7 years

[kelsischanging]

7 years. I've been self injuring for 7 years. I started when I was 17. Not long after I started I told my therapist that I don't want to be 20 years old and still cutting. Welll, I'm just a few weeks off from turing 24 and I'm in the middle of one of my worst SI spells that I've had in a long time. It's daily again and I'm just so darn frustrated with myself. I know why this hard time started. I'm in the middle of tremendous change. In the past 6 months, I've graduated from college and started my first full time job, and well the job isn't exactely a wonderful situation. I know that for someone like me (I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder at 18) change is difficult under the best of situations but with my work situation being well to be blunt "sucky" things are extra hard.

I don't want to rely on SI. I told my best friend that I felt like I had finally conquered cutting but it was like a shadow that was closely following me. I didn't see it as I thought the problem was long gone but the moment that things got really hard that shadow snuck up on me. Now it's over shadowing me. It's all I see.

People may disagree with me but for me cutting is an addiction, and I guess like any addiction even someone with a year "sober" is still vunerable to relapse. I'm not sure why I'm posting this post. I'm not looking for advice, I'm not looking for comfort, and I'm not looking for strategies to help combat this problem. I wish I had some wisdom to pass on, but I'm afraid I don't. I guess I just needed a safe space to talk. To express myself. Thank you for taking your time to read this.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Are you still seeing a therapist, or seeing a therapist again, kelsey? Are you taking any medication(s) currently?

 

[kelsischanging]

Dr. Baxter,
I still currently see a therapist every 2-3 weeks. I'm also on Seroquel (dose increase about 2 weeks agoO), tegretol, celexa and klonopin. Seroquel has been a good medication for me so I"m hoping the increase in dose will soon start to be effective.

 

[Daniel E.]

Does your therapist directly address the self-injury or does he see it as a secondary issue? I mean, in DBT, for example, they really focus a lot on self-injury prevention rather than dismiss it as something that will improve when other symptoms improve.

Also, have you considered seeing your therapist more frequently now that you are under more stress?

 

[kelsischanging]

I don't think my therapist sees it as as secondary issue. I might see if I can see him a little more reguarly now that I'm struggling. My work schedule makes that a bit difficult but it can probably be done.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hey Kelseym,

I don't SI, but I do react to stress with anxiety (or I suppose one could suggest SI is a way some people deal with anxiety)... When I get extra anxious, I don't SI but I will either eat more junk/comfort foods, lose sleep, get more irritable and sad, and cry (and not just get teary-eyed but break down hands-shaking and probably freaking people out more than I'm freaked out lol)... And although I used to do a tiny bit of SI when I was an adolescent, I don't now. I had suicidal thoughts and hopelessness in my early teens (usually because of something my mother was doing) or in my 20s because I was so lonely.. I only had one thought of harming myself back in 2008, but it wasn't like it I was going to act on it... I just visualized it, because of something that happened while I was on stress leave from work... (work had caused my stress, and wasn't doing anything about it, and they assigned some jerk to call me and harass me for applying for another job and take away my benefits/sick leave, even though the Labour Board said it was perfectly within my rights to do so if my employer didn't do a damn thing to help me)...

So I haven't acted on anything since I was in my teens.

But I agree with that suggestion to increase sessions when you're stressed out. I haven't seen my therapist for issues since 2008 but some circumstances made me feel completely out of whack at work. I didn't have SI or suicidal thoughts, I just felt like I was spinning out of control. It felt good to see a therapist again! 8) Seems so safe, ya know?