Inevitably, at some point in the beginning of the relationship, I would experience a wave of intense guilt and self-conscious hubris: how dare I think that I'm good enough for this amazing person? She deserves so much better a man than I, and every second that she spends with me means a missed opportunity to meet a truly wonderful man who would make her happier than I could ever hope to do...
So how do we solve this peculiar tragic dilemma? Perhaps we should go back to the source: the negative self-assessment itself. Whether it results from irrational negative thoughts or honest reflection, a negative view of yourself can often be difficult to maintain when someone that you admire admires you back (Elster's observation quoted above notwithstanding ["The lover strives to be recognized by a person whose recognition has worth only when withheld."]). When someone else refuses to give up on you, even if you seem ready to give up on yourself, the other person's affirmation can renew you, make you reassess what you think about yourself, and lead you to see yourself more as the other person sees you.
(This is not to deny that what you think about yourself is more important than what others think about you—but if you're having trouble with the first, the second can give it a boost. The danger, of course, is relying on that other person's assessment of you too much; she can help you dug out of that hole, but if you keep out of it yourself after that, right back you go when her affirmation disappears.)
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