A break up that needs to finally happen

[Mary]

I should probably break up with someone I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life with, Right? I have tried to break up with him a few times over the past 9 years but keep getting lured back. Sometimes by guilt because he doesn't really have anyone else. Sometimes because he talks about having children together.

I don't feel like I have a family except for him. I do have friends who will help me if I need it. For some reason for a long time I didn't think I did. Recently, my closest friend suspected I might need an escape and offered to help. She's assured me I can live in her house and have use of one of her cars she never uses. It is a great opportunity. I should take it. But I just don't know how to do it.

I have broken up with him so many times in my head, but just kept living as if everything was ok. He's going to be wreak just like all the other times. Only this time it isn't after he freaks out yelling at me over stupid stuff which is when I have broken up with him before. This time it will seem out of the blue to him.

Also, he is out of the country for the next 20 days. I don't know how or when to tell him when he gets back. I'm so accustom to living with him but not being happy about it, it almost seems better to just keep living this way. I just can't deal with all the yelling and drama that will come with the break up. I just don't know what to do.

I love him in the way you'd love a member of your family. He's been there for me in the way family is supposed to. I've never had a better friend. But I also can't stand many of his personality traits, I've just tolerated them for years.

 

[Yuray]

Is couples counselling an option, or personal therapy?

 

[LuckyCharms]

That sounds like you are enabling an unhealthy relationship for both of you. You're unhappy. And by staying there, you're ultimately giving him false hope. Don't stay there just because he'd like to have children...that would be unfair to put kids into an unhappy environment. And it would complicate your relationship with the guy even further, and make separating even harder. Divorce is one thing...divorce with children is an intricate minefield that seldom results in fairness to either party (let alone the kids' best interests).

My advice would be 1) Be honest with him that you find the relationship to be lacking (just don't blame him or yourself and tell him your feelings and needs). Let him know that you're willing to work it out, if he is. 2) If he's willing to work with you on building a better relationship, then try couples' counseling for awhile. 3) If it's inevitable (for example, you have completely different desires in life, or you're simply unhappy with him) then do the best thing for both of you, and break up. Breaking up is going to hurt, yes, undeniably. BUT sometimes it's best to cope with some hurt for awhile, versus digging a deeper hole and being miserable long-term.

Good luck.

 

[forgetmenot]

wow i think open communication okay don't do this out of the blue talk to him Tell him perhaps seperation for awhile is necessary that you will be staying with a friend
I agree it is not fair to him or yourself to stay in a relationship that does not bring you joy. You said you care for him the talk to him okay lay everything out in the open.
I do think a councillor will help you and him see more clearly which route would be best for the both of you hugs

 

[Emmie]

I saw this blog post on my Facebook page. It really helped me out, and I think you also might find it informative!

http://blog.thistoo.co/blog/2016/7/7/how-to-tell-your-spouse-you-want-a-divorce

 

[amazingmouse]

There is a lot of advice on the net and off the net on this topic and some of it might be interesting to hear/process.
It is helpful to remember that when it comes to personal or intimate relationships. there is no "one size fits all" guidance that could be employed. You need to take into consideration many other factors, that might not be relevant to anybody else, but you. This is why it takes a lot of time for people to analyse their relationships or to get anything out of psychological counselling. Most good therapists I have seen usually do not jump to conclusions or giving advice immediately, due to the complex nature of intimate partner relationships. While, I personally found this annoying at the beginning, it was also highly appreciated in the long term. Marriage and divorce is between two people, and regardless of who else is involved, it remains a lone endeavour between you and your partner. You are the only two people with all the information and needs and values. All you can do is gather the right tools to move on with your personal decisions.