What's wrong with me?

[tryin2findtruth]

It seems that I'm going in a never ending circle. The past year has been prettty hard. The thing was I used to be a normal kid, got good grades, had awsome friends,things may not have been perfect but I liked how they were. Then things started going down hill. Well for most of the year I was being abused. Some kid would always harass me by touching me or just saying really innapropriate things. Me, being kind of sheltered, I didn't know how to react, so instead of getting help I let it go on for the whole year.
I couldn't face reality, it ws just too painful. With out knowing it I got into cutting. At that time I never saw it as that. I'd just scratch at me skin with dull pencils(i wanted it to hurt more that way). It never got to the point where it bled though. Me cutting myself didn't last very long then only a few out breaks here and there. I figured I was over it.
School ended for the year and I didn't have to go through any more abuse. You can imagine how thrilled I was. I decided to renew myself during the time we had off from school. By the near end of the summer it seemed that my plan had worked. We were about to start band camp(last 2 weeks of the summer)so I was getting really excited to see all of my friends, especially one in perticular-my best friend. Things were going great, untill the second week. Well long story short some rumors were spread about me and my friened-completely false-and our friendship had come to a complete stop. It hit me really hard. I never knew people to be so cruel that they would make stories up about other people. My entire view on life-people-was diminushed, crushed. I, after it only being a short time after being abused, couldn't handle another blow like this. Suddenly the world began to fall all around me. My "friends" were leaving me from the shear spread of those rumors, everything that I lived for was gone. I had been abandoned like a lost puppy.
Well the school year started back up again. No the abuse didn't continue. But this entire ordeal with my "ex" best frined was playing it's toll. We avioded eachother, stopped speaking, the works. Eventually we "made up" but things still aren't right between him and me.
I'm sad to say that over those months I started cutting. little outbreaks here and there. Even worse it's now to the point that I think I might be addicted to it. It never became a daily ruitine, but I couldn't leave my hands with out something to do-write, draw, hold something, or crack my knuckles- or else I felt tempted to cut. Thankfully I have a marvelous frined now who I've been able to trust. He's helped me with fighting this off. So far it's worked I haven't done anything hurtful to myself in 2 weeks or so. I'm so proud of my accomplishment, but the "craving" to do it again is growing stronger and stronger everyday. I can't concentrate on my school work, if I try then all I can see is my pencil lying so close to me. I feel tempted to use it so badly. The thing that really has me scared is that over Christmas break something horrible happened. I got really depressed and mellow. It's like I went crazy. I started rocking back and forth in the corner of my room, then I statted cutting myself-far worse then it's ever been. But it was like I wasn't doing it, like something was controling me, like I was watching this scene from a top view. Then my body layed on the ground and started shaking vigiously like as seizure-though it wasn't. I was so frightened by that, I didn't want that to happen again, so I stopped also for that reason. I never thought this could happen, but I think I'm addicted and I hate it. I want to be able to say, "I was stronger than that." Do you have any advice?

 

[HA]

Welcome to the site, tryin2findtruth!

I'm sure someone will be along shortly to help you out.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Could you talk about this with your parents or school counselor?

It sounds like you've been through a lot and this is becoming a way of dealing with the stress. I'm not sure about the shaking. These sound like issues that you need to talk to a doctor about.

It definitely doesn't mean you're weak. It's very brave, I think, to talk about all this here.

Welcome.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Before we get to that, can you give me a bit more information?

1. how old are you now? was last year the first time that you'd had any problems even remotely like this? what about previous problems with anxiety, excessive worry, anger, or anything along those lines?

2. re: "for most of the year I was being abused. Some kid would always harass me by touching me or just saying really innapropriate things" -- was this a single person, the same person all the time? can you tell me a bit more about the nature of the harrassment?

3. the incident at band camp: was this related at all or linked at all to the abuse at school?

4. what about your family? do you have any brothers and sisters? what's your relationship like with your parents and/or other family members? do any of them know about what happened at school last year?

5. is there any extended family history you know about of depression, anxiety disorders, OCD, perfectionism, eating disorder, etc.?

6. how is anger and other "negative" emotion communicated in your family? or how do they react when you try to express negative emotions? how do other people in the family express or deal with such feelings?

 

[tryin2findtruth]

Before we get to that, can you give me a bit more information?

1. how old are you now? was last year the first time that you'd had any problems even remotely like this? what about previous problems with anxiety, excessive worry, anger, or anything along those lines?

now i'm 14 year old, well it was the first time i'd had anything this serious, yea i'd had stress, and anger. My parents expect a lot from me-school wise. I have to get top notch grades and if i dont i get a lecture-i get lot's of them. Well there have been other things that have happened before-once my mom threatened to kill herself, she locked herself in her room and shot the gun, but she didn't do it.

 

[tryin2findtruth]

2. re: "for most of the year I was being abused. Some kid would always harass me by touching me or just saying really innapropriate things" -- was this a single person, the same person all the time? can you tell me a bit more about the nature of the harrassment?

yea it was the same guy (one) repeatedly. it was like sexual harrassment but to a higher extent-i'm not so sure how exactly to word it? What i do no for sure is that it left me feeling low. like i was a creature that didn't deserve life. i dont know, i kind of felt, dirty, like i wanted to get out of my skin. i think that's how the cutting started-me wanting out of my skin wanting to tear it off of me.

 

[tryin2findtruth]

3. the incident at band camp: was this related at all or linked at all to the abuse at school?

no, not at all. the thing at b. camp was a rumor that my best friend- a guy- and i did "stuff"-physically-together. it seemed when he stopped talking to me that he hated me that i detested him.

