Anger is taking control

[HotthenCold]

Hello,

not sure where to start so....
I'm ****************ed off, and my anger rarely subsides now. It just sit's near the surface, and I can't keep it in when people do something rude or inconsiderate. I can't seem to feel good around people, they always trigger my anger. I probably percieve a lot more threats than their actually are, but that doesn't seem to dilute the potency that situations, percieved or not, have in triggering my anger. I know it could be just my imagination, and even if it's not, I know I should "brush it off" but I can't seem to, and believe me I've tried. Strangers make me mad, mostly other guys with their constant chest pounding hostile b.s. I don't see why they can't just leave others alone and not always be making situations into contests and confrontation.I honestly think that it's partly because I'm somewhat "pretty" looking, as concieted as that sounds, and since I don't look "manly" enough, people think it's okay to take shots at me since I'm obviously just a wimp. I'm not small, but I don't look like a "manly man" should. It's pretty infuriating, to have to deal with peoples judgements and constant insults because of how I look. I know I should avoid situations where this can occur, but that means not leaving my house. Even people close to me make me angry .My g/f like's to poke a lot of fun at me, from taking shots at my worth, my manhood, and calling me gay to get under my skin( I know there's nothing wrong with being gay, but if someone says it meaning it as an insult it still hurts that they want to insult you at all). When i ask her not to she usually act's insulted like I should know she's joking, but I can't belive there's no form of malice or maniuplation behind her words since she says insulting or degrading things like that so much. Like the more i resist her passive agressive attacks and stand up for myself, the harder she attacks. I can't help but feel like it's some type of control tactic.
I need a punching bag really bad....

 

[Lana]

Re: It's taking control...

Hi HotthenCold;

Buy the punching bag. If you're in Canada, it's about $100 at Canadian Tire and from what I heard, a good inveestement.

As for people...Unfortunately, we can't change them. What we can do, is change how we react to them, or not react at all. It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that there's a bit of an insecurity issue, at least as far as phisycal appearance is concerned. Another thing is that you will meet lots of people in life that use b.s. There are competitive people also. Try to remember that most of such behavior stems from insecurities also. So really, the competition that you spoke of can be seen as "Who's most insecure and needs approval of the masses" Secure people don't engage in such behaviour. They don't need to. Those are the ones you want to focus on.

Bottom line, figure out what triggers you and if it's something you can change within yourself, do it. And use the punching bag. Who knows, you may like it and be inspired to become the next Bruce Lee.

 

[HotthenCold]

ya, I definitely have some insecurity with how I look. I know it sounds like crap, but I've had so many people tell me that I look like that and treat me "accordingly". I have tried to change how I react to them, it's just tough when it's like as constant as gravity.
I had no idead punching bags were so cheap. I just might have to get one.

 

[Lana]

Here's the link for you
Canadian Tire Boxing Gear

I'm sorry, what do people tell you you look like?? Did you mean "pretty"? And what is wrong with being pretty? You know, one other option is to use humor. It's a great way to diffuse a situation and let people know that you're not taking it too seriously without making things awkward or uncomfortable. There is a joke that reminds me of that:
When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

 

[HotthenCold]

lol, that's a good one. but ya, people say I look pretty, a.k.a "non-masculine". Nothing wrong with it per se, until people start laughing at you and making remarks about your percieved personal strength(not physical, but that supposed quality that "real men" have). I know that to brush it off would be the strongest thing I could do, but I've reached a breaking point and people just hit a nerve when they treat me disrespectfully when I haven't done anything to them. I know I'm paranoid and probably quite self absorbed, but at the same time I know that it's not all just in my head, and I have used many tools such as humor and just reminding myself of the bigger picture, but it still sucks me in a lot of the time.

 

[braveheart]

I just wanted to say that I can relate in lots of ways to what you describe. Although the root is different - rejection and ridicule by my peers for many years at school, which leaves me with lots of anger when people don't seem to notice I exist. I'm small and thin, and always have been, and always will be, and there's lots of pain tied up there.

 

[Lana]

Just tell them they're not your type when they make comments like that.

Small and thinn is not a bad thing. I'm on the other side of the fence, tall and not thin

I know how people can judge a person just by how they look. When I lost a lot of weight, I had people that rarely even acknowledge me flock to me to tell me how great I look. You'd think that I'd like that, but I really didn't. I'd then spend half an hour ranting to my therapist that I'm the same person I was when I wasn't thin. I still have an issue with that.

Recently, a male coworker made a comment to me about how I looked (and I looked great ) at work and I haven't worn the same outfit, or anything similar, since. Worse then that, I've become very indifferent to him and have barely spoken to him since. I think I even gained a bit of weight. And it still bugs me to this day that he did that.

It is unfortunate that todays society puts so much value into looks. But as I said, we can't change them, we can only work on ourselves.