David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Maybe you just don't want to have to sit home by yourself every evening... I assume at work he has people he works with? How is it fair that you can't spend time with your friends?
- Thread starter David Baxter PhD
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Yeah, I know, but things have to be done around the house and when I'm at work, he's at home, doing things.
So, shouldn't I be doing the same?
And he doesn't have a lot of friends, very few, but I can make friends relatively easy, when I try, and I'm beginning to feel bad about that now, don't know why, but I just feel sad for Ken, like I need to help him, tell him that everything will be okay, I'll be there for him.
Do I sound stupid??
So, shouldn't I be doing the same?
And he doesn't have a lot of friends, very few, but I can make friends relatively easy, when I try, and I'm beginning to feel bad about that now, don't know why, but I just feel sad for Ken, like I need to help him, tell him that everything will be okay, I'll be there for him.
Do I sound stupid??
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
It doesn't take 24 hours a day to take care of a house and no one should be working 24/7 -- we all need time to restore ourselves, nourish our social selves.
He may prefer to spend his spare time at home away from other people -- maybe he's shy or finds being around people stressful. But that clearly isn't true for you...
Going out to have fun with your friends isn't betraying him, or not "being there for him"... but he doesn't need you to "be there for him" when he's not there, does he?
You don't sound stupid -- you sound sad and frustrated and I don't find it difficult to understand why. I think you are condemning yourself to loneliness and an unhealthy lifestyle because of a misguided sense of duty or loyalty.
He may prefer to spend his spare time at home away from other people -- maybe he's shy or finds being around people stressful. But that clearly isn't true for you...
Going out to have fun with your friends isn't betraying him, or not "being there for him"... but he doesn't need you to "be there for him" when he's not there, does he?
You don't sound stupid -- you sound sad and frustrated and I don't find it difficult to understand why. I think you are condemning yourself to loneliness and an unhealthy lifestyle because of a misguided sense of duty or loyalty.
Thank-you so much for responding, I stopped crying for a few minutes, man, I sound so pathetic...I don't cry that often.
According to Ken, it does take 24 hours a day to care for a house, he's a very serious man, but every now and then, he can be so much fun, and I want to capture that.
I know I'm not betraying him when I go out with friends, but there is my head and my heart, and Ken means the best, you just have to understand him, he can be very manipulative, but it's OBVIOUS, he doesn't hide it like most people, I know he's full of bs when he tells me how pretty I am, I know he has a motive, other people are so much more subtle. Okay, I'm way off topic, but I've stopped crying and the beer is almost done. Maybe I can make it to bed without hurting myself.
According to Ken, it does take 24 hours a day to care for a house, he's a very serious man, but every now and then, he can be so much fun, and I want to capture that.
I know I'm not betraying him when I go out with friends, but there is my head and my heart, and Ken means the best, you just have to understand him, he can be very manipulative, but it's OBVIOUS, he doesn't hide it like most people, I know he's full of bs when he tells me how pretty I am, I know he has a motive, other people are so much more subtle. Okay, I'm way off topic, but I've stopped crying and the beer is almost done. Maybe I can make it to bed without hurting myself.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Sleep well, Mary. And tomorrow, think about making some changes -- you don't need to go out every night, but you don't need to stay in by yourself every night either.
This is about Ken, he grew up with alcoholic parents. My parents didn't drink that much, except for my Dad, and that was only on social occasions, and occassionally after work. I don't know what I'm trying to say, other than I feel like a loser and I wish I had a friend.
As you can tell from my last e-mails, Ken doesn' like me having friends, not in an abusive way, he just feels left out, God, I'm such a loser.
As you can tell from my last e-mails, Ken doesn' like me having friends, not in an abusive way, he just feels left out, God, I'm such a loser.
ThatLady
Member
It's not right, in my opinion, for anybody to resent anybody else's having friends, hon. You may not look at it as abusive, but it is in a way. It's controlling. Nobody should have control over another person's life to the point where having friends is considered an act of betrayal.
