Will I ever recover???

[Rosa]

As many of you may recall, my Rabbi died in April 2006. Since then I have not been the same. I still cry for him on a regular basis. Even as I write this I'm crying. I miss him sooooo very much. Temple use to be a very important part of my life but I rarely go there anymore. I really tried to connect with the new Rabbi but over a short period of time I realized that was not going to happen. His time was always short. I loaned him a very personal book and he lost it. It just wasn't special. I just miss my Rabbi soooo much. I know it sounds stupid but I want him back. I want it to be the way it use to be. I've had other 'losses' in my life-my entire family is dead-not that that really matters to me, but I've lost friends and sure thats hurt but I've gone on. I just keep remembering the last time I saw my Rabbi was when they were rolling his casket down the temple isle, and then at the funeral and my tossing dirt on the casket. I don't want him to be dead!!!!! I've gone to the cementary more than I have for all my friends combined. I miss him soooo much. They say time heals....well how much time is needed to heal such a loss??? I've never cared for anyone or had anyone care for me as much as that from my Rabbi. I miss that. I miss him. I'm still crying. At what point is this a problem??? At what point should I be able to let go but am not??? He was the most important person in my life.
Rosa
I don't think anyone is ever going to love me life he did and I miss that!!!!! And it hurts!!!!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I do remember that, Rosa.

Grief is not something you "get over". It never really goes away. In time, it gets a little easier to bear and the pain is less sharp but you will always miss him. And I doubt that you would have it any other way, would you?

I wrote this article a few years ago: Grief and Bereavement in Accidental or Sudden Death - maybe it will help.

 

[Rosa]

thanks doctor, I'll read your articles. I guess your right, I wouldn't want it any other way. He was the single most important person I've ever had in my life. Yes, I am very thankful to have had him and your right, of course the loss is going to hurt. I guess I'm having one of those hard nights where I really especially miss him. Gosh, my eyes are going to be all swollen tomarrow
As always
Rosa

 

[Rosa]

Dr Baxter,
I just finished re-reading your article tonight....thanks again, it is helpful. I really like the legacy idea....My Rabbi gave me the greatest gift of all-the gift of Judiasum (I always spell that wrong) and in his loss its like I've turned on that gift. I've pulled away from the Temple that he loved so much, that was so part of his life. In many ways I've turned against living a Jewish life. I don't celebrate many of our holidays and the Sabbath is nothing more than another day (don't tell G-d this lol)...but its true....By re-reading your article I'm thinking I really need to return to more of a Jewish life-the life I use to treasure. I am in many ways part of his legacy and I should be proud of that. Thank you. I am also going to talk to my doctor about my feelings still about my Rabbi and his loss. I think it would be helpful to continue to explore how this loss has affected me so that I can go on. My Rabbi would so want that for me.
Rosa

 

[Retired]

Rosa,

I am touched by your devotion to your Rabbi, who obviously had a profound effect on your live.

This devotion will live in your heart and in your memory forever, once the pain of grieving passes...and it does pass with time.

As we get older, we begin losing many of our contemporaries, as well as parents, grand parents and even sibling.

Losing these people is never easy, and some more more difficult than others. I can only imagine the grief of losing a spouse or a child.

With the support of those close to us, we can allow ourselves to grieve, to recount memories and anecdotes about the person who has deceased and with time the pain is replaced with fond memories.

My dear Mother passed away three years ago, the pain of her loss has been replaced with wonderful memories I have, that I can share with my wife.

While she was living, I telephoned her every day, regardless of where I was. Many days, I'll think to myself, "I haven't called Mother today".....then I catch myself....that moment is in fact a slight joyful moment for me, because it brings back the feeling of joy I felt when I used to call her.

I hope the pain turns into joyful memories for you at some point in the not too distant future, Rosa.

 

[Rosa]

Thanks Steve
I guess for me my Rabbi was the first person in my life to offer true unconditional love. It may sound mean but I couldn't care less about my parents death. I was removed from my father when I was 12-my mother had already left. To me they mean nothing. But my Rabbi-he was the most important person that ever entered my life. Oddly enough I didn't cry when my mother died, I didn't cry when my father died but I am still crying over the death of my Rabbi. Guess thats kind of weird.
In friendship
Rosa
I guess I sound kind of uncaring....I'm really not, just being honest. I don't mean to offend anyone by saying my parents didn't matter, I just have no feelings whatsoever for them.

 

[Rosa]

Just an update....I contacted a Rabbi thru the Jewish Healing Center....they deal specifically with issues of death, dying and loss. I sent him and email and he wrote back.. Were going to be meeting in the near future and hopefully I can get some good ideas from him. He knew my Rabbi!!!! And I think he understands where I'm coming from. It has been a huge loss and I think having someone-especially someone who knew my Rabbi personally...might be able to make a difference in my life.
Rosa

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Good news, Rosa. I hope this helps you to find some peace.

 

[ladylore]

Just an update....I contacted a Rabbi thru the Jewish Healing Center....they deal specifically with issues of death, dying and loss. I sent him and email and he wrote back.. Were going to be meeting in the near future and hopefully I can get some good ideas from him. He knew my Rabbi!!!! And I think he understands where I'm coming from. It has been a huge loss and I think having someone-especially someone who knew my Rabbi personally...might be able to make a difference in my life.
Rosa

That is great to hear Rosa - its a small world isn't it.

 

[sunset]

For me, you never really get over losing someone. I have lost many, many dear people and I miss them so much.. You do learn to go on, because you really have no choice. I am changed though, with each person I lose.. I lose a part of me too. Keep the memories alive in your heart.
They would want you too. Your Rabbit wouldnt want you to keep on grieving for him.