I need a little input on a medical problem of my wifes that has caused great depression for me. Over the last nine years certain relations shall we say have been next to impossible or unpleasant with my wife because of pain and other things. I tried to be a good husband but the lack of intimacy just drove me away. Over time i crawled back into myself and did not communicate with her because she showed no interest in me. Of course the only way I knew to get her attention was by drinking and other stupid stuff which did not help so I became more depressed. I offered to help her by taking her to appointments and so forth but it did not seem to matter. Long story longer we are know having big time problems in our marriage. My friends keep telling me it is not your fault because she is not helping herself completely. Ifeel like I was a pouting husband who caused the whole thing. Does this make any sense to anyone. By the way I know there are many forms of intamicy but she took the all or nothing frame of mind over the years. The emotional thing about this is doing my depression wonders. Take Care
- Thread starter paul
- Start date
Hi Paul,
First and foremost, I'm sorry you're going through all of this.
Few questions - Do you want to salvage this marriage? Or, have you already decided that you want or need to walk away from it?
If you want to save it - have you considered counseling for the both of you?
And I'll just add one thing - difficulties in our relationships are always difficult. I tend to really believe that each party has usually had his/her part to play in it. If you want to save this marriage, I hope you'll consider not trying to attribute blame on one or the either but rather, focus all of your attention on reaching common goals....Much support to you Paul.
First and foremost, I'm sorry you're going through all of this.
Few questions - Do you want to salvage this marriage? Or, have you already decided that you want or need to walk away from it?
If you want to save it - have you considered counseling for the both of you?
And I'll just add one thing - difficulties in our relationships are always difficult. I tend to really believe that each party has usually had his/her part to play in it. If you want to save this marriage, I hope you'll consider not trying to attribute blame on one or the either but rather, focus all of your attention on reaching common goals....Much support to you Paul.
Into The Light
MVP
i too think it matters where you want to go from here. marriage is hard work at times and it sounds like you've hit a big low in yours. i think if you both want to make this work that counselling would be very beneficial and very well worth the effort. having a third party there helps you both understand each other a bit better and where the other person is coming from, and makes it easier to find a solution to the difficulties you are having.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
:agree: You say you were taking her to appointments, I would assume to "fix her". What about appointments for both of you to "fix us"? Have you considered this or discussed how she would feel about this?
Paul,
As others have asked, the first question is what are your expectations and hopes for your marriage.
I've read your post and there are some questions that come to mind.
Are you talking about painful intercourse or diminished libido (sexual desire)?
By getting her attention, do you mean under these conditions she becomes sexually responsive? Is alcohol abuse an issue for you?
Has your wife been seen by a gynecologist who could evaluate for any physical abnormalities, or medical conditions that might require treatment; and/or have you consulted a marriage counsellor or therapist in sexual dysfunction for help?
Your answers to these along with the questions asked by the others might help to give you some insights.
As others have asked, the first question is what are your expectations and hopes for your marriage.
I've read your post and there are some questions that come to mind.
Are you talking about painful intercourse or diminished libido (sexual desire)?
By getting her attention, do you mean under these conditions she becomes sexually responsive? Is alcohol abuse an issue for you?
Has your wife been seen by a gynecologist who could evaluate for any physical abnormalities, or medical conditions that might require treatment; and/or have you consulted a marriage counsellor or therapist in sexual dysfunction for help?
Your answers to these along with the questions asked by the others might help to give you some insights.
amastie
Member
Hi Paul,
I too could only recommend couples counselling and I'm struck the sensibleness of Steve's questions.
If you have shared important times with your wife in the past, proper counselling and help for you both to overcome the reasons for the breakdown in your sharing would seem to be the best way back to that all-important, intimate sharing which must start at the level of trust and sharing before it can include physical intimacy as well.
I wish you all the best
I too could only recommend couples counselling and I'm struck the sensibleness of Steve's questions.
If you have shared important times with your wife in the past, proper counselling and help for you both to overcome the reasons for the breakdown in your sharing would seem to be the best way back to that all-important, intimate sharing which must start at the level of trust and sharing before it can include physical intimacy as well.
