I don't know where to put all these feelings.

[Auburn]

Ok, I have never posted in this room before. The suicide of my father in law led me to this forum, but when it rains it freakin pours. My father is an alcoholic. He was very abusive, had a thing for guns and such. Used his hands to hurt alot. We left when I was nine, and as much as I knew even then that is was a good thing, it was very hard for me to accept. I always thought that if I had been a boy, I could have found a way to make him happy. Now I know that wasn't and isn't true, but when you are 9, it is very real. The love I have for my dad didn't grow up with the rest of me. There is alot of stuff I can't remember, and in a way I am glad for that, I think. And most days I can close the lid on the box that I keeps all this crap away from me. I haven't had much to do with him over the years, a visit to him now and then. I call at least once every few weeks. He doesn't call me drunk anymore cause I told him I was going to Alanon. Well, I only went to a couple meetings. It all felt too weird, and I didn't like feeling so exposed. There are only two people in the world who know all I can remember, that is my sister and my husband. But now, I am having it rush me. My step mother died not quite a month ago, and my Dad is very frail. I had to go up when she died and take over thngs for him. I am now handling his money so he doesn't piss it all away. My stepmom never let him have access to the money. Smart woman. But now it is left to me. I have to go up once every few weeks, like this weekend and make sure he is eating and doing something else but drinking. I know all the logical things in my head, but damn it all to hell, my heart is killing me. I got back about 7:30 tonite and I just feel lost. I do love him, for whatever reason. I am so very sad tonite. I honestly don't know how much more stress I can take. Really I don't. The past four months have taken just about all I have. The flashbacks are starting again and I know it is just because I am dealing with my dad. I can't even talk to my dad about the things he did. He just isn't well enough and I ask myself what it would accomplish anyway. I don't even know if he remembers all he did. Do they remember?? I had the gun one night, when he was hitting my mom. I was 7. I pulled it off the freezer but I wasn't strong enough to pull up the muzzle. He had rifles. Does he remember that? Cause if he did, how can he honestly look me in the face? And I feel bad thinking that cause he seems so old and frail now. But I feel that way. I was looking forward to going down this weekend and helping him. I took him grocery shopping, but when I tried to get him to buy some things, like meat or fruit or anything worthwhile, it was nope. I got very frustrated. He isn't eating hardly anything, so he keeps telling me how weak he feels. Well, gee, can't imagine why. And when he starts talking about how he feels bad and how he hasn't got much of anything, I start to get angry. He could have had alot more, emotionally and fianancially. he could have had a family. He could have had my sister and I. I don't know what to do with all these feelings. It is like the pandoras box has been opened. I want to do what is right and help him, but it is so hard, so very hard. I am really tired. I honestly don't think I can take anything else going wrong. I feel so bad feeling like this considering his health. He is only 66 and has to use a walker to get around. He can only take a bit of walking and then he is exhausted. And he is so thin again. But he looks like is 80 SO, when I am feeling angry and sad and want to scream at him, I feel bad. Damn, I am rambling. And this isn't helping right now. Sorry.

 

[HA]

Auburn,

This was a good place to put all of those feelings. It must be very difficult to be in the position of caring for your dad while he is so frail and going thorugh all of those terrible past memories. I'm thinking that Alanon would be a good place for you to go back to.
If you find the chapter or whatever they call local groups, not to your liking then go to one in another town or city and try that one.

I'm assuming that they have something in place for people with your experiences. Even if you just meet another person who has lived through the same things it would help you unload some of your pain.

Hugs

 

[Auburn]

Thanks HeartArt. This has just been such an awful 4 1/2 months. And since I never thought my Dad would actually survive this long, it never occured to me that I would have to care for him. And that brings the guilt. My husband says I shouldn't feel guilty, since we never stayed close after my parents divorced. We couldn't simply because he was always drinking and my Mom wouldn't leave us with him when he was like that. The memories are very hard to handle, but my husband is helping alot. His father was an alcoholic as well. Not violent like my Dad, but still booze in just another face. Thank gawd I have my husband, he is my rock. Thank you again for your words, they mean more than you know.

 

[ThatLady]

It's hard, sometimes, not to feel guilt even when we know we have no guilt. Yet, that's what we have to do. We have to keep telling ourselves that we didn't bring on the problems, we're just trying to cope with them. Your father, unfortunately, is paying for the excesses of his past. You didn't make him drink. He chose to drink. Because of that choice, he's in a bad state now.

Sounds like you have a great hubby who gives you a lot of support. Just love yourself, and keep up the "I didn't do this" self-talk. Also, you might look into getting him into a care facility so that your life isn't so negatively impacted. I don't know that that's a possibility, but it's worth considering.

Hugs, hon.