When you want to want to get better...

[Banned]

I apologize in advance if this seems kind of long and rambly..hopefully it'll make sense to someone out there though.

I saw my doctor today for a refill on my meds. I'm currently taking two anitdepressants and a sleep med. I also take pain killers for an unrelated problem and then today she added Zantac for my stomach because I'm taking so many painkillers.

I told her I'm doing ok...the meds are working, not perfectly, but they are working. That's according to my therapist. I told her I probably wouldn't be doing cartwheels until I get on a mood stabilizer. She said a mood stabilizer likely won't help me much, if at all. This kind of surprised me.

I don't have a diagnosis yet - we're working on one. We suspect borderline, bipolar, and maybe a couple of other things...so I'm a little all over the map with my moods, behaviour, and emotions.

I started thinking today...about how I don't feel like I have a choice in my treatment...and that sounds weird. I mean, I do have a choice. I can wake up every day and choose not to take my meds. I can wake up every day and choose not to do therapy. I can wake up every day and choose to give up. But for some reason, I take my meds, do therapy, and keep fighting. But I"m not sure how true to myself my motivations are. I have an amazing therapist and he's doing everything he can to help me. I really, really want to work with him, but I wonder if I'm actually "fixable" on so many levels. So far I'm doing everything I'm doing because he told me to. Not because I know it's what's best for me.

I think I'm a step ahead in my actions (the above actions) but a step behind mentally. By that (and this is where it gets confusing) I mean that I'm currently at the point where I don't want to get better, but I want to want to get better. Does that make sense?

So...I guess I"m wondering if that will come as I'm doing everything else. Will that come through therapy, and that process? Is it possible it'll never happen? I'm doing everything I can, everything my therapist tells me to, I'm fighting with everything I've got, but I still feel stuck...stuck in that I feel like the first step is to want to want to get better...that's what I want, but it's not what's happening.

Is anyone else as confused as I am?

 

[Daniel E.]

So far I'm doing everything I'm doing because he told me to. Not because I know it's what's best for me...

I'm doing everything I can, everything my therapist tells me to, I'm fighting with everything I've got, but I still feel stuck...stuck in that I feel like the first step is to want to want to get better...that's what I want, but it's not what's happening.

In case this is relevant, one method a therapist introduced to me was the "miracle question," which I later discovered was part of a solution-focused therapy approach:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-...upposing-change-solution-focused-therapy.html

 

[kelsischanging]

I totally understand how you feel. I struggle all the time with being "stuck" between wanting to fight as hard as I can to recover and just wanting to give up. The only advice I can give you is try to magnify those feelings of wanting to get better. Fight hard to get better by continuing to take your meds, go to therapy, ect. It's not always easy but you will feel better about yourself if you continue to fight for health and not just accept sickness (if that makes any sense?)

Keep moving forward! :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think you make a lot of sense especially about the part of wanting to want to get better. I can really relate to that. It is confusing, but I think you're going in the right direction. :hug:

 

[NicNak]

Hi Turtle. It related well to what you said. When Daniel posted his reply, in another thread, it made me think of something to say.

I too have faught for the "ideal" or "normality". Most of my fustration has came from comparing myself to others who do not face the same challenges we do.

Frequently getting fustrated cause I see folks who can manage to do their full duties at work, go to the gym, take care of their home and kids and still manage to put a smile on their faces and be happy about it all.

I get fustrated also, because there was a time where I was a very "well adjusted" "strong" person. I put those words in quotes as they are more me beating up on myself type of thinking.

As the link Daniel posted here regarding the post to fight depression or not to fight

I just re-read that post myself. I do also take a simular approach interms of the Buddist way of thinking. I have had to learn to except my challenges and work with them the best way I can and as healthy as I can, using the coping skills my doctor has given me.

As the thread states, it is not about giving up. It is about self exceptance.

I hope it makes sense what I am saying...

 

[Dragonfly]

I think I'm a step ahead in my actions (the above actions) but a step behind mentally. By that (and this is where it gets confusing) I mean that I'm currently at the point where I don't want to get better, but I want to want to get better. Does that make sense?

Turtle,
I can't presume, but would like to believe that I both understand and have experienced what you describe. For me, the desire for resonance between behavior, thoughts and feelings is strong - but it isn't always there. And when I am aware that the components are out of step, it is .... uncomfortable and disconcerting.

I guess that I wonder what being "better" looks like to you? Is it possible that somehow you have framed it in a way that you would have to give up something that is valuable to you? or something significant would change and the potential for change is very, very frightening? If this is even remotely possible, then it makes sense you (currently) are having trouble really wanting to, wanting to get better.

all the best,
df

 

[Daniel E.]

And, in regards to resistance to change, Albert Ellis thought it was crucial to "discover and challenge the main irrational beliefs that interfere with...changing." He said these irrational beliefs basically fall under two categories:

1. "Because I desire to change, I absolutely must do it well and satisfy myself, my therapist, and others that I have done it as well as it is possible to do it, or else I am an inadequate individual who is not really able to change."

2. "It's not only quite difficult to change myself but it shouldn't be that difficult. It's awful and terrible. I can't stand all the consistent hard work that it will take to change myself!"

Overcoming Resistance: A Rational ... - Google Books

The first category reminds me of why I like the fake-it-till-you-make-it approach to remove some of the disparity between who I am today and who I want to be tomorrow.

The second category relates to Ellis' discussion on catastrophizing and low-frustration tolerance. (Low-frustration tolerance is also tackled by DBT and ACT, both of which focus on acceptance/tolerance.)

 

[Banned]

You are right, Dragonfly, in that I'm terrified of getting better. I've been living in crisis mode for my entire life and having to function outside of this head space is daunting. But I KNOW there is a better way to live...I've lived like this long enough and it's time for a better life.

I had a bit of a revelation, I think, this morning. I was talking to my therapist about this yesterday and his words were "You need to be patient". (Those are words I hear very often from him!). At first it just seemed like simple words...ya ya I need to be patient. But when I was thinking about it this morning, I think what he meant is that I need to give the process time to work. I've been looking for that magical moment where everything is going to make sense and life will be good. I think, what he was saying, is that it's going to be gradual, over time, and there won't be a single moment when a switch just goes on and everything is good. I think, "be patient" actually means "invest in the process and let it work". And I know it won't be a fast process; he keeps reminding me of that.

I think one of the big things is I don't know what "better" looks like, and yes, what do I have to "lose" to be "better"? I believe it's possible, I just don't know what it looks like or feels like.

 

[Fiver]

You know, Turtle, my therapist recently told me something that possibly applies to your situation:

"You think too much."

I think she's right. We do.

 

[Banned]

You know, Turtle, my therapist recently told me something that possibly applies to your situation:

"You think too much."

I think she's right. We do.

I know. I'm retardedly analytical.

 

[Fiver]

Ain't it a bitch?

 

[Daniel E.]

I think one of the big things is I don't know what "better" looks like, and yes, what do I have to "lose" to be "better"? I believe it's possible, I just don't know what it looks like or feels like.

For me, feeling better would just be a greater frequency/duration of being in a good mood.