"Relationship" with an ambivalent woman

[Joseph]

I am in a strange situation with a woman. We met two months ago and she started sending me messages telling me that she likes me. We had coffee together a few times and we had a great time. She continued sending messages. When I was about to kiss her she told me that she do not want a relationship. I want one. I told her that I cannot be "just friend" as long as I like here and I left. In a few minutes she called me, I did not answer. After that she sent me a SMS saying "now when I want you, you do not want me? Sad". She is ambivalent all the time. She is acting like she likes me but when I get closer she rejects me. She told me that in her head are two messages: “he is nice, I like him” and “he is not the right one for me”.

She invites me to here place pretty often and I stay overnight. Sometimes we have sex, sometimes we only sleep together. She likes when I hold her in my arms while we sleep, she sometimes play with my hair and I (misinterpret?) that she has feelings for me. Still, while we are having sex is the only moment when I am allowed to kiss her.

I feel that the only thing we have together is sex. Last time when we had sex I told her that I like her and she replied that she does not like me, she only like the sex. I felt like sh**.

I dunno what to do. Should I stay or should I leave? I see that she is ambivalent, that is why I did not left until now. I suppose this is some sort of illness.. She is seductive and then she rejects me. When I am with her, sometimes I feel that she has some feelings for me and sometimes I feel like I am there only to help and entertain her.

I really do not know what to think or do and would like to hear your thoughts on this.

P.S. She considers me smart and, considering that we are having sex, I suppose that there is some attraction to. Then, why this behavior?

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Joseph,

Why would you want to be with someone who is 'ambivalent' about you? Why would you want to be with someone who isn't sure of her feelings for you? As you said yourself, you cannot be with friends with her because of her feelings for you. From reading your post, I get the impression that she's treating you as a friend 'with benefits'. There's nothing wrong with that, provided that both of you are on the same page. And, you're not...

 

[Joseph]

Yeah. I suppose that I was hoping that she will change her mind and she will accept a romantic relationship.

 

[Jazzey]

Yeah. I suppose that I was hoping that she will change her mind and she will accept a romantic relationship.

I know. But in the meantime, she's doing you a lot of harm..I know that the answer I've given isn't the one that you'd like to hear. You'd like to hear that she'll eventually recognize your value and fall madly in love with you. I guess for me at least, even if she were to fall in love with you now, she's shown you behaviours that, for me at least, would be difficult to forget later on.

 

[Joseph]

You are right. It is hard to accept the truth.. I do not like to be alone, maybe this is the reason why I am still "with her". At the beginning I was relatively OK with this but last night I felt sad when she told me that she only likes the sex.
I believe it is the time to face my fear of loneliness.

 

[Jazzey]

Well, and a good way to look at it Joseph is to recognize that, as long as you're with her, you won't be opening your eyes to other opportunities. You're accepting this now may very well allow you to get out there and meet the right woman for you.

 

[Joseph]

Yup, that`s true! Thanks a lot for your feedback.

 

[Hermes]

Hello Joseph:

I agree with what Jazzey says.

However, the key sentence in your post is "I believe it is the time to face my fear of loneliness. "
IMO this is at the heart of the matter. Whether it is this woman or another, it is not a good idea to seek someone out for a relationshipof the type you have in mind just because of loneliness. We have to feel at home with ourselves, and our aloneness times, and not be constantly seeking. Indeed the more one seeks very often the less one finds!
It is then that we attract healthy people and healthy relationships into our lives, when we are at ease with being alone.

I do hope you have friends, activities and other things to fill your life meantime.

Good luck
Hermes

 

[Lana]

Hey Joseph!!

I think Jazzey's given you fantastic feedback.

As for loneliness: if you're with a wrong girl (or one that is ambivalent) chances are loneliness will become your friend also. But as Jazzey said, being unattached (alone...which is not the same thing as lonely) you're making yourself available for other opportunities. So see? Nothing to worry about!

 

[Joseph]

OK. I have decided to change our "relationship". She called me 5 times yesterday and I did not answer. Today we met at work and she asked why I did not answer the phone. I told here that I was busy. She was not content with the answer and asked me a few more times later on.

I did not tell her the truth because I do not want to make her guilty for how I feel. It is not her fault that I felt bad when she told me that she do not like me and she only likes sex.

So, here is my question... How can I tell her about how I feel without projecting the quilt on her? I knew that she only wants sex from me so it is not her fault.

 

[Hermes]

Gee, Joseph, if she said she does not like you and only likes sex, well, what can I say! Not to be too blunt here, but in that case a battery-operated BF would do her just as well, if you get what I mean.

So OK, you knew that is all she wanted from you. So, perhaps just have a straightforward talk with her, and tell her you are looking for a different type of relationship, and that perhaps so does she. No reason why that should make her feel guilty, and in any case if she does feel guilty, that is her emotion, her problem, not yours. We cannot be responsible for - or indeed second-guess in advance- what another person is going to feel.

It will be all right, Joseph.

Good luck
Hermes

 

[Jazzey]

What guilt? You're being honest with her. Tell her that you've given it a lot of thought and, this arrangement doesn't suit what you want right now. Period. Given what she's stated to you recently, I don't think any guilt would be involved. Just two adults looking for someone to suit their needs, etc...

As long as you're being honest with her, I don't think that any guilt is involved. Guilt only comes into play if you're playing games with her - e.g.: shunning her calls in the hope that she'll change her mind or something. As long as you're doing this for the right motivations - there is no guilt to be had from either one of you.

 

[Joseph]

Sometimes I care to much about how others feel and perceive me. I have sent her an assertive e-mail in which I told her how I feel and that I am not OK with what is happening between us. I feel sad to admit that she is not the right person for me but that`s it. I have to face the truth.

I only had long time relationships until now, she was my first f**k buddy. I experimented a bit and learned new things about me.. I came to the conclusion that I can only enjoy long term relationships. Another thing that I knew was that it is not a good idea to be friend with a woman I am attracted to. With this one, because of her ambivalence, I accepted. I had the illusion that she is going to "wake up to the reality". Well, this is her reality, this is what she want/need and I want something else. I woke up to MY reality.

 

[Jazzey]

Yes. And there's absolutely everything right with your determining what exactly it is you want in your life. While I really appreciate why you're concerned about her, you did nothing wrong. You're just deciding what it is that you want and, this isn't it.

 

[Llepke]

"Why would you want to be with someone who is 'ambivalent' about you?"

sometimes the heart doesnt do what the brain tells it to

and sometimes people only want what they cannot have, one guy who was once pursueing me a long time ago, telling me how enamored he was, completely lost interest after I caved into him

and when ever I am totally into some guy, wouldnt ya know it, that is when I get hit on. If I could have wrapped my brain around that logic, I might have ended up with somebody awesome, but nooooo, stupid me thought I was "in love" so blew off the awesome guy ugh now who's kicking themself, me

 

[Joseph]

Maybe I was (am?) trying to get/earn her love because I am alone and she is the only target for now.. Anyways, I am aware that if I would be with her she would not give 50% in the relationship and I would not like this and would end it.
So, I have to go out to pick up women.