David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
6 Ways Self-Criticism Hurts Your Relationships
by Melissa Karnaze
June 17, 2011
Self-criticism is rarely constructive.
It’s based on the belief that you’re not good enough.
Nowhere inherent in that belief is a concrete definition or metric of “good,” let alone “enough.”
Any self-criticism based on your not being good enough is actually counter-productive to cultivating healthy relationships, because it:
“I’m not good enough” is actually a cop-out. The statement allows you to evade any immediate conflict, and especially any relationship problem. Instead of focusing on the conflict or problem at hand, you can simply say, “Well, I’m not good enough. I’m sorry.”
The other person takes that as: You don’t care enough about them to figure something out — instead of giving up.
Imagine if someone hurt you, and instead of apologizing they said, “I’m so ashamed.” Would that make you feel validated, or shut out?
Instead of going on about how ashamed you are for “not being good enough” — reframe “good enough” to: committed to working toward resolution with the other person, because they matter to you.
2. A distraction from the actual relationship
Let’s look more closely at the statement, “I’m not good enough.” It’s natural to get hung up on this conclusion — rather than the original relationship problem that spurred to you self-criticize. And you might think that ruminating on your faults will condition you not to repeat them. But rumination merely shifts your attention to your faults — without necessarily circling back to your relationship with another person.
Relationships aren’t all about you, and your faults.
3. Unproductive abstract thinking
“Good enough” is a loose construct that doesn’t help you take response ability for your actions. What you need are tighter constructs, ones more easily defined, more de-constructed.
Being “good enough” might mean:
4. Downplaying the importance of learning from mistakes
When you choose goals and resolutions that reflect your values — rather than conform to the social ideals of notions such as “responsibility” — something beautiful happens. The language of “good enough” disappears. Because there is no need to self-criticize when you mess up. Instead, each mistake is a stepping stone to more fully flesh out why you have the goal, why you have resistance, and how you can work through that resistance.
The language of “good enough” implies that you are being judged on your performance — that you have to meet expectations for approval (from yourself).
The language of “I made a mistake,” “I’ll learn from this,” “I can figure out a solution,” “I won’t give up on my goal,” “Even though I’m embarrassed, my priority is this relationship” implies that you are being mindful of your actions so that you can increasingly be response able for them. So that you can increasingly work toward your goals — not to gain approval, but because that’s what you want. There’s a huge difference between evaluating your actions (read: not you) based on what you want, and evaluating you (read: not your actions) based on what you “should” be and do.
5. Emotional unavailability
Self-criticism also cuts you off from loved ones. (You just don’t pay attention enough when it happens.)
To illustrate, here’s Philadelphia Phillies' pitching coach Rich Dubee recalling when he visited pitcher Cole Hamels at the mound during a game in 2009:
“If I came out to the mound and ranted and raved and called you all kinds of names, would that do you any good?” Dubee asked.
“No,” Hamels responded.
“Then why do you do it to yourself,” Dubee shot back. “You’re out here chewing out yourself and crushing yourself, and now you’re so mad that you’re not able to compete against the opposition.”
Dubee’s advice goes for all of us.
Anytime you chew yourself out and crush yourself (which is what most self-criticism takes the form of), you’re so mad at yourself that you’re not able to:
6. Judgments all around
And finally, self-criticism puts you in a mindset to judge — people for their actions.
No doubt we all need to judge to keep our bearings in this world. But if you chew yourself out or crush yourself — even subconsciously — you’ll do it to someone else. In fact, you’ll jump at the opportunity to do it to someone else (even if subconsciously), because it will distract you from having to look your own undesirable traits.
Welcome to human nature. How you treat yourself constrains how you can treat others. How you acknowledge and respond to your own feelings shapes your empathy. If you can’t own up to your true feelings or mistakes, then you can expect to have difficulty accepting others for their true feelings or mistakes. That sets up tensions, resentments, and other barriers to emotional honesty and joint conflict resolution. Which means, your relationships suffer.
Stop being so critical of yourself
Even if you understand these six ways that self-criticism hurts your relationships, it’s not like you can just “stop” being so critical of yourself — or maybe you can. Maybe all it takes is awareness in each moment that you are self-critical, and the commitment to experiencing your emotions.
After all, once the emotions pass, you’ll have more direct experience with how chewing yourself out and crushing yourself accomplishes two things:
What do you think? How has self-criticism hurt your relationships? How can we learn from it to make our relationships better?
by Melissa Karnaze
June 17, 2011
Self-criticism is rarely constructive.
It’s based on the belief that you’re not good enough.
Nowhere inherent in that belief is a concrete definition or metric of “good,” let alone “enough.”