I wish you all the best
Let me give a little more info. and try to answer some question that were asked. Yes I want to save my marriage and yes I have been going to counseling for the last 7 months. My wife finally went a week ago and it did not go well . She basically said she did not want to put anymore into the marriage and the couselor shrugged her shoulders and told me I needed to come back to get through this. When I left I felt like it was all my fault and my wife is aware of this. On the medical side after 5 doctors and nine years my wife was diagnosed with vaginismus. She was told by 3 of these doctors and 2 physical therapists that counseling with this would help alot. But she will not go because quote I am not nuts. Please understand that I spent countless hrs web searching and etc. trying to find help when we could not get it, but when I brought stuff up that I had found I was either ignored or snapped at saying you do not understand. Believe me I am no angel and am not perfect I made plenty of mistakes we all do. The one thing I have learned through counseling is drinking does not help so I have cut that down considerably (2 drinks occasionaly) and be happy with yourself. Hopefully I have answered some questions. Be good and think positive
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
If that is truly how she feels and not merely a defensive reaction to being questioned or feeling attacked, there is really little that you can do. Two people working to reconstruct a relationship have a good prognosis for success. One person working alone does not.
Paul,
I am sure you are familair with the term, but for those follwing the discussion and unfamiliar, here is an overview of the condition of vaginismus as decribed on medicine-net.com. Further insights into painful intercourse (dysparunia) are provided at Mayo Clinic.com
What treatment options were offered by the professionals you consulted?
Unfortunately it seems your wife may be concerned about the stigma of consulting a therapist, despite the obvious need for help.
Do you have any insights into whether your wife may have experienced some traumatic event in earlier life that may be at the root of her disorder?
Does she feel comfortable with her gynecologist or family physician? If so, perhaps you could enlist their help in explaining her treatment options, to help allay her fears and to help her overcome her misunderstanding of therapy.
How would you explain her blanket refusal to consider therapy, with her misunderstanding that "you have to be nuts" to see a therapist?
Is there family pressure, community prejudice or previous bad experience?
Paul, have a look, perhaps together with your wife, at the Psychlinks section with articles and discussions on "Attitudes, Myths and Awareness"
I am sure you are familair with the term, but for those follwing the discussion and unfamiliar, here is an overview of the condition of vaginismus as decribed on medicine-net.com. Further insights into painful intercourse (dysparunia) are provided at Mayo Clinic.com
What treatment options were offered by the professionals you consulted?
Unfortunately it seems your wife may be concerned about the stigma of consulting a therapist, despite the obvious need for help.
Do you have any insights into whether your wife may have experienced some traumatic event in earlier life that may be at the root of her disorder?
Does she feel comfortable with her gynecologist or family physician? If so, perhaps you could enlist their help in explaining her treatment options, to help allay her fears and to help her overcome her misunderstanding of therapy.
How would you explain her blanket refusal to consider therapy, with her misunderstanding that "you have to be nuts" to see a therapist?
Is there family pressure, community prejudice or previous bad experience?
Paul, have a look, perhaps together with your wife, at the Psychlinks section with articles and discussions on "Attitudes, Myths and Awareness"
amastie
Member
Paul,
I'm so sorry for your preciment and of course, your wife's. It must be very hard and hurtful for her.
I wonder if she's angry at the thought of seeing a counsellor, if she would see a medical doctor. She would get the same advice but might associate it with "being mad". A doctor could refer her to a speciaist woman's doctor, such as a gynocologist who *also* works with your wife's complaint (hopefully) or who can at least refer her for specialist counselling - which she might accept more easily from such a female doctor.
IN the end, however, as David said, if she wants out then there's not much else you can do;
Ask her if she wants out because she is scared of seeing a counsellor or because she doen't love you? If she loves you then there is still hope :support:
I'm so sorry for your preciment and of course, your wife's. It must be very hard and hurtful for her.
I wonder if she's angry at the thought of seeing a counsellor, if she would see a medical doctor. She would get the same advice but might associate it with "being mad". A doctor could refer her to a speciaist woman's doctor, such as a gynocologist who *also* works with your wife's complaint (hopefully) or who can at least refer her for specialist counselling - which she might accept more easily from such a female doctor.
