Ok, I have never posted in this room before. The suicide of my father in law led me to this forum, but when it rains it freakin pours. My father is an alcoholic. He was very abusive, had a thing for guns and such. Used his hands to hurt alot. We left when I was nine, and as much as I knew even then that is was a good thing, it was very hard for me to accept. I always thought that if I had been a boy, I could have found a way to make him happy. Now I know that wasn't and isn't true, but when you are 9, it is very real. The love I have for my dad didn't grow up with the rest of me. There is alot of stuff I can't remember, and in a way I am glad for that, I think. And most days I can close the lid on the box that I keeps all this crap away from me. I haven't had much to do with him over the years, a visit to him now and then. I call at least once every few weeks. He doesn't call me drunk anymore cause I told him I was going to Alanon. Well, I only went to a couple meetings. It all felt too weird, and I didn't like feeling so exposed. There are only two people in the world who know all I can remember, that is my sister and my husband. But now, I am having it rush me. My step mother died not quite a month ago, and my Dad is very frail. I had to go up when she died and take over thngs for him. I am now handling his money so he doesn't piss it all away. My stepmom never let him have access to the money. Smart woman. But now it is left to me. I have to go up once every few weeks, like this weekend and make sure he is eating and doing something else but drinking. I know all the logical things in my head, but damn it all to hell, my heart is killing me. I got back about 7:30 tonite and I just feel lost. I do love him, for whatever reason. I am so very sad tonite. I honestly don't know how much more stress I can take. Really I don't. The past four months have taken just about all I have. The flashbacks are starting again and I know it is just because I am dealing with my dad. I can't even talk to my dad about the things he did. He just isn't well enough and I ask myself what it would accomplish anyway. I don't even know if he remembers all he did. Do they remember?? I had the gun one night, when he was hitting my mom. I was 7. I pulled it off the freezer but I wasn't strong enough to pull up the muzzle. He had rifles. Does he remember that? Cause if he did, how can he honestly look me in the face? And I feel bad thinking that cause he seems so old and frail now. But I feel that way. I was looking forward to going down this weekend and helping him. I took him grocery shopping, but when I tried to get him to buy some things, like meat or fruit or anything worthwhile, it was nope. I got very frustrated. He isn't eating hardly anything, so he keeps telling me how weak he feels. Well, gee, can't imagine why. And when he starts talking about how he feels bad and how he hasn't got much of anything, I start to get angry. He could have had alot more, emotionally and fianancially. he could have had a family. He could have had my sister and I. I don't know what to do with all these feelings. It is like the pandoras box has been opened. I want to do what is right and help him, but it is so hard, so very hard. I am really tired. I honestly don't think I can take anything else going wrong. I feel so bad feeling like this considering his health. He is only 66 and has to use a walker to get around. He can only take a bit of walking and then he is exhausted. And he is so thin again. But he looks like is 80 SO, when I am feeling angry and sad and want to scream at him, I feel bad. Damn, I am rambling. And this isn't helping right now. Sorry.