More threads by g-scared


The other day I went to a party, and met this girl. She was so amazing, wild and free, and although she had a boyfriend she would flirt with other guys, but it seemed so natural. And granted it was her birthday, and we were all drunk, and she didn't go very far at all in her flirting, but it filled me with this sense of freedom. I remember when I used to be like her. I didn't have a care in the world. It was great.

The other day I was at work, and there were these guys building our furniture around us, while we tried to keep busy and meet deadlines, on projects that were due yesterday. I didn't even want to move because I was so stressed about finishing, that the guys were literally taking my desk apart while I drew away on CAD. They were all kinds of curious, I felt eyes over my shoulders. It was a little nervewracking. Then these two I had noticed before started taking some panels off the side of my desk, and asked where I was from. They were both Latino, and in just a few minutes we started talking in Spanish. We talked about the upcoming boycott, about architecture, etc... Then they start asking me what I like to do on the weekends. And my responses is ah... well I don't really go out much, I'm really lame actually. I just work all the time, and I've been trying to take care of a friend for a while. So, they keep asking, and then one of the guys asks if my friend was crazy, and I don't think he meant it in the way that it is true, but I kind of opened up to them. And it was like we were speaking this secret language and I was just telling them things I had not even dreamed of mentioning to my co-workers. We were all in the same room, but eveyone else was oblivious.

I'm really kind of torn because one of the guys was really cute, and asked me for my number. I told him I was kind of traumatized and not really ready to date, then I said that the friend of mine was actually a boyfriend who went crazy all of a sudden, and I had just kicked him out of the house a day ago. I wonder if these guys think I'm a huge liar or something. In any case, he gave me his number and I told him I might call in a couple of weeks or a month.

But I dunno what to do really. Ayy... it's so confusing because I care so much about this other kid. We've been so wrapped up with each other, but the truth is that our relationship is awful. We care so much about each other, but we can barely have a conversation because he's so psychotic. To tell you the truth, I cannot believe the kind of abuse I've endured sometimes. I understand now why children are separated from mentally ill parents, because living with someone that is sick and does not want to get better can really mess you up after a while.

Ahh well, I guess I'll just take it easy, and not worry to much. I'm kind of apprehensive about jumping into a relationship anyway. I think it would be so much better to just be free, and dance, or focus on work. But what about this guilt? I can't shake it off. It's like I want to be this other person, but then the old me will not know how to resolve the past, and they will just clash with each other. I need to find a way to resolve everything.

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Re: ambivalent

There isn't anything wrong with you trying to go out and enjoy yourself when you feel ready, g. Going out with him doesn't mean you are committing to a relationship with him or anyone else. Just make that clear - your recent relationship has traumatized you and you really just are not ready to jump into anything else. Forget relationships for a while and focus on having fun after all the stress.


Re: ambivalent

Heh. Sounds like you DO need to chill out, hon. Just get out there and make some friends, have some fun, and live some life! I think you'll be surprised at how much joy the world has to offer if you just reach out for it. :)
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