Any self-criticism based on your not being good enough is actually counter-productive to cultivating healthy relationships, because it:
- Gives you an excuse to avoid dealing with conflicts
- Distracts you from your relationship goals
- Locks you into (unproductive) abstract thinking
- Downplays the importance of learning from mistakes
- Makes you emotionally unavailable
- Encourages you to be critical of others in the same ways in which you are critical of yourself
“I’m not good enough” is actually a cop-out. The statement allows you to evade any immediate conflict, and especially any relationship problem. Instead of focusing on the conflict or problem at hand, you can simply say, “Well, I’m not good enough. I’m sorry.”
The other person takes that as: You don’t care enough about them to figure something out — instead of giving up.
Imagine if someone hurt you, and instead of apologizing they said, “I’m so ashamed.” Would that make you feel validated, or shut out?
Instead of going on about how ashamed you are for “not being good enough” — reframe “good enough” to: committed to working toward resolution with the other person, because they matter to you.
2. A distraction from the actual relationship
Let’s look more closely at the statement, “I’m not good enough.” It’s natural to get hung up on this conclusion — rather than the original relationship problem that spurred to you self-criticize. And you might think that ruminating on your faults will condition you not to repeat them. But rumination merely shifts your attention to your faults — without necessarily circling back to your relationship with another person.
Relationships aren’t all about you, and your faults.
3. Unproductive abstract thinking
“Good enough” is a loose construct that doesn’t help you take response ability for your actions. What you need are tighter constructs, ones more easily defined, more de-constructed.
Being “good enough” might mean:
- Listening to others when they open up to you
- Venting in private instead of dumping on those around you (or obtaining permission before venting to someone)
- Agreeing to disagree instead of vehemently arguing against opposing viewpoints
- Expressing hurt feelings rather than blaming another for being “bad” or “wrong
- Listening
- Venting in private (or with permission if in the company of another)
- Agreeing to disagree
- Talking about how you feel
4. Downplaying the importance of learning from mistakes
When you choose goals and resolutions that reflect your values — rather than conform to the social ideals of notions such as “responsibility” — something beautiful happens. The language of “good enough” disappears. Because there is no need to self-criticize when you mess up. Instead, each mistake is a stepping stone to more fully flesh out why you have the goal, why you have resistance, and how you can work through that resistance.
The language of “good enough” implies that you are being judged on your performance — that you have to meet expectations for approval (from yourself).
The language of “I made a mistake,” “I’ll learn from this,” “I can figure out a solution,” “I won’t give up on my goal,” “Even though I’m embarrassed, my priority is this relationship” implies that you are being mindful of your actions so that you can increasingly be response able for them. So that you can increasingly work toward your goals — not to gain approval, but because that’s what you want. There’s a huge difference between evaluating your actions (read: not you) based on what you want, and evaluating you (read: not your actions) based on what you “should” be and do.
5. Emotional unavailability
Self-criticism also cuts you off from loved ones. (You just don’t pay attention enough when it happens.)
To illustrate, here’s Philadelphia Phillies' pitching coach Rich Dubee recalling when he visited pitcher Cole Hamels at the mound during a game in 2009:
“If I came out to the mound and ranted and raved and called you all kinds of names, would that do you any good?” Dubee asked.
“No,” Hamels responded.
“Then why do you do it to yourself,” Dubee shot back. “You’re out here chewing out yourself and crushing yourself, and now you’re so mad that you’re not able to compete against the opposition.”
Anytime you chew yourself out and crush yourself (which is what most self-criticism takes the form of), you’re so mad at yourself that you’re not able to:
- Compete against the opposition
- Overcome an obstacle
- Fix a problem in a relationship
- Learn from a mistake to avoid repeating it
- Make amends for giving someone cause for hurt feelings
- Work with another person to keep your relationship healthy
6. Judgments all around
And finally, self-criticism puts you in a mindset to judge — people for their actions.
No doubt we all need to judge to keep our bearings in this world. But if you chew yourself out or crush yourself — even subconsciously — you’ll do it to someone else. In fact, you’ll jump at the opportunity to do it to someone else (even if subconsciously), because it will distract you from having to look your own undesirable traits.
Welcome to human nature. How you treat yourself constrains how you can treat others. How you acknowledge and respond to your own feelings shapes your empathy. If you can’t own up to your true feelings or mistakes, then you can expect to have difficulty accepting others for their true feelings or mistakes. That sets up tensions, resentments, and other barriers to emotional honesty and joint conflict resolution. Which means, your relationships suffer.
Stop being so critical of yourself
Even if you understand these six ways that self-criticism hurts your relationships, it’s not like you can just “stop” being so critical of yourself — or maybe you can. Maybe all it takes is awareness in each moment that you are self-critical, and the commitment to experiencing your emotions.
After all, once the emotions pass, you’ll have more direct experience with how chewing yourself out and crushing yourself accomplishes two things:
- Chewing yourself out and crushing yourself
- Hurting your relationships in at least one of six crucial ways
What do you think? How has self-criticism hurt your relationships? How can we learn from it to make our relationships better?
