The paradox of empathy: When empathy hurts

...We strive for this empathic understanding of our clients to establish a warm and trusting relationship. But is it possible that instead of the client welcoming this level of closeness and understanding, he or she might regard the counselor’s ability to “see the whole person” as an intrusion? Instead of wishing to be fully known by the counselor, might the client regard empathic understanding as a penetration into protected areas of the self, stimulating feelings of exposure, anxiety and shame?

Therapeutic empathy creates a paradox. The client wishes to be seen, understood and validated but does not necessarily want be completely known, even to himself or herself, because such deep empathy evokes the client’s deepest wounds. In such cases, empathy hurts!...

The client’s increasing contact with “forbidden” thoughts and feelings through the counselor’s empathic efforts can also evoke an anxious sense of vulnerability. The counselor is becoming important to the client as a new attachment figure, and the client fears that the counselor will in some way reject, punish or abandon the client as others have done in the past...

Attunement to subtle changes in the therapeutic encounter allows us to sense when our clients are feeling too exposed by empathic responses — when they are ashamed of being known too well. The empathic counselor invites the client to realize aspects of self that were dissociated and denied as a result of conditions of worth. It is a sensitive process for the client to allow aspects of self into awareness that formerly were thought to be defective or dangerous. When this finally happens, the client can say, as Rogers stated, “Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me.” Furthermore, the client will be able to say, “And I am, in spite of my faults, prized by my counselor and owned by myself.”