to be the designated driver. In my work, I have a lot to do with multiple families with challenging dynamics. Dont buy into the sentimentality of your mother and aunt, where the guilt is laid at your door that they want the whole family there in one place. There are probably many other family members there who are there out of duty, guilt and the old saying 'you can pick your friends ... but not your family' holds for many families. Be safe and choose your destiny... because that is what you WANT to do... :2cents:

 

[defect]

Thanks busybee, I am still quite doubtful that I would be able to successfully carry out any strategies I might need to put into place if I need them. I will look into the possibilities and get clear resolutions before I make a decision, instead of going blindly with the notion that I'll be fine no matter what. It's that kind of avoidance that has kept me untrue to my self.
thanks again

 

[rdw]

Would it be possible to speak with your cousin before the reunion? That may reduce your anxiety about the event itself and maybe give you an opportunity to heal or have a voice before the stresses of a big family event. Also is it possible to attend your reunion for fewer days - go for two days instead of the enitre time as an example.

 

[defect]

Hi RDW - I have not spoken to this cousin since this happened. Also, his parents never spoke to him about the situation beyond that day, so I have no idea if he has buried it all in his mind. That's sort of the whole thing, I don't want to find myself in a situation where I have to communicate with him at all.
As for shortening my stay, I am unsure of the possibility for that. I would have to fly to attend it, and would likely not have a vehicle at my disposal. I am trying to think of people who might want to leave early, or have a vehicle for me to use. I'll see what's possible before making any plans. In the past when get-togethers have come up and my attendance was requested, I have asked about possible plan changes I might need, but people seem to think of this as rocking the boat, or just plain inconvenient. It's been a seriously long time since I have seen many family members now though, so maybe somebody would be more willing to accommodate. If so, I'll seriously soul search about going. As it stands now, my heart still says no, but I would like to be able to go.

 

[defect]

Very delayed update... I never did end up going to that family reunion.
Since then, I've moved into a nice home in a new town with my mom and aunt, and it's been really quite wonderful. A few family members have also moved much much closer and I've been able to reconnect with them, so that's been great. Recently, the cousin who repeatedly molested me as a toddler, whom I've avoided my whole life was in town and called the house to see about coming for a visit. My mother answered. He said, "I haven't seen either of you in decades" and my mom, not thinking, said it was okay to come over for a short visit. She then came to my room and told me that he was on his way over. I lost it. I had a complete meltdown, I was hysterical. I suddenly felt like I was 3 years old again and was once again not safe in my own home. My mom immediately called him back and canceled, and proceeded to have a pity party of sulking for several days about how horrible she felt that she did that. I love my mother very very much but I'm not blind to her shortcomings, nor do I love her less for them. She never did ask how I felt about the whole situation, and to assess myself, I'm still having some difficulty with it. I'm surprised at my reaction and surprised how raw my emotions STILL are after over 30 years.
Today, my mom heard news that this same cousin might be moving to the same area I and several family members now live. I don't know what to feel, I know I'm not at all comfortable with the possibility of seeing him, and I want to make that known very clearly. I'm not sure what he was thinking when he suggested the visit a few weeks ago, but I do not want him to set foot in my house and my mother knows that now. I do see the potential for running into him via family gatherings if he does indeed move here, and I really don't know who to talk to about this or even what I would or should say.
The effect this person has had on my life has done more than enough damage to my soul and my self, I cannot idly stand by and be caught off guard if by chance I end up face to face with him, and have to utter words or if he were to try to exchange pleasantries or something. I don't want to feel anxious out of my mind for something that might not happen, or at least could be avoided somehow.
My mom isn't a great source of support, to try talking to her or ask her advice she always turns it into a guilt stricken "I am a terrible mother" situation. I've had enough of trying to make everyone else (my mother, his mother) feel better about their failures, I need your advice or suggestions on how to tactfully insist that my family give a flying crap about me and how I feel about this all, and how to insist that under no uncertain terms do I want to be in the presence of this person. This is so difficult because not all of the family knows about what happened.
I feel instantly paralyzed by fear of something that might not even happen, and it's not right. I know I'm responsible for my reaction to this all at this point, but I sincerely need some rational perspectives on how to handle potential situations or prevent interactions from even happening at all.
I thank you very kindly in advance for any thoughts you all might have on this. Cheers.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi defect just my thoughts ok you cannot keep running from this person who has NO control over you now ok. If you have a therapist perhaps get some help into with the fact you might come in contact with him and what you would do or say.