IN the end, however, as David said, if she wants out then there's not much else you can do;
Ask her if she wants out because she is scared of seeing a counsellor or because she doen't love you? If she loves you then there is still hope :support:
In regards to a tramatic event i really do not know if there is or is not. The specialist that we saw was from the Mayo Clinic and told her what she needed to do. Exercises use of dialators and help for your mind were all explained to her but she only does the exercises. Part of the problem could be her family kind of snickered when she told them what she needed to do. Throw migraines in with this problem and her mood swings can be difficult. I can honestly say I do not know for sure what she wants. one day she is happy go lucky touchy feely and talkative the next day forget it. We have discussed seperation and divorce but know one wants to take the lead. Right now I am doing what it takes to keep me mentally sound for me and my children. But after so many years of depression it is getting very hard to keep up the pace. I do not play the blame game any more because we both are taking some responsibility for what we did and did not do. It gets very hard to know what to think when she tells you, you are a great person and father any woman would be lucky to have you and you deserve better. Thank God for my wonderful young daughters they make me smile more and more since I finally realized what I have done to make myself a better person in the last 7 months. Have a great day
Paul,
Unfortunately many people are so uncomfortable with discussing some subjects such as sexually related topics, that as a cover for their discomfort they react in the way her family did.
Your wife probably feels some guilt about her disorder, add to that the fact that the subject of sex is likely a taboo topic inher family, and then she gets a demeaning reaction from them and one can only speculate on how she must feel.
Perhaps you might propose treating one thing at a time, such as dealing with the migraines you talked about. She may or may not actually have migraine (unless she has been specifically diagnosed with migraine) but if she has, migraine has a high liklihood of being treatable.
There may be a hormonal component related to her headaches, and by seeing a neurologist, perhaps working with her gynecologist they might discover a relationship between both disorders.
I see your pain and frustration, Paul. It would seem your first decision would be on the future of your relationship.
Then, if you and your wife decide to pursue treatment options, it may help your relationship and your wife's confidence to keep your plans and treatment details to yourselves and not share the information with family and others who may have difficulty being understanding, supportive and sympathetic.
You have some of the best expertise at Mayo, and I hope you find the resources you need to help your family's quality of life.
Steve she has been diagnosed with migraines and does take medication when needed. My counselor tried to get me understand how she feels what if it was me with lets say ED. I understood what she was talking about after I gave it some hard thought. I know my depression did not help at all. I grew up in house where my dad did very little talking, he kind of kept to himself. I can honestly say what bugs me the most about the whole deal is I did what was asked of me. I went to counseling,started exercising and became a more thoughtful and caring person. At our 1 and only together counseling she told me I was not me it was like I was putting up a front. Keep in mind this has been going on for several years. I guess I was not there emotionally for her, but how can you be when you are constantly pushed away. I know why she will not do anything sexual with me one she is scared of the pain and so forth. And the second she does not feel connected. Thank you all for your advice and support
I believe that mindset may help in dealing with your relationship, if you both decide to work it through.
You may want to talk with your counsellor about different ways of intamacy in your marriage and alternate methods to intercourse, to attain sexual gratification in your marriage.
Sex therapists can help you out in this regard, in couples counselling, as they do with many couples where one or both partners have some form of sexual dysfunction.
We at one time had worked on other forms of being close but that stopped also. It just got worse and worse and being a man who could not fix her, made me sad and helpless. Right now I am not holding my breath on saving this marriage but I am trying my best. The only good thing about this is that I finally realized that I needed to get my act together and be a good father take care of myself mentally and quit being such a stick in the mud.
Paul,
Have you seen a doctor to get help dealing with your own pain and depressed mood?
Regardless of what the future might bring, you need to keep your own physical and mental health in check.
We are always told by the experts, that we cannot change the behaviour of others, but we can manage, control and change our own behaviour.
Do you have someone you can see for yourself?
Have you seen a doctor to get help dealing with your own pain and depressed mood?
Regardless of what the future might bring, you need to keep your own physical and mental health in check.
We are always told by the experts, that we cannot change the behaviour of others, but we can manage, control and change our own behaviour.
Do you have someone you can see for yourself?
Yes Steve I do see a doctor about my depression and am on medication. I was seeing a counselor but I am going to change to a different one. This time I am going to do my research to find the right one. One who actually looks at me when I am speaking and actually seems concerned with my thoughts and feelings. As weird as this seems this may be the most happy I have been with myself in years(losing 60 pounds did help) Be good people
amastie
Member
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