What to do

[canadian]

Here's my problem. I've been battling depression and severe OCD for over 7 months now on an outpatient basis up until 6 weeks ago when my illness required me to check myself into a hospital. Throughout my illness my wife has been at my side and very supportive up until a couple weeks ago when she vented her frustration on my slow recovery and admitted that she feels a great deal of resentment towards me for what I've put our family through. I understand that the entire process has been difficult on her, but I have asked repeatedly that she attend support groups for family members dealing with mental illness, but she simply says she has no time. I was able to cope with this and still focus on my recovery until last week when she dropped the "bombshell" that she isn't sure if she still loves me and thinks the entire healing process has made me a person that she might not be able to live with.

We've been married 4 years and have a beautiful daughter together and I always thought she was the one and only love of my life. Maybe it was just something that she said in anger, or herself is suffering from depression, but she refuses to talk about the situation at this point.

Sorry to drop such a crappy message, but I'm truly lost and not sure how to approach her after hearing those hurtful, but possible truthful words.

Thanks for any and all help
Mark

 

[Daniel E.]

when she vented her frustration on my slow recovery

and thinks the entire healing process has made me a person that she might not be able to live with.

Can you elaborate on that? Are there things she wants you to do that you are not doing, e.g. housework?

 

[Jazzey]

I'm sorry. That is hard to hear. On other side of that, mental illness is hard - on the patient and everyone around them.

Have you considered couples counseling to help both of you process this? Do you think she would consider that as an option?

 

[canadian]

Can you elaborate on that? Are there things she wants you to do that you are not doing, e.g. housework?

As for the work around the house - I cut the grass, clean the house (majority of the time), have dinner on the table everynight when she gets home. Her frustration comes from the fact that she thought I would be back at work after a couple weeks, not a couple months.

And as for the person I have become - both my doctors and social workers have been working on my confidence and not being such a passive person. Trying to teach me to actually stand up for my rights and not fold everytime. Hope that helps

Post added at 09:26 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:24 PM

I'm sorry. That is hard to hear. On other side of that, mental illness is hard - on the patient and everyone around them.

Have you considered couples counseling to help both of you process this? Do you think she would consider that as an option?

I have researched couples counselling and have a couple options in the area. She says she's willing to try and I guess I can't ask for much more. I just have a bad feeling that it's just going to turn into additional arguments.

 

[Daniel E.]

So your wife feels financially stressed since you are not working?

Are you still in the hospital? If so, are they doing any therapy for your OCD, e.g. exposure therapy?

When you resume outpatient status, will you be seeing a therapist regularly to help increase your level of functioning? (If not, why not?)

When was the last time you were employed? Are you planning on returning to the same employer?

 

[canadian]

So your wife feels financially stressed since you are not working?

Are you still in the hospital? If so, are they doing any therapy for your OCD, e.g. exposure therapy?

When you resume outpatient status, will you be seeing a therapist regularly to help increase your level of functioning? (If not, why not?)

When was the last time you were employed? Are you planning on returning to the same employer?

I'll try my best to answer your questions
r family to live comfortably. Yes I'm still in the hospital and I'm unsure of the duration of my stay and I attend daily therepy sessions dealing with depression and OCD plus I meet with a social worker and doctor on a daily basis.
When I am discharged I will be meeting on a weekly basis with a therapist, my family doctor and attending various outpatient support groups.
The last time I was employed was 7 months ago and I do have that job to return to when I'm cleared to work again

Post added at 09:45 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:44 PM

Thank you everyone for all the suggestions tonight - you have no clue how much it helps to have others to talk to about this

 

[Daniel E.]

Have you talked about this to your therapist in the hospital? Maybe your therapist in the hospital could have a family meeting with you and your wife.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Well, of course it is stressful when a loved one is hospitalized, but I am surprised that your wife isn't more supportive... I hope it is only because she feels a bit worried about finances and not about the length of time you've been hospitalized. I also hope it's because she misses you and just wants you back really badly. It's not like you could choose to come back. It was because you weren't ready to come back. But maybe she doesn't see it that way. She obviously doesn't really seem to know much about mental illness because most people who DO have mental illness understand that you only get better when you get better, and there is no set time.

