what would YOU do

[boredmum]

I befriended a young girl who joined my company four years ago. We had a great laugh and she and her other girlfriend visited me and we had lots of laughs together. I treated her like a daughter and helped her financially. The first girl, Christine, betrayed me miserably by stealing a LOT of money from my house. The second girl, Jacqueline, called the police but asked me not to get Christine sent to court. I like Jacqueline and said I wouldn't, and I didn't. Obviously this betrayal to me hit Jacqueline really hard. But they overcame it, their friendship was strong I thought. Because of that Jacqueline and I, and her two daughters, became close and because she is a single mum I helped HER financially too. That's OK, she appreciated it. I had suspected for quite a long time that their friendship was more than that. Though I told Jacqueline all my deep dark secrets, she didn't confide in me, I was sorry about that, I thought we trusted each other. Anyway I wrote and asked outright and she told me that yes they were partners. Although I suspected it, it came as a shock, Jacqueline said she was afraid of losing my friendship if she admitted it. I have if Christine is alright with us seeing each other and she says she is, but I suspect she isn't because I know her so well.
Should I let them be and get out of the friendship. I have tried once but Jacqueline said that she would have to explain THEIR relationship to her daughters as they don't know.

Someone out there, what should I do? It is eating me up inside. I don't care about Jacqueline having this relationship, it is because WHO it is and I can't get my head around it.

 

[boredmum]

I befriended a young girl who joined my company four years ago. We had a great laugh and she and her other girlfriend visited me and we had lots of laughs together. I treated her like a daughter and helped her financially. The first girl, Christine, betrayed me miserably by stealing a LOT of money from my house. The second girl, Jacqueline, called the police but asked me not to get Christine sent to court. I like Jacqueline and said I wouldn't, and I didn't. Obviously this betrayal to me hit Jacqueline really hard. But they overcame it, their friendship was strong I thought. Because of that Jacqueline and I, and her two daughters, became close and because she is a single mum I helped HER financially too. That's OK, she appreciated it. I had suspected for quite a long time that their friendship was more than that. Though I told Jacqueline all my deep dark secrets, she didn't confide in me, I was sorry about that, I thought we trusted each other. Anyway I wrote and asked outright and she told me that yes they were partners. Although I suspected it, it came as a shock, Jacqueline said she was afraid of losing my friendship if she admitted it. I have if Christine is alright with us seeing each other and she says she is, but I suspect she isn't because I know her so well.
Should I let them be and get out of the friendship. I have tried once but Jacqueline said that she would have to explain THEIR relationship to her daughters as they don't know.

Someone out there, what should I do? It is eating me up inside. I don't care about Jacqueline having this relationship, it is because WHO it is and I can't get my head around it.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm confused about what exactly you are asking, or perhaps more accurately what it is about the situation that is really bothering you.

If you and Jacqueline are friends, why do you feel that her relationship with anyone else has anything to do with that friendship? Is it that, now that you know about the relationship between Jaqueline and Christine, you distrust Jaqueline? Or that you question how Jaqueline could be in a relationship with someone who has betrayed you and still be a real friend to you?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm confused about what exactly you are asking, or perhaps more accurately what it is about the situation that is really bothering you.

If you and Jacqueline are friends, why do you feel that her relationship with anyone else has anything to do with that friendship? Is it that, now that you know about the relationship between Jaqueline and Christine, you distrust Jaqueline? Or that you question how Jaqueline could be in a relationship with someone who has betrayed you and still be a real friend to you?

 

[boredmum]

Yes, how could Jacqueline be in a relationship with Christine when she knows she has betrayed me utterly? Jacqueline says we should all forget what happened and get on with our lives and not talk about it any more, I find that difficult. Since Jacqueline told me about the relationship I feel OUR relationship has changed a lot. I don't feel easy with her and feel I hardly know her anymore. Maybe it is just me. Should I just carry on and hope this feeling goes away?

 

[boredmum]

Yes, how could Jacqueline be in a relationship with Christine when she knows she has betrayed me utterly? Jacqueline says we should all forget what happened and get on with our lives and not talk about it any more, I find that difficult. Since Jacqueline told me about the relationship I feel OUR relationship has changed a lot. I don't feel easy with her and feel I hardly know her anymore. Maybe it is just me. Should I just carry on and hope this feeling goes away?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

But of course J. has not been betrayed by C. -- you have.

I can like a person, even love a person, without necessarily being crazy about all of that person's friends (or lovers). For example, I have a couple of friends who are in relationships witrh people who I think don't treat them very well at all and partly, but not only, for that reason, I really don't like their partners much. That doesn't affect how I feel about those friends, though. It even applies to my family -- I have some close family members who have friends or partners I'm not crazy about but my relationship is with the family members, not with their friends or partners...

I guess I'm suggesting you try to see if you can focus solely on your relationship with J. and try to "ignore" her relationship with C. if you can. If you value the friendship with J., it would be a shame to let C. hurt you twice, especially since it seems unnecessary to me.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

But of course J. has not been betrayed by C. -- you have.

