Amethyst Perspecti
Member
I've been thinking about this site for a while, building up the nerve to post. It's difficult to confess, I usually try to distract myself when I will.
Here it is. Don't know where to start so I'll begin with the obvious.
I have agoraphobia. It's fairly recent, began around late August '05, and it gave me a lot of time for retrospect and introspect. I've done a lot of research and philosophized like a moron. Forgive me if my thoughts are scattered.
I'm 19, live in Northern California. I haven't spoken physically since midsummer. For as long as I can remember I've had depression and "ignored" it. I guess it catches up. I developed a paranoia and insomnia soon after which I fell in love with. I guess one becomes accustomed to such things that it becomes normal. Through my depression I developed an interest in personality disorders. I'm not sure why. I think the knowledge did more harm. As time passed, I began to show obsessive compulsive tendencies (washing my hands 10 times a day with soap and very hot water, fear of doorknobs, a paranoia induced ritual in which I thoroughly inspect a room upon entering, and I assume others I'm not aware of).
Sometimes I feel so lonely, I stay up watching TV, sometimes losing myself in fantasies of everyday life. Interruptions makes me want to break something as my heart twists. I've been to the edge of seeking help, the words on the tip of a pen, yet I pussy out at the last second and distract myself with video games, message boards, TV, whatever makes me stop thinking.
I know I'm going to regret this post tomorrow. No need to reply.
Here it is. Don't know where to start so I'll begin with the obvious.
I have agoraphobia. It's fairly recent, began around late August '05, and it gave me a lot of time for retrospect and introspect. I've done a lot of research and philosophized like a moron. Forgive me if my thoughts are scattered.
I'm 19, live in Northern California. I haven't spoken physically since midsummer. For as long as I can remember I've had depression and "ignored" it. I guess it catches up. I developed a paranoia and insomnia soon after which I fell in love with. I guess one becomes accustomed to such things that it becomes normal. Through my depression I developed an interest in personality disorders. I'm not sure why. I think the knowledge did more harm. As time passed, I began to show obsessive compulsive tendencies (washing my hands 10 times a day with soap and very hot water, fear of doorknobs, a paranoia induced ritual in which I thoroughly inspect a room upon entering, and I assume others I'm not aware of).
Sometimes I feel so lonely, I stay up watching TV, sometimes losing myself in fantasies of everyday life. Interruptions makes me want to break something as my heart twists. I've been to the edge of seeking help, the words on the tip of a pen, yet I pussy out at the last second and distract myself with video games, message boards, TV, whatever makes me stop thinking.
I know I'm going to regret this post tomorrow. No need to reply.