Ken needs to deal with his problems with developing friendships. He needs to own those problems, you don't. You have to be responsible for yourself and your own happiness first. Otherwise, how can you be there for him...or for anybody? A drunken, crying person isn't really able to help anybody, including him/herself.
Take care of yourself first, Mary. If you're not the best you can be, you can't help bring others into their full potential.
Ken needs to deal with his problems with developing friendships. He needs to own those problems, you don't. You have to be responsible for yourself and your own happiness first. Otherwise, how can you be there for him...or for anybody? A drunken, crying person isn't really able to help anybody, including him/herself.
Take care of yourself first, Mary. If you're not the best you can be, you can't help bring others into their full potential.
Thanks for the advice, sorry to ramble on last night, but I guess alcohol isn't known for bringing out the best in people. I know what you're trying to say and I have been trying to do things a bit different, I guess I just slipped up last night...but it's not the end of the world, I can start again today.
Thanks again, I really do appreciate the help.
Thanks again, I really do appreciate the help.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Try this, Mary...
Start keeping a journal - it doesn't have to be anything elaborate to start - just a short note each day to keep track of:
Start keeping a journal - it doesn't have to be anything elaborate to start - just a short note each day to keep track of:
- did you think of drinking today at all?
- if no, what was happening today? was it a good day or bad day, happy or sad, lonely, or bored? calm or stressful? were you angry? hurt?
- if yes, what was happening today? (all of the above)
- if yes, did you act on the thought? or were you able to resist the urge? if you resisted, how did you do that? if you didn't resist, did you try to and not succeed?
Hi,
Thanks for the information. I have tried keeping a journal before and I didn't have too much success. But I'll try it again.
I was wondering however, does keeping a journal work for everyone? I've never been much of a writer and I find it hard to do, I never seem to have the words or the patience.
Thanks again,
Thanks for the information. I have tried keeping a journal before and I didn't have too much success. But I'll try it again.
I was wondering however, does keeping a journal work for everyone? I've never been much of a writer and I find it hard to do, I never seem to have the words or the patience.
Thanks again,
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
It doesn't need to be the great American novel or anything, Mary... in fact, you could set it up in tabuaar form, the way David Burns does it for his mood log (see Resources section). Or just make it in point form even:
Example:
Example:
or...
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Not sure about the fish... maybe use a dustbuster instead? ;o)
ThatLady
Member
Everybody knows you've gotta comb fish! 
.
Mary, I drink often also. My husband recently passed away. I have reduced my drinking alot, but I still go out in the evenings and drink with friends because it is better than being alone. When my husband first died I was drinking anywhere from 5-6 Korbel and diet cokes a night, and chasing those withshots of 100 proof peppermint scnapps. On my36th birthday I passed out on my toilet (dont laugh) I did a tea kettle and fell right on my head. The next morning I awoke and started shaking/sweating and getting very dizzy. I was scared and went to the hospital. I had a concusion and the Dr. was doing the same type of tests on me that he did on my husband before he passed away( he had a stroke ect) I have tremendously cut back on my alcohol intake. I dont drink hard liquor anymore, anyway. My point is that even a small change is a good one. And I would like you to try something. Next time you feel to say / post a negative thing about yourself, that is fine, however for each bad thing you say (example: I am a loser) I want you to think of one thing you truly like about yourself, and share it with us. In time you will maybe see that if you change your thoughts , your feelings will follow .
Good luck and be safe.
Mary, I drink often also. My husband recently passed away. I have reduced my drinking alot, but I still go out in the evenings and drink with friends because it is better than being alone. When my husband first died I was drinking anywhere from 5-6 Korbel and diet cokes a night, and chasing those withshots of 100 proof peppermint scnapps. On my36th birthday I passed out on my toilet (dont laugh)
I did a tea kettle and fell right on my head. The next morning I awoke and started shaking/sweating and getting very dizzy. I was scared and went to the hospital. I had a concusion and the Dr. was doing the same type of tests on me that he did on my husband before he passed away( he had a stroke ect) I have tremendously cut back on my alcohol intake. I dont drink hard liquor anymore, anyway. My point is that even a small change is a good one. And I would like you to try something. Next time you feel to say / post a negative thing about yourself, that is fine, however for each bad thing you say (example: I am a loser) I want you to think of one thing you truly like about yourself, and share it with us. In time you will maybe see that if you change your thoughts , your feelings will follow .Good luck and be safe.