I am not a good one to give advice on this really but i feel that your mother or the family cannot protect you ok it is YOU that need to do that. YOU can perhaps with your therapist find a way to make it clear to this cousin that you want no contact with him. If you feel for your safety still you can get a restraining order against him so he is not allowed to get anywhere near where you are.

 

[defect]

Hi forgetmenot, thank you for your response. I should have made it clear that I don't feel concerned for my physical safety in this matter, I just simply don't want to share the same space, ever. I'm not even sure if that's a reasonable request, or if I just have to go back to avoiding all family. I wish I didn't feel this way at all.

 

[Darkside]

A copy and paste - My quick version is a history of major depression and anxiety since childhood, episodes of cutting, a messy decade of excessive drug abuse and eventual meth addiction that ended 5 years, 8 months and 18 days ago. I have had sleep issues since I was a child and was diagnosed with narcolepsy last year. I was also molested by a much older cousin from when I was 3, until about 6 years old.

I am an only child, and my parents split up when I was 9. Not everyone in my extended family, cousins, aunts, uncles, knows about my cousin molesting me. The ones that do cannot understand why I don't "just get over it" so that I can be a part of the family. Last year, his (the cousin) mom who is my mother's sister, told me that she and my uncle have never spoken to this cousin about this since I told them it was happening all those years ago. I also got the sense that she wasn't sure that anything had even happened. I'm told his life has been no cup of tea either.

Anyway, there is supposed to be a huge family reunion next summer, and truthfully, I would like to go. I have a better appreciation for family in general, and accept that people are not perfect. However, the thought of my cousin being there makes me physically ill. And he would be. Again, my mom and her sisters are all ooo's and aah's with their whiny disappointed sentiments on how I will be letting everyone down. Makes me want to shake them a little.

What I want your opinions on, is should I just suck it up and go? My family has not been understanding or supportive since this happened in the first place, so that's not going to change any time soon, but I wonder if that is the icing on the cake that makes the thought of going even more nauseating. There are going to be so many other family members there that are not a part of the secrecy and bull, and I don't think it's fair that I should deny myself of reconnecting with other parts of my family.

I don't know. I have always absolutely refused the situations where I might be subjected to him, but at the same time I am missing out on relationships with everyone else. Other than me, the rest of my family thinks I am always ridiculous by not going to family stuff or being involved with them, so I am not sure if I am just too sensitive or stubborn or what. I've never asked what other survivors thought about it, but I am asking now.

I should also point out that I have forgiven my cousin for what he did, he was only a child too, he's 9 years older than me, and we both had seriously irresponsible parents. That, however, does not mean I want to be anywhere near him. Mind you, he probably feels the same.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts you may have, and please be as brutally honest as possible.

Uggh ... I don't envy you and this situation. From what I have read this happens a lot where there is a molester in a family. By that I mean that other family members want you to put it behind you for the sake of the family. However, chances are that this person has done this since he did it to you, and it just hasn't been discovered yet ... or the person hasn't come forward. Eventually, another victim will step forward. (not always, but most of the time)

Abusers have kind of control over their victims which last a long time so I can understand how uncomfortable it makes you to attend this reunion. If your family won't take your word for it (mine didn't either) you either have to go along to get along as best you can (but always on your guard when you are around the abuser - this is what I have done) or break off relations with the family and move on.

The third alternative is if another victim comes forward and you are united and confront the abuser right in front of his/her family members forcing them to either accept this has happened and do something about it or to try and bury it by discounting both stories. I wish I had confronted my brother but he ended up in a mental hospital and eventually committed suicide.