David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Why Yelling at Children is so Harmful
by Dr. Tali Shenfield, Child Psychology and Parenting Blog
August 6, 2017
Though much attention has been paid to the harmful effects of physically disciplining children, until recently relatively little research had been done into the psychological impact of yelling. Many people ? experts and parents alike ? were therefore surprised when a recent study conducted by the University of Pittsburgh and published in the Journal of Child Psychology revealed that harsh verbal discipline can be every bit as damaging as spanking or hitting. The study, which tracked almost a thousand of middle school students over two years (all from middle-class, stable backgrounds), assessing the students? mental health, the child-rearing practices of their parents, the quality of their relationships with their parents, and other associated demographics, concluded that yelling both encourages rebellious behaviour and raises the likelihood that a child will become depressed. These results remained true even when the child in question came from a home that was otherwise described as ?warm and loving.? It is therefore important that parents reconsider their use of harsh verbal discipline and implement gentler methods of communication.
Understanding The Urge To Yell
While it?s certainly true that children can be frustrating owing to their innate need to push parental boundaries, more often than not, it?s fear that lies at the heart of a parent?s verbal outburst. Usually, the misbehaving child has inadvertently activated one of his parent?s emotional triggers, unleashing a flood of helpless or hopeless feelings which circumvent the parent?s ability to think calmly and logically about the situation. The parent then begins to discipline the child in a manner that is reactive rather than proactive, guided by a sense of panic, urgency, and fear.
If you find yourself in such a situation, it?s important to remember that while your feelings are normal, valid, and acceptable, allowing them to drive you to behave badly is not?and you cannot blame your child for ?making? you react with a verbal outburst. Though it?s tempting to do this in order to assuage feelings of guilt, it will cause your child to take on additional shame, leading to future trust issues and behavioural problems. Instead, you need to learn how to accept your feelings, understand where they are coming from, and formulate a plan detailing how to take better control of them in the future.
Parents who yell are often being driven by one or more of the following emotional triggers:
For example, if you find yourself screaming at your teenager every time he comes home past curfew, fear is likely acting as an emotional trigger: fear resulting from the hours spent wondering if something has happened to him, the idea that something might happen to him in the future and you will not react in time because you?ll assume he is simply disregarding his curfew again, etc. Perhaps there is also another, deeper reason for the severity of your reaction: a bad experience you had while out late at night or something frightening that happened to a friend or sibling when he or she broke curfew.
Your teen, of course, does not understand this; he just sees you as being rigid and inflexible, not understanding his deep need for peer acceptance and why it drives him to stay out late rather than seem ?uncool? as a result of leaving early. The more you yell at him, the more invalidated and misunderstood he will feel, and the less receptive he will be to your concerns. Parent-child communication will break down and your teen will turn more and more to his peers for a sense of closeness, trust, and acceptance?making him less willing to obey any rules that might threaten his social standing. In summation, the gap between parent and child will almost always widen when harsh verbal discipline is used.
Circumventing The Urge To Yell
To prevent the formation of negative cycles like the one described above, parents need to:
Though calm parenting is a learned skill, with time and practice, it often becomes second nature. Be kind to yourself and your children as you journey to a more positive place in your relationship; the results you attain will almost surely surprise you.
by Dr. Tali Shenfield, Child Psychology and Parenting Blog
August 6, 2017
Though much attention has been paid to the harmful effects of physically disciplining children, until recently relatively little research had been done into the psychological impact of yelling. Many people ? experts and parents alike ? were therefore surprised when a recent study conducted by the University of Pittsburgh and published in the Journal of Child Psychology revealed that harsh verbal discipline can be every bit as damaging as spanking or hitting. The study, which tracked almost a thousand of middle school students over two years (all from middle-class, stable backgrounds), assessing the students? mental health, the child-rearing practices of their parents, the quality of their relationships with their parents, and other associated demographics, concluded that yelling both encourages rebellious behaviour and raises the likelihood that a child will become depressed. These results remained true even when the child in question came from a home that was otherwise described as ?warm and loving.? It is therefore important that parents reconsider their use of harsh verbal discipline and implement gentler methods of communication.
Understanding The Urge To Yell
While it?s certainly true that children can be frustrating owing to their innate need to push parental boundaries, more often than not, it?s fear that lies at the heart of a parent?s verbal outburst. Usually, the misbehaving child has inadvertently activated one of his parent?s emotional triggers, unleashing a flood of helpless or hopeless feelings which circumvent the parent?s ability to think calmly and logically about the situation. The parent then begins to discipline the child in a manner that is reactive rather than proactive, guided by a sense of panic, urgency, and fear.