Thanks Suezer. I'm sorry about your husband, that must have been quite a blow and I wish you all the best. I appreciate your comments, they're very insightful and I will keep them in mind. Sometimes I find it hard to think of myself in a positive way, I've made a lot of stupid choices - I've never been a victim - everything that has happened to me has been the result of choices I've made which leads me to conclude that I'm not a very a worthwhile person. But I'll try to think of something positive and if I do, I'll let you know.
"On my36th birthday I passed out on my toilet (dont laugh)"
I would never laugh, as I think know how you feel. I've been going to AA for the past few months and it's been going alright. I've had four slips in total but they say to "keep coming back", so I do. I wanted to stop drinking because I would like to start a family. I'm able to stop drinking while I'm pregnant but I'm worried about what I'll do once I'm not pregnant. I wonder how long it will take before I start justifying a drink or two or three, etc.
I had a very rough weekend. I spent it with three old high school friends. One of these friends, D, doesn't like me very much and didn't want me along and she made sure I knew how she felt. There were constant digs at my lack of children, my education, my marriage, my lawn, everything. I didn't drink the first night because I didn't want to. I was worried I would get angry and say something I would regret or I would just cry all night. And in the end, I didn't drink. It was the next day (Saturday) that I slipped. What's strange is that I felt good on Saturday, I thought the day had gone reasonably well and D had been kind of nice to me. But when I came home I drank some vodka I had bought during the day. I didn't get rip roaring drunk but I got buzzed. The following day (Sunday) I had a visit with my friends in the morning before they left the city, after which I went into a tailspin. I had errands to do in the afternoon but I couldn't stop crying, I kept running the weekend over and over in my head and remembering all the negative things that were said. I ended up buying some beer and getting buzzed again but not too bad and I still couldn't stop crying.
Looking back I guess could have done things different, I could have focused on the positive stuff, the weekend wasn't all bad and we did have some fun. I also could have gone to an AA meeting but the thought never even entered my head. I was just so upset that I couldn't see anything straight. Maybe I just wanted to wallow in self-pity. Anyway, Sunday was just a very bad day but I'm glad it's over and I'm starting to feel somewhat normal again.
But thanks again for your input Suezer , take care and you be safe too.
"On my36th birthday I passed out on my toilet (dont laugh)"
I would never laugh, as I think know how you feel. I've been going to AA for the past few months and it's been going alright. I've had four slips in total but they say to "keep coming back", so I do. I wanted to stop drinking because I would like to start a family. I'm able to stop drinking while I'm pregnant but I'm worried about what I'll do once I'm not pregnant. I wonder how long it will take before I start justifying a drink or two or three, etc.
I had a very rough weekend. I spent it with three old high school friends. One of these friends, D, doesn't like me very much and didn't want me along and she made sure I knew how she felt. There were constant digs at my lack of children, my education, my marriage, my lawn, everything. I didn't drink the first night because I didn't want to. I was worried I would get angry and say something I would regret or I would just cry all night. And in the end, I didn't drink. It was the next day (Saturday) that I slipped. What's strange is that I felt good on Saturday, I thought the day had gone reasonably well and D had been kind of nice to me. But when I came home I drank some vodka I had bought during the day. I didn't get rip roaring drunk but I got buzzed. The following day (Sunday) I had a visit with my friends in the morning before they left the city, after which I went into a tailspin. I had errands to do in the afternoon but I couldn't stop crying, I kept running the weekend over and over in my head and remembering all the negative things that were said. I ended up buying some beer and getting buzzed again but not too bad and I still couldn't stop crying.
Looking back I guess could have done things different, I could have focused on the positive stuff, the weekend wasn't all bad and we did have some fun. I also could have gone to an AA meeting but the thought never even entered my head. I was just so upset that I couldn't see anything straight. Maybe I just wanted to wallow in self-pity. Anyway, Sunday was just a very bad day but I'm glad it's over and I'm starting to feel somewhat normal again.