I just have a bad feeling that it's just going to turn into additional arguments.

Couples therapy might actually be a good thing, even if there are some arguments. A therapist can cut through a lot of things that aren't the real problem and get to the quick of things. And it's nice to have an objective mediator who can keep everyone's emotions in check, even if things do get a little heated.

One thing that comes to mind is that you are being encouraged in therapy to be less passive. If a person is used to you being passive and doing everything they say without an argument, that might be more of an adjustment on their part. I know I used to be very passive and let people push me around and tell me what to do to the point that I almost lost my own identity because I was so enmeshed with someone else (parents, boyfriend, etc)... I have come to learn that being assertive and less passive is actually healthy. It's not that you don't love the person who is used to telling them what to do... But some people who like to be in control don't like to give up the control. It's sort of like if a person is obese and suddenly loses weight and starts to look healthy and have their own life and confidence, somehow that is threatening to some people. Some people don't want their own mate to be healthier because they are afraid their mate will be attracted to someone else or someone else attracted to them, and they'll leave. Do you think any of this might be going on with your wife?

As for my own situation, there were some times my husband couldn't work and there was at least one long period of time I couldn't work either... We did have benefits that covered us for the most part, though. Not sure if this is the case for you or not...

 

[canadian]

Have you talked about this to your therapist in the hospital? Maybe your therapist in the hospital could have a family meeting with you and your wife.

My Therapist has suggested I avoid speaking to her for the time being and reccomended she recieve help herself. When I suggested that to her it didn't go over well to say the least.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hm... Does your therapist have reason to think that your wife is pressuring you to come home before you are ready? Or does he have reason to believe the she wants you to stay the same? Hopefully couples therapy will sort some of this out... It might be nice if while she's sitting with you, that the professional explains that you can't just come home when everyone else thinks you should. It's in your best interests to heal and when your doctors say you can return then you will. Pressuring someone who has guilt, anxiety and OCD issues would be the last thing I would suggest for a patient's speedy recovery.

I have anxiety issues (not OCD) from several things in my life... I am lucky that my husband really supports me. I haven't been hospitalized, but I have had time off work before. My husband has had a long period of physiotherapy as well...

If your wife tries to pressure you to come home, I suggest you tell her you love her and that will never change (in case this is one of her insecurities). Then maybe explain a bit about your condition to her, or have the therapist do so, and if you were to make an analogy, you could have her consider that your recovery is sort of like being hit by a car. A person can't be expected to recover from that in a couple of weeks. There can be weeks of being in a coma, or being semi-conscious attached to feeding and breathing tubes, weeks of knitting bone and tissues, multiple surgeries moving skin or bone from one part of the body to the other, months of physiotherapy, there can be weeks of pain... It can stretch on for months... Sometimes the pain never goes away, and you have to come back periodically for follow-up. Some people have to learn to eat and walk and talk again, but at least you aren't in that condition. Would it be too simplistic to tell her your mind feels like it has been in a car wreck and you're doing physiotherapy for your mind and emotions? lol

 

[making_art]

Hello, Canadian

The suggestion for her to get help may need to be clarified to her. The help she needs is to cope with the stressful situation of having a husband who is ill and in the hospital and all that this entails. Therapists are very good with this. I think attending a family education program would be the best help she could get right now and there are great programs in the Kingston region. She would meet others who are experiencing what she is and get very valuable information - most importantly who has found a good therapist that works with family members in your area.

I have a friend with bipolar who had married and her husband had never seen her ill or knew anything about her illness. Her psychiatrist was very good with therapy ( not many of them are) and allowed the husband to attend appointments with her to ask any questions he had. I don't know if that would be helpful for your situation but thought I would throw that out there.

Here is a link that may be a little helpful and I will try and find more:
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/obsessiv...pouse-and-ocd-three-s-a-crowd.html#post194417