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just mary

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Nov 3, 2004
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754
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Hi,

I decided to give AA another shot today. I've been to meetings before but I usually just scoot in at the last minute and skulk off afterwards, no one ever said boo to me. Today was different, I came in a little early and right off the bat I had four or five people say hello and one even asked me to sit beside her, so I did. The meeting went okay, I felt incredibly uncomfortable and I didn't understand half of what everyone was saying. But I managed to stay the whole meeting and even say a few things. At the end of the meeting a couple of people asked if I wanted to go for breakfast and I said yes, normally I would have said no and just run away but this time I swallowed my fear or pride or whatever and just went. It was nice, I felt awkward at first but they made me feel really comfortable and I could be honest about my drinking, they didn't judge or look down on me, it was a relief but then I did something really stupid, I left without paying for my food.

It hit me about two hours after I got home, I realized I just left the restaurant and completely forgot about paying. There were still people at the table so the waitress must have assumed the others were paying for me. I just met these people this morning, and I stiffed them! I can't believe I did that, fortunately I had a phone number of one the people there, I called her and left a message but the damage is already done. I don't know where my mind was. All I can think is that "first impressions are lasting impressions", they all probably think I'm a thief now. I don't know what to do.
 

HA

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Hi Mary,

I'm so glad you made this step!

My thoughts are that you are feeling more guilt than need be for a mistake in thinking that all of us have made at least once in our lives. My daughter and I were out one night and we left without paying our bill. I did not even think about it until the next day! I was concerned the waitress would have to pay for it and called the club and apologized and brought the payment in.

At some point you will all laugh together over this I'm sure. This is not something that makes a lasting bad impression. It makes for good humour though. If you had done this purposefully with no intention of repaying or appologizing then that's a different story. That would leave a lasting negative impression.

I am doing the happy dance for you!
clear.gif

Cheers
 

just mary

Member
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Nov 3, 2004
Messages
754
Points
16
Hi HeartArt,

Thanks so much! I just hope I can keep going. I'm so tired of it. It's just figuring out what to do when I'm not drinking, trying not to think how lonely I feel and just how distasteful I find myself, how ugly and disgusting. Sorry, I don't want to be so negative but I just feel like I'm being honest when I think of myself in those terms.

But I really hope they/we can all laugh about it someday. It just seemed like such a stupid move, these people who don't even know me, invite me out to lunch, listen to me and really seem to care and I stick them with the bill. Man...

Thanks again HeartArt, I truly appreciate all your support and understanding.

Take care.
 

ThatLady

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Just go back to the meeting, hon. You'll see those people again, and you can all have a laugh at your faux pas. Things like that happen, and most people have had something equally embarrassing happen to them, so they understand. Just own up the next time you see them and maybe you can put a little extra into the pot for the next breakfast. :eek:)
 

just mary

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I looked into my faux-pas a bit further and no one seems to remember paying for my lunch. I also called the restaraunt (good idea Heartart) and they have no outstanding bills. Which just gives me a creepy feeling.

But I have been back to other meetings, with other people, and I just feel odd. I have cocaine and crack addicts sitting beside me. What to I do??? I drink too much beer. I don't have a problem, I should quit my whining. I feel so stupid. I was sitting beside a woman tonight who was telling us about her friend's addiction moving from cocaine to crack and all I could tink was "how sad, why am I taking up so much space at this meeting when this woman's friend needs it so much more, just deal with it Mary!!!!" I'm an idiot. I know, it's negative, and I apologize. But, as they say, if you can't be a shining example maybe you can be a dire warning.

Thanks.

M.
 

ThatLady

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Sweetie, just because you're not addicted to crack doesn't mean you don't have a problem that is just as distressing to you and those you love, and who love you. Whether you drink beer or bourbon doesn't matter. If you drink too much on a consistent basis, you have a problem. That problem, sooner or later, is going to interfere with your ability to lead a happy life. Therefore, you're just as entitled to caring, understanding help as any crack addict. Both of you are suffering, and both of you matter.
 

just mary

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Thanks ThatLady, you're right. I think I was just having a bad night and I was feeling kind of sorry for myself. But my mood has changed again and I'm ready to give it another try.