But thanks again for your input Suezer , take care and you be safe too.
~EvaneScence~
Member
Hi Mary, I new to this site, but after reading some of your posts, I feel I have a lot in common with you. I'm trying to stop drinking too...and keep slipping. Drinking has actually gotten me into alot of trouble since I turned 40 a year ago....because of drinking, I was arrested for the first time in my life...have to go to court...I'm on probation....have to see a psychiatrist...and am now being treated for anxiet and depression. Then everyone thought I'd be all better on medication...but I still had my cravings for alcohol...and I binge drink....I want to stop...and know all the bad stuff that has happened to me this past year is my fault because...once I start drinking...I always want one more and can't seem to control it anymore...I have alot to lose if I don't change...my husband of 20 years and my 13 year old daughter....I just need to talk to people that are struggling with the same issues as me...thanks for listening... ~Keea~
~Keea~Hi there,
I agree completely, it is good to talk to other people that understand.
Have you tried AA? I go and it does help. I had to visit a few groups before I found one that I was comfortable in. I find it supportive and it gives me hope. I see people from all walks of life and they all have one thing in common, an inability to drink alcohol responsibly. I never feel judged or ridiculed at meetings. And I can be honest at meetings, I don't have to lie anymore, they've heard it all.
I still have a long ways to go but I now know that it may be possible to change. I still feel overwhelmed and guilty and angry and scared but they tell me that eventually I'll feel better. That no matter what life throws at you, it's better to catch it sober than drunk.
Thank-you for listening and I wish you all the best.
Take care and be safe.
I agree completely, it is good to talk to other people that understand.
Have you tried AA? I go and it does help. I had to visit a few groups before I found one that I was comfortable in. I find it supportive and it gives me hope. I see people from all walks of life and they all have one thing in common, an inability to drink alcohol responsibly. I never feel judged or ridiculed at meetings. And I can be honest at meetings, I don't have to lie anymore, they've heard it all.
I still have a long ways to go but I now know that it may be possible to change. I still feel overwhelmed and guilty and angry and scared but they tell me that eventually I'll feel better. That no matter what life throws at you, it's better to catch it sober than drunk.
Thank-you for listening and I wish you all the best.
Take care and be safe.
~EvaneScence~
Member
thanks
Hi ,
Thanks for writing back to me and listening. I haven't tried AA, because I feel uncomfortable around people that I don't know. When I was getting treated for my anxiety/depression in the begginning of this year I was duel-diagnosed and they put me into a few meetings. I was quiet and nervous, but heard many people that were like me. ..but being at home now...I don't feel comfortable going anywhere to talk...because my family will still think I'm still ill. It was a big step for me to have to see a psychiatrist (because of my anxiety disorder). My problem is that with being on probation, I'm not supposed to be drinking at all and I feel guilty. My problem is that my husband wants things normal again, so when we go out to restaurants he thinks I'll be ok if I have 2 or 3 beers...and I am ok, but then it makes me want more....he doesn't understand at all....even after all that I've been through this year. Again, thanks for listening...I wish you the best also and you take care too.
Hi ,
Thanks for writing back to me and listening. I haven't tried AA, because I feel uncomfortable around people that I don't know. When I was getting treated for my anxiety/depression in the begginning of this year I was duel-diagnosed and they put me into a few meetings. I was quiet and nervous, but heard many people that were like me. ..but being at home now...I don't feel comfortable going anywhere to talk...because my family will still think I'm still ill. It was a big step for me to have to see a psychiatrist (because of my anxiety disorder). My problem is that with being on probation, I'm not supposed to be drinking at all and I feel guilty. My problem is that my husband wants things normal again, so when we go out to restaurants he thinks I'll be ok if I have 2 or 3 beers...and I am ok, but then it makes me want more....he doesn't understand at all....even after all that I've been through this year. Again, thanks for listening...I wish you the best also and you take care too.
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