If you find yourself in such a situation, it?s important to remember that while your feelings are normal, valid, and acceptable, allowing them to drive you to behave badly is not?and you cannot blame your child for ?making? you react with a verbal outburst. Though it?s tempting to do this in order to assuage feelings of guilt, it will cause your child to take on additional shame, leading to future trust issues and behavioural problems. Instead, you need to learn how to accept your feelings, understand where they are coming from, and formulate a plan detailing how to take better control of them in the future.
Parents who yell are often being driven by one or more of the following emotional triggers:
- Feelings of hopelessness
- A sense of helplessness
- Feeling inadequate as a parent
- Fear
- Guilt
For example, if you find yourself screaming at your teenager every time he comes home past curfew, fear is likely acting as an emotional trigger: fear resulting from the hours spent wondering if something has happened to him, the idea that something might happen to him in the future and you will not react in time because you?ll assume he is simply disregarding his curfew again, etc. Perhaps there is also another, deeper reason for the severity of your reaction: a bad experience you had while out late at night or something frightening that happened to a friend or sibling when he or she broke curfew.
Your teen, of course, does not understand this; he just sees you as being rigid and inflexible, not understanding his deep need for peer acceptance and why it drives him to stay out late rather than seem ?uncool? as a result of leaving early. The more you yell at him, the more invalidated and misunderstood he will feel, and the less receptive he will be to your concerns. Parent-child communication will break down and your teen will turn more and more to his peers for a sense of closeness, trust, and acceptance?making him less willing to obey any rules that might threaten his social standing. In summation, the gap between parent and child will almost always widen when harsh verbal discipline is used.
Circumventing The Urge To Yell
To prevent the formation of negative cycles like the one described above, parents need to:
- Recognize emotional triggers. Make a list of those behaviours which seem most likely to drive you to yell at your child and then try to identify the emotions associated with them (e.g. shame, helplessness). Ask yourself why these behaviours are so upsetting to you, paying keen attention to past experiences and emotional baggage which might be provoking an especially severe reaction. Write your thoughts down so that you can revisit them later and add additional insights.
Remember that you should not expect perfection from yourself in this process?that will only encourage feelings of inadequacy?but instead you should view your emotional self-education as a gradual learning curve. Seek support and be ready and willing to forgive yourself as you struggle to understand your reactions and change ingrained habits. For you as a parent, this journey of understanding should be as much about healing your old wounds as preventing future harm to your child. - Practice mindfulness. Becoming an aware observer of your own emotions as they happen is a key to being able to decode and defuse them before they drive you to react in harmful ways. If your child has hit one of your triggers, walk away from the situation for a moment, ask yourself why you are feeling such extreme emotions, accept them, forgive yourself for them, then calm down and ask yourself what the most logical and rational way to handle your child?s behaviour is. Accept the fact that you cannot control your child, you can only communicate with him productively so that he comes to understand your point of view while also feeling like his own has been shared. Avoid the temptation to engage in a battle of wills with your child and instead place the emphasis on compassionate curiosity and using non-judgemental language.
- Understand the consequences. While verbal outbursts can feel beneficial in the heat of the moment as they allow parents to relieve tension, it?s important to keep in mind the undeniable fact that they actually undermine the parent-child relationship over time. Yelling harms trust, shuts down communication, and gradually reduces the power of parental influence; after all, your child must want to be led by you for your guidance to be effective.
- Avoid negative projections. Parents often worry to excess, conjuring up frightening mental images of what might happen to their children if they fail to obey the rules. At the heart of this habit often lies a desire to somehow prevent these terrible outcomes, but all it really does is make parents more likely to react severely, driven by their own imaginings. Instead, you should imagine positive outcomes?i.e., what will happen if you and your child have a loving conversation about the issue at hand and arrive at a compromise?and aim to make them a reality.
- Practice self-care. No matter how calm and rational your parenting style becomes over time, parenting will always be a bit stressful. As such, parents should make time to engage in healthy tension-relieving activities like exercise, yoga, and meditation. Spend some time with your thoughts each day, acknowledging them, accepting them, and letting any negative ones go.
Though calm parenting is a learned skill, with time and practice, it often becomes second nature. Be kind to yourself and your children as you journey to a more positive place in your relationship; the results you attain will almost surely surprise you.