Maybe it's part of my problem but I find myself going to meeting after meeting, looking for the "perfect group" or the "perfect sponsor" and I can't seem to find either. I feel like Goldilox, this one is too big, this one is too small but I can't seem to find one that is "just right". But I guess I'll have to keep trying as it's kind of nice not to be hungover all the time.

Take care and thanks again for all your support.
 

just mary

Member
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Messages
754
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Hi,

I officially quit drinking last Sunday, June 25, 2005, that's when I took my 24 hour chip. I had been going to meetings for two weeks prior to my "dry date" but I had a taken few drinks here and there during that period (12 to be exact). Anyway, I took my 24 hour chip and told my husband K. about it. He was good, very understanding, he didn't get upset that I hadn't told him sooner and he seems to support my attendance at meetings. I held off telling him just in case I decided not to continue on with AA which is also why it took me so long to take my 24 hour chip.

The first week being sober went alright and then it hit, that desire to have a drink. I remember it so well, I was talking with K. about what we were going to do for the day and all of a sudden I really, really wanted a beer. Fortunately, he's been home since then and not at work, in other words, I haven't been alone for any period of time and I can't drink since I don't want to drink in front of him since I told him I was quiting. I look at him as an external control, I guess just don't want to "lose face" (that's an odd term, I hope I'm using it right). I still haven't taken a drink but the thought of never drinking again keeps swirling around my head.

I really haven't found a sponsor, someone offered to be one but I don't feel as though we have much in common. I'm still not sure what to do about the sponsor thing. It all goes back to asking for help, I hate it, I just feel so weak and I know I shouldn't. My head tells me that asking for help takes strength but another part of me disagrees, it's like a big lump in my throat.

Actually, as I write this I'm starting to think of all the stupid things I've done when drunk, how bad it feels afterwards, the physical damage, the emotional crap, the lies, what to do with the empties etc. Maybe I can stop.

Thanks very much to Dr. Baxter and everyone on this forum, it truly helps, you're all pretty amazing people to spend the time and energy helping others.

Many thanks and take care.
 

HA

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Congratulations Mary!

You should be very proud to be on such a good road to recovery. I can imagine that it is a great deal of hard work.

I quit smoking and it sounds like the same kind of cravings you have for alcohol. It does get easier. With smoking it was wanting one every hour and it took months before this became a fleeting thought versus "I need it now!" kind of thought. Thoughts are easier than cravings. With nicotine I know I can never have one puff for the rest of my life. Been there done that and started smoking after quitting 4 times. This is a final quit for me though. I'm too old to fool myself by thinking it's not really hurting me.

Nicotine and alcohol are two different drugs but both are very powerful addictions. I used to tell me self how disgusting it tasted, smelled and felt to reverse the thoughts about how much I liked it. This was very helpful. I wonder if the same thing can be done with alcohol?

Cheers!
 

just mary

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Thanks HeartArt!

The compulsion to drink comes and goes. I've been having second thoughts on AA lately, so many of the members have such tragic stories that I wonder if I'm over reacting. For example, at an open meeting the speaker described how he accidentally shot someone while high on crack during a robbery, a lot of the people who were listening just smiled and nodded their heads, they seemed to be saying "been there, done that". I was shocked, I thought to myself that I could never understand what he's feeling, I could never "relate". But please don't misunderstand me, I wasn't judging him, I just don't think I could ever empathize with him. The thing is, most of the members have these types of stories and I just can't compete. And I have been able to stop drinking, it'll be two weeks tomorrow. And I'm thinking maybe I can do it on my own, maybe I don't need AA but at the same time I feel scared. What if I do start drinking again, what if I develop a tragic story? And I dreamt about drinking last night, I dreamt about getting drunk.

But congratulations HeartArt on quitting smoking! I've never smoked but I've watched friends try to quit and it looks so difficult. Your tips on reversing thoughts were good and I think I kind of do the same thing myself. I think thought reversal could be applied to so many areas of life, not just addictions. Somedays, living just seems like a mind game.

Thanks again and take care.
 

