Why so much intensity??

[Always Changing]

First of all, I have not written about myself here in a long time, So I feel a little apprehensive writing this now. Why? I truly do not know, I just feel this.

Second of all, I do not know which forum to place the post in. It might belong in here or in the, bipolar forum or abandonment forum or dissociation forum.

and 3rd. I'm just looking for other peoples ideas on what happened\why.

okay, so a couple of weeks ago while in session we were talking about and dealing a little on abandonment, I got to talk to "myself" and found that I was blaming me for abandoning me. I felt a few emotions during this time, some I have not felt for quite a while. I am aware that I dissociated and it took a while to "come back to the here and now. That is something that I really want not to do. So much time is taken up\lost when it happens.
So any ideas on that are welcome.

The next session was started in a not so good way. (I used to have bouts of claustrophobia until recently have had none in maybe couple yrs.) upon arriving for my apt, I was shown to another room to wait for my T. This room was nothing more than a closet turned into a mini office like space. Unable to go anywhere else, wasnt' able to think for a start. I panicked.. mentally. Now I was only in there for a cpl of mins when my T arrived and I pleaded\begged "get me out of here". Within a couple of mins we left that room and it was then that I completely spaced out for a few mins. I was everywhere and nowhere. We did talk about the experience for a short bit and sorted out what to do if my T herself doesn't answer the door. Sorted? It should be but I am still taken back there from time to time this past few days. I am also experiencing some minor depression since then.

Moving on.
This week, and this is the one that really gets me. My apt was cancelled unexpectantly. (truly valid reason and no fault of Therapist). But! It absolutely and completely "threw me". I was upset, angry and even almost in tears. So much so that I was not able to reply and acknowledge the message until much later in the day.
I am puzzled by the intensity of those feelings, I have had apts cancelled before on short notice and while I might be disapointed I certainly would not have had that kind of reaction.! So WHY??

I am not sure if all the above are linked together, or are separate "issues" in and of themselves. and Lastly, yesterday I felt I was crashing, today I am trying to not to think of that. (crashing that is)

Sorry for the really long post, If anyone has any thoughts???

Thanks.

 

[forgetmenot]

i think the start of all the emotional upheaval was when you go intouch with those abandonment issues It started perhaps an unconcious spiral of bad feeling for you.
Emotions take us everywhere and without help to control them they can play havoc with us. I am sorry your T cancelled out it seems when you could have used her to most. The only way i know how to keep grounded when my emotions go all over is to tell myself to breath like i was taught slowly in a box. I also call someone anyone even if it just an answering machine that voice lets me know i am in the present not the past. I do agree with you that so much time is wasted when one dissassociates it seems like forever to get the whole self back again. I hope you can call your therapist leave a msg telling her where you are at okay and ask for an appt as soon possible so you can get that help you need to stabilize Glad to see you posting AC it helps to talk about what your going through it help to bring some clarity to what is happening hugs. Hope your T gets back to you soon

 

[bigben70]

Yes - Spirit raises a good point. You just got in touch with the abandonment issues (and some feelings around that) and then you had the panic attack. Relax - the "surreal" spacey feeling after those attacks is likely a switch from the adrenaline dump to the parasympathetic response that calms you (dopamine and other chemicals). Don't fear the spacey feeling - fear enforces the panic cycle. Accept that the spacey feeling is part of a transition from "fight or flight" and adrenaline to "calming down" and dopamine. I bet you were exhausted afterwards. After panic attacks, sometimes all I want to do is sleep.

As for the cancelling of an appointment, yes, that can really shake you up! If you're like me you really think about that next appointment and are "psyched up" about it and when it gets moved or cancelled there is such a feeling of disappointment. Imagine a sports team psyched up for a final match and then the thing gets cancelled due to weather? Ha. Same thing. You're not disappointed because you're crazy - you're disappointed because you're human.

When I feel this way I yell myself I am NOT crashing. I say "Okay, I AM NOT CRASHING." Self talk is very important. Say you will crash and you will crash. Say you are stronger because of therapy and you just may NOT crash. Sometimes we fulfill our own negative prophecies with what we say to ourselves in our minds. Think of what you say in your mind as food for your brain. You want to feed your mind GOOD THINGS. When you do negative self talk, you feed your mind garbage, and then the body and mind work accordingly. You can't win the championship if all you eat is fries and burgers! You can't have good mental health with negative self talk either. The world has enough people out there putting us down - down join them! Talk yourself up instead. I say things like:

My panic attack was normal. My physical sensations and mental feelings afterward were normal.
My reaction to the unexpected change (appointment getting cancelling, etc.) was normal.
My reaction to uncovering new feelings in therapy was normal: I am excited!
I am really quite normal. I am going to be fine.
I am going to have a great appointment next time and do more work.
I am a proactive and smart person for seeking therapy and working at it.

I try to say the positive words and let them in. If you find yourself obsessing about the moved appointment, maybe get on to that "to do" list and pound off a few items! Or read a good book, or watch a compelling documentary. Or just take a long shower/bath, clean your hair and condition. Use body wash and then lotion afterwards. Trim your nails. Comb your hair. Pamper yourself. Treat yourself to some good treatment. Do something nice for you. Something that calms you and relaxes you. (My wife introduced me to bath beads... I'm a changed man!)

An idle mind is a playground for anxious thoughts and worry. A busy and productive mind is often too busy working to worry. I also have a habit of trying to "be" in therapy 24-7. I have learned over the years to turn off therapy between sessions. I may do some "homework" or research here and there, but spending all your time between appointments thinking about the next appointment is, well, hard work!

Good Luck and be well!
- Big Ben