 

[tryin2findtruth]

4. what about your family? do you have any brothers and sisters? what's your relationship like with your parents and/or other family members? do any of them know about what happened at school last year?

i have one sister(older). i guess i could say that my relationship with them is okay. i wouldn't consider myself all that close to them-well at least now any way-,but we get along. i think i told my sister once, but i dont think she was really listening because it was late on night-i think i might have dreampt it i'm not too sure. she doesn't seem to act like she knows about it come to think about it. but other than that my parents have no clue

 

[tryin2findtruth]

5. is there any extended family history you know about of depression, anxiety disorders, OCD, perfectionism, eating disorder, etc.?

yea, on my dad's side of the family there's a lot of depression-my aunts-almost all of them-take anti'depressents. perfectionism...uhh yea. all my aunts are in their 40's, but look 20. i am no where near ever looking like that. i'm a little chubby, but it's average for my age and height. o and most of them have nervous disorder problems.

 

[tryin2findtruth]

6. how is anger and other "negative" emotion communicated in your family? or how do they react when you try to express negative emotions? how do other people in the family express or deal with such feelings?

well in general my parents are strict and old fashioned. i had a friend who cut herself and everyone found out. when my parents heard about it they saw her as a disciplinary problem, so i'll probably never consider telling my parents, they just wouldn't understand. well my mom yells a lot in general-usually for no reason. i'm usually mellow around the house and kind of gloomy, so she gets mad and yells at me. I've grown proned to it, kind of. sometimes i kind of wish i had selective hearing though.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What happens when YOU get angry? How do you usually express it or what do you do with it, and how do your parents and other people react to it?

 

[tryin2findtruth]

Well i usually cut when i got angry, it was the only way I COULD let me anger out, because i just couldn't be angry around my parents, they'd act like there was something wrong with me or like I was the bad person. I couldn't really express my emotions, so i just would cut

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Well i usually cut when i got angry, it was the only way I COULD let me anger out, because i just couldn't be angry around my parents, they'd act like there was something wrong with me or like I was the bad person. I couldn't really express my emotions, so i just would cut

That's what I wondered... and that's your answer, isn't it? to find a different way of expressing strong feelings like anger.

What other activities do you think you might eb able to use? Writing? Poetry? Music? What other ways have worked for you to express your feelings?

 

[lammers1980]

Welcome to the site!

People your age can be very cruel, I know from personal experience. People once started rumours about me that left me an outcast from my peers and would come to haunt me for years. I was around 13 at that time. I definitely was brought back when I heard about that stuff.

Secondly, about the abuse. I would report that to the appropriate athorities. Sexual harrassment (and abuse) should never be tolerated. If it reaches a certain level, law enforcement should be involved. If this happened at school, you should tell the principle, especially if it may still be happening, even if it is not. At this age, you are discovering where you fit in in life and deserve to be safe from such predators.

I think you may find some useful insight in a counselor. It sounds like there are some definite things happening in your life that you should share with a professional.

I don't know if I should even be asking this, but how do you get along with other girls? It seems that all the friends you mention are boys. Do you have any female friends you can relate to?

 

[tryin2findtruth]

What other activities do you think you might be able to use? Writing? Poetry? Music? What other ways have worked for you to express your feelings?

well there's band. i play the clarinet. i'm pretty good for my age actually, since i made all-state band this year.

 

[tryin2findtruth]

Welcome to the site!

People your age can be very cruel, I know from personal experience. People once started rumours about me that left me an outcast from my peers and would come to haunt me for years. I was around 13 at that time. I definitely was brought back when I heard about that stuff.

Secondly, about the abuse. I would report that to the appropriate athorities. Sexual harrassment (and abuse) should never be tolerated. If it reaches a certain level, law enforcement should be involved. If this happened at school, you should tell the principle, especially if it may still be happening, even if it is not. At this age, you are discovering where you fit in in life and deserve to be safe from such predators.

I think you may find some useful insight in a counselor. It sounds like there are some definite things happening in your life that you should share with a professional.

I don't know if I should even be asking this, but how do you get along with other girls? It seems that all the friends you mention are boys. Do you have any female friends you can relate to?

I don't think i really want to or that i can bring myself to telling. i really wish i could just forget about it. but i'm not too sure that that's the right was to handle it.
I'd really lovea counselor, but I don't know where i could find one. I dont thinki can-also-bring myself to telling my parents, so how do i see a counselor woithout them knowing?
Yes I have many female friends. most of them are, there were jsut those two guys. well i kind of have it mixed, but it's pretty even.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

When you are feeling sad, frustrated, depressed, nervous, annoyed, etc., have you ever tried expressing that in your music?

I started learning to play guitar when I was perhaps 10 or 11. During my early teens, I started writing songs to express things I was struggling with (and yes, at first they were pretty bad but that didn't matter as long as they helped me to express myself). I've often said that I don't know how I would have made it through adoilescence without my music.

 

[tryin2findtruth]

well i love playing, but i'm not sure how to exactly express myself with my instrument

 

[Daniel E.]

One simple way, of course, would be just to play more music that you like. There's some free sheet music available on the Internet for clarinet, but I don't know how interesting it is. Your band teacher could obviously help you find interesting sheet music if that's what you wanted. Or you could transpose your favorite songs to sheet music and make your own arrangements/adjustments, which could be a hobby all its own.

 

[tryin2findtruth]

wow, thanks. I love music, but i never really thought about expressing myself in that way