Where do I put this anger?

[arboria]

The day that my mother passed away, I was literally on my way out the door for a hair cut when the phone rang. It was hospice calling to tell me that if I wanted to see my mother again, I'd have to fly down right away.

This morning, I am finally going to get my hair cut, but I am exhausted. My neighbors make so much noise late at night. This week has been particularly bad as it sounds like they might be moving furniture either in or out. The problem is that they start working on it at 9:30-10 pm, and I usually go to bed at 10. They have hard wood floors above us, so we hear every footstep they make, with or without shoes. They have been doing this all week, and I have been unable to go to sleep until 2-3 am. I am so revved up from being angry at them that I ruminate about it and other stupid things that I would normally ignore.

I think every day that I should just go upstairs and talk to them, but when I'm in the throws of anger, I know it isn't a good idea. The other thing is that the landlord told us a few months ago that they would be leaving in March. Should I risk the possibility that they will react negatively when I might just be able to hold out for a few more weeks?

Am I putting my anger over my mother's death onto them? So many things to consider. I will go back and read all of those articles I saw on anger management.

 

[Into The Light]

Re: Where do i put this anger?

is there any way you would be able to maintain your cool when you speak with them? i wouldn't try to wait this one out. i would explain to them that you just lost your mother so you are feeling really emotional and then let them know that they are keeping you up at night. i do not think it is unreasonable to ask for them not to make that much noise after 10 pm.

the other option is to go via the landlord and ask him/her to address it with the people above you.

you also mention "we", are you living with another adult who might be able to have the discussion with them?

 

[Retired]

Re: Where do i put this anger?

Should I risk the possibility that they will react negatively when I might just be able to hold out for a few more weeks?

It depends on the rapport you have with these people. If you have had a past rocky relationship, you may want to tough it out, because they may decide to annoy you in the final weeks of their lease, out of spite.

However, in many cases, people often don't realize the things they do annoy others, so a friendly conversation can help. It should be done in the spirit of letting them know that, "surprisingly, noise travels through our building more that you might think, due to the hardwood floors!" on the presumed assumption they were not aware.

A situation like this needs to be handled with the utmost diplomacy for success. Telling someone "the trouble with you is......" will get their defenses up and makes it difficult to reconciliate.

 

[Into The Light]

tsow brings up some good points to consider. it does indeed depend on the rapport you have with them. if you think they would be open to hearing this from you then i would give it a go.

 

[Lana]

While you're deciding on how to pursue this, you can always invest in a pair of ear plugs...just to help you get some rest.

 

[ladylore]

Along with what Steve has said, you may want to begin with - "Hi I am your neighbour from such and such suite, I don't think you realize that ......" and close with a solution and a "thank you". Chances are they just don't realize the noise travels.

Basically my rule of thumb is how would I want to be treated in a situation like that if it was reversed?

 

[Mari]

Dear arboria, my condolences for the loss of your mother and I hope you will soon be getting a bit of sleep. It sounds a bit strange that your neighbours would be making that much noise during the night. I agree with ITL that it depends on your rapport with them as to what approach you should take. :heart: Mari

 

[arboria]

It's so nice to get a perspective other than my own, and I am grateful to you all for it.

ITL: I wish I could just count to ten and move on. I find that when I am angry and still feeling the physical symptoms of anger that I don't formulate my thoughts very well, and I then communicate poorly in a verbal way. I am far better at communicating through written word. I am afraid that my hostility will make things worse, especially when I know that my reaction is not proportional to the situation. I'm trying to use my cognitive reasoning skills to change my attitude, but it takes time. I have left a message with the landlord. If they are moving by the end of this month, I'll just let it go. My husband and I live here, although he is much more passive about these things and prefers to avoid the conflict.

Steve- Great advice, and I have a decent rapport with the man upstairs. I have not met his wife or sister, who also live there. I had to speak with him about a package once and offered to accept a package on his behalf if he needed me to. As far as I know, we're cool. And you're right, they might genuinely not understand how far their noise carries int he building. I assume the worst of people, and that isn't fair. I should work on rewiring my brain in that regard. I am very much a believer in figuring out how we contribute to our own problems, and I appreciate the reminder here. So thank you.

lana- Ear plugs! Why didn't I think of that! Even if these folks do move out, the next batch could be even worse, so I better prepare myself. Thank you!

ladylore- I very much like the wording that you suggest, and if I do talk to them, I will take your advice. Much obliged, and you seem wise.

Even just writing about this makes the problem seem a bit smaller.

 

[Halo]

Arboria,

I am glad that the advice, suggestions and even writing here has helped. Sometimes just getting another perspective can be good.

Good luck with your neighbours and let us know how it turns out.

Take care

 

[amastie]

Coming into this late arboria,
what Steve said sounds right to me too. I can't right now think of anything better to add than others have - earplugs included!
Know that I'm thinking of you at this time :hug:

 

[Ronbell]

I realize this is a pretty old thread now but...

Exercise. Exercise is a great way to work out aggression, plus it will make you more tired when it's time to go to sleep; the noise they make will be less of a factor.

And I'm sorry to hear about your mom.