HA

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Mary,

I think I would feel the same way as you. Why not try another group in your area. A friend of mine told me that groups can differ vastly from one to the next. Another group may be a better fit for you.

Do these folks with drug addictions also have an alcohol addiction? I'm just wondering why they are at AA instead of NA. I think there is a difference in experiences between drug and alcohol addiction. You would not be robbing a store to have funds to buy your alcohol but on the other hand tragic things do happen--like drunk drivers and fatal accidents.

I definitely needed the support group I attended to quit smoking. I credit the support as the most important step in my quit. Keep the support of AA.

Cheers on your 2 wks with a non-alcohol drink!
 

ThatLady

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I was wondering the same think HeartArt was wondering. What are drug users doing in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings? The have Narcotics Anonymous, don't they? While I realize that some people have dual addictions, it still seems that it would do more good if each group had it's own circle of people with similar problems.

As for you, congratulations, hon! You're really doing some great work and should be very proud! You, too, HeartArt on quitting smoking!

Hurray for both of you! :-D
 

just mary

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Hi,

What are drug users doing in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings? The have Narcotics Anonymous, don't they? While I realize that some people have dual addictions, it still seems that it would do more good if each group had it's own circle of people with similar problems.

I thought the same thing and I know it sounds strange but they were AA meetings, not NA. All I could think was "AA, not just for alcoholics anymore". Anyways, I was about to give up and I decided to give it one more try. I found a group closer to home and it's quite small so I can't get lost in the crowd. This group seems a bit more kinder, softer, gentler, more alcohol focused, no narcotics were mentioned, so I'm kind of hopeful. I just find it very small, I can't hide, which is I guess is good, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Thanks to HeartArt and ThatLady for the kind words and encouragement, it truly helps.

Take care.
 

David Baxter

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Some places have fairly well established and well run NA groups but they don't yet have the reputation of AA in other places. As a result, some people prefer to go to AA, even though they have a problem with drugs as well as or instead of alcohol.

I think it's good advice to "shop around" a bit for a group that suits you with members who you can better relate to.
 

HA

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Mary,

I know a woman who just came to Toronto for an AA conference. Her and her husband struggled with alcohol addiction and came to the point of losing their marriage and many other valuable things when they joined AA. They have been alcohol free for 15 yrs. They are both very involved in AA and attribute it to making their lives meaningful.

When she was describing her struggles with alcohol, it was hard to imagine that she was talking about herself. Alcohol changes peoples behaviour in dramatic ways. They are such nice people and it's so good that they were able to get out of the grip of alcohol addiction.

http://www.aatoronto.org/

Found the above link when looking for the conference. It has information about the conference too.

Keep up the good work!
 

just mary

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Nov 3, 2004
Messages
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Thanks HeartArt, I checked out the link and it was very informative.

It's 30 days today and I feel really low. K is on his third night shift and I feel lonely and sad.

A neighbour came by last night and was quite angry at us for parking our car on the street, it's a public street but the car was in front of her house and she didn't like it. She told me that another neighbour was angry with her and yelling at her about the car but this wasn't true, as I went over to the neighbour to apologize and he had no idea what I was talking about. However, to make a long story short, I moved our car.

Anyways, I've been feeling awful ever since and I keep trying to tell myself that I'm blowing it way out of proportion but it doesn't seem to be working. I've been crying off and on all day and I've been thinking horrible thoughts. I feel scared and I feel like a loser. The woman is not threatening in the least (Ken said I could take her :) ) but I just feel so stupid and weak. I feel as though I was assualted and that I deserved it. I don't know how to explain it, I just feel lousy and I hate my life and if it were to end...that would be okay, I don't think I would fight my death. I'm not going to drink since I know drinking won't help. But I just look at my future and it all seems so stupid and pointless and sad.

I'm even afraid to go outside and I don't know why. I feel as though I've committed some horrible crime. The thing is, she is moving within the next month, so I won't have to deal with her ever again. I just can't figure out why I'm reacting this way, why it's affecting me so much. I just can't seem to let it go.

After all I just wrote, I now think I'm going to try and mow the lawn this evening, even if the thought makes me nauseous. I hate that woman.

Thanks.
 

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