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What to do if you are the victim of a manipulative person or personality
Helium
by Renee Soulie
Are you the victim of manipulation?
Oh, are you mad at me? I didn't mean it. I was just kidding! It is just that I am so sad and no one likes me except you. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have anything in my life.
I didn't mean to forget to pick up your laundry it is just that I was so busy doing something special for you. If you really knew how things were you wouldn't be so mean to me.
And it goes on and on and on And you do and do and do. Do you know that person? You know the one that anytime they step across a line they excuse it by one of those laments? They belittle your other friends until they think they may have gone too far and then they make you feel guilty for thinking they really meant that. Of course they were just kidding.
Do you find yourself doing things for them you really don't want to do but somehow if you don't you are the guilty party and they are the injured party. Have you found that they have a tail of woe about everything which somehow leads you to be the one responsible for their life? Do you one day wonder who is this friend'? Do they throw a temper tantrum when you do not do what they want? If you answered yes to those questions you can be assured you are the victim of manipulative behavior. There are questions you can ask yourself if you aren't quite sure. A short list:
Do they:
They were so nice back then. They are always so nice in the beginning. They ingratiate themselves and it seems they have this amazing ability to pick the right target. You won't see them play these games with people they realize will call them on it from the get go. I don't know how they just seem to know who is a perfect target to take control over.
Control is their goal. Do not think that it is anything less than that. Do you feel controlled? If you do you are.
Now how are you dealing with it? Most of us first do the avoidance tactic. We try to avoid them once we realize what is happening. This one really never works out well.
At the moment they detect even the slightest slippage' of their control or get an inkling you are trying to squirm away the guilt trips come fast and furious. "Are you avoiding me?" Of course, most of us don't want to hurt someone's feelings so we deny, deny, deny.
Are you doing that? We all do. It is our first step in getting free. I could go into a long list of the different attempts you will make to get out of this relationship. All of them are some sort of avoiding having to actually call the person on their behavior.
And they have conditioned us to do exactly that. They have thrown so many sad tales at us and guilt trips and have basically made us feel responsible for their bad behavior that we are afraid to do what we know is best for us. Keep in mind they have one goal; it is to control you. And they are doing it quite well. You haven't called them on their behavior yet have you?
Until you decide to not be controlled and take a firm stance for your own well being they will continue this manipulative behavior. They will not wake up one morning and be different. Do not hope for that. When they perceive that you are ready to get out of the relationship their lies will get bigger and the real tricks begin. "Without you my life is meaningless." They don't mean it. What they mean is without you being their patsy they have to work on someone else.
So what do you do now? You become honest. You tell them honestly how you feel; you tell them what behavior you will not accept. You suggest they look at their behavior in an honest light. You ask them to ask themselves if any of the above is true. Many of these people we like on some level. If you want to try to maintain a healthy relationship you need to take responsibility for being healthy within the relationship.
This means you do not allow yourself to be controlled or the victim of control. Set your limits with them honestly. Do not be afraid of what their reaction will be. That is how they control you. Be kind, but be honest and firm. Stick to your limits. Respect yourself because they are not and the only way they will is if you put your foot down. The internet can be a wonderful resource.
Use it for help in freeing yourself from the control of a person with manipulative behavior and perhaps to help them see how their behavior is unhealthy for them as well.
Helium
by Renee Soulie
Are you the victim of manipulation?
Oh, are you mad at me? I didn't mean it. I was just kidding! It is just that I am so sad and no one likes me except you. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have anything in my life.
I didn't mean to forget to pick up your laundry it is just that I was so busy doing something special for you. If you really knew how things were you wouldn't be so mean to me.
And it goes on and on and on And you do and do and do. Do you know that person? You know the one that anytime they step across a line they excuse it by one of those laments? They belittle your other friends until they think they may have gone too far and then they make you feel guilty for thinking they really meant that. Of course they were just kidding.
Do you find yourself doing things for them you really don't want to do but somehow if you don't you are the guilty party and they are the injured party. Have you found that they have a tail of woe about everything which somehow leads you to be the one responsible for their life? Do you one day wonder who is this friend'? Do they throw a temper tantrum when you do not do what they want? If you answered yes to those questions you can be assured you are the victim of manipulative behavior. There are questions you can ask yourself if you aren't quite sure. A short list:
Do they:
- Act lost
- Act Hopeless and pathetic
- Act depressed
- Act all confused and befuddled
- Try to become between you and others
- Ridicule others they perceive you might like
- Use guilt trips on you
- Blame others for their problems or bad behavior
- Act Unloved or ignored or forgotten (You want to do something they don't want you to do and this comes up)
- Suck Up to you when they know they have crossed a line
- Constantly promise to change when called on any of their inappropriate behavior (remember the I didn't mean it or the I won't do that again)
- Act hurt or wounded if you express some displeasure (you are the bad guy here they aren't even when you know they are the one that behaved badly)
They were so nice back then. They are always so nice in the beginning. They ingratiate themselves and it seems they have this amazing ability to pick the right target. You won't see them play these games with people they realize will call them on it from the get go. I don't know how they just seem to know who is a perfect target to take control over.
Control is their goal. Do not think that it is anything less than that. Do you feel controlled? If you do you are.
Now how are you dealing with it? Most of us first do the avoidance tactic. We try to avoid them once we realize what is happening. This one really never works out well.
At the moment they detect even the slightest slippage' of their control or get an inkling you are trying to squirm away the guilt trips come fast and furious. "Are you avoiding me?" Of course, most of us don't want to hurt someone's feelings so we deny, deny, deny.
Are you doing that? We all do. It is our first step in getting free. I could go into a long list of the different attempts you will make to get out of this relationship. All of them are some sort of avoiding having to actually call the person on their behavior.
And they have conditioned us to do exactly that. They have thrown so many sad tales at us and guilt trips and have basically made us feel responsible for their bad behavior that we are afraid to do what we know is best for us. Keep in mind they have one goal; it is to control you. And they are doing it quite well. You haven't called them on their behavior yet have you?
Until you decide to not be controlled and take a firm stance for your own well being they will continue this manipulative behavior. They will not wake up one morning and be different. Do not hope for that. When they perceive that you are ready to get out of the relationship their lies will get bigger and the real tricks begin. "Without you my life is meaningless." They don't mean it. What they mean is without you being their patsy they have to work on someone else.
So what do you do now? You become honest. You tell them honestly how you feel; you tell them what behavior you will not accept. You suggest they look at their behavior in an honest light. You ask them to ask themselves if any of the above is true. Many of these people we like on some level. If you want to try to maintain a healthy relationship you need to take responsibility for being healthy within the relationship.
This means you do not allow yourself to be controlled or the victim of control. Set your limits with them honestly. Do not be afraid of what their reaction will be. That is how they control you. Be kind, but be honest and firm. Stick to your limits. Respect yourself because they are not and the only way they will is if you put your foot down. The internet can be a wonderful resource.
Use it for help in freeing yourself from the control of a person with manipulative behavior and perhaps to help them see how their behavior is unhealthy for them as well.