I can like a person, even love a person, without necessarily being crazy about all of that person's friends (or lovers). For example, I have a couple of friends who are in relationships witrh people who I think don't treat them very well at all and partly, but not only, for that reason, I really don't like their partners much. That doesn't affect how I feel about those friends, though. It even applies to my family -- I have some close family members who have friends or partners I'm not crazy about but my relationship is with the family members, not with their friends or partners...

I guess I'm suggesting you try to see if you can focus solely on your relationship with J. and try to "ignore" her relationship with C. if you can. If you value the friendship with J., it would be a shame to let C. hurt you twice, especially since it seems unnecessary to me.

 

[ThatLady]

Again, Dr. Baxter hit it right on the head, in my opinion. Your relationship with Jacqueline is completely separate from Jacqueline's relationship with Christine. They really have nothing to do with one another. You've chosen not to be friends with Christine, and that's certainly your right. However, that choice should not bleed over into your friendship with Jacqueline. They're not the same person. They're just friends with one another.

 

[ThatLady]

Again, Dr. Baxter hit it right on the head, in my opinion. Your relationship with Jacqueline is completely separate from Jacqueline's relationship with Christine. They really have nothing to do with one another. You've chosen not to be friends with Christine, and that's certainly your right. However, that choice should not bleed over into your friendship with Jacqueline. They're not the same person. They're just friends with one another.

 

[Sarah03fhs]

Hmmm

well I just got into this website and this was the first message I came across.....wow, you really are in a tight squeeze but you know in your heart what you must do. We can only tell you what we think is right but only yourself knows what to do......but if you need some more advice, please don't hesitate to email me...Sarah

 

[Sarah03fhs]

Hmmm

well I just got into this website and this was the first message I came across.....wow, you really are in a tight squeeze but you know in your heart what you must do. We can only tell you what we think is right but only yourself knows what to do......but if you need some more advice, please don't hesitate to email me...Sarah

 

[boredmum]

To Dr Baxter and ThatLady: there is a little more to this. When I say I help Jacqueline financially, it started off just giving bits and bobs like food, cooking for the freezer buying things for her kids. In the beginning I would receive e mails to say how grateful she was etc. etc. now it is a case of getting it and taking off with it. I just feel so much more has changed since she told me they had a relationship.

 

[boredmum]

To Dr Baxter and ThatLady: there is a little more to this. When I say I help Jacqueline financially, it started off just giving bits and bobs like food, cooking for the freezer buying things for her kids. In the beginning I would receive e mails to say how grateful she was etc. etc. now it is a case of getting it and taking off with it. I just feel so much more has changed since she told me they had a relationship.

 

[boredmum]

Boredmum - maybe I am being unreasonable, but I don't think I can go on like this.

 

[boredmum]

Boredmum - maybe I am being unreasonable, but I don't think I can go on like this.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That's a somewhat different issue, boredmum. It sounds like you are wondering if Jacqueline is taking advantage of you in the same way that Christine did.

Sometimes, such feelings are based on anxiety/fear -- worrying that you may have misjudged her the way you misjudged her friend. This may be especially worrisome in this case since Jacqueline apparently "approves" of Christine.

But sometimes such feelings are based on "instinct", "gut feelings", etc., which are often reality-based. If you are feeling this way, maybe it's time to draw back a little from the friendship and see what sort of a reaction if any you get from Jacqueline...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That's a somewhat different issue, boredmum. It sounds like you are wondering if Jacqueline is taking advantage of you in the same way that Christine did.

Sometimes, such feelings are based on anxiety/fear -- worrying that you may have misjudged her the way you misjudged her friend. This may be especially worrisome in this case since Jacqueline apparently "approves" of Christine.

But sometimes such feelings are based on "instinct", "gut feelings", etc., which are often reality-based. If you are feeling this way, maybe it's time to draw back a little from the friendship and see what sort of a reaction if any you get from Jacqueline...

 

[boredmum]

I tried that and even asked if Christine was OK with our friendship, she said she was and wanted us to have our friendship without ever mentioning what went before. Jacqueline seems to forget that I knew Christine for two years before I knew her and in my heart I cannot see Christine liking it and it may cause friction between those two. Strange as it may seem I don't want that to happen, nor to be the cause of it. Jacqueline definitely wants to continue the friendship in this way, though I can never go to her place as Christine is there. It is like treading on eggs....

 

[boredmum]

I tried that and even asked if Christine was OK with our friendship, she said she was and wanted us to have our friendship without ever mentioning what went before. Jacqueline seems to forget that I knew Christine for two years before I knew her and in my heart I cannot see Christine liking it and it may cause friction between those two. Strange as it may seem I don't want that to happen, nor to be the cause of it. Jacqueline definitely wants to continue the friendship in this way, though I can never go to her place as Christine is there. It is like treading on eggs....