foreignfish
Member
I've read a lot about BPD recently but sometimes I have difficulty making the connection between clinical descriptions and actual real-life experiences. I've read a few case studies and been stunned at the similarities between them and my life, but often get confused about the other details...
I was wondering if anyone suffering from BPD could share their story and experiences with me, so I can better understand what BPD is?
For most of my adolescent life I have had mental health issues of some sort. I've always struggled with social interaction - oddly, I've almost always been over-average in popularity and friends, but for me it is a constant struggle to relate to and be friendly towards other people. I look at other people and am baffled by how easily friendship and relationships come to them. I feel its emotionally and physically draining to be around other people for too long, because I am constantly trying, and almost always in a degree of discomfort, not feeling "right" in my skin, so to speak. Not sure who I am or how to express myself.
I've also recently noticed that I'm extremely ambivalent towards a lot of my friends and family - at times I'm overcome with gratitude for having them in my lives, jealous of all their good traits, and love for them, and other times all I'm aware of are their flaws and want nothing to do with them.
I have mood swings, so much sometimes that it lead me to believe I was bipolar in the past (I no longer think that, because the duration of the moods are too short) - I just get so restless and irritable, or depressed and despondent, then suddenly I feel fine again. I often feel empty, or like everything is so meaningless... I frequently feel very guilty for taking my life for granted, and feel undeserving of it.
I have had suicidal thoughts, but nothing I would seriously act on. At times I feel extremely confident and think I have a great personality and am very attractive - other times I feel the opposite, finding myself boring and uninteresting and just average. I feel like I don't know how to express how I feel, and generally am the one listening to my friend's problems, not vice versa. I tend to take care of my close friends and console them, while never or rarely letting them do the same for me. I feel like a lot of my emotions and attachments to people are transitory - one second they're very intense and believable, and a few days later I'm indifferent, or even repulsed. I'm completely romantically dysfunctional - I always rush into relationships too quickly (physically and emotionally) and scare the guy off. My last boyfriend didn't call me for a few days and I became frantic, called him 6 or 7 times, sent him texts and emails demanding why he was ignoring me... I think I frightened and annoyed him so much that he broke up with me.
I also noticed that in romantic relationships I can be very manipulative, almost in a mean way. If a guy I'm seeing wants to change or postpone plans, I'll get disproportionally annoyed and sometimes lie and say I'm busy later, forcing them to keep the original plans if they want to see me at all. Even when I'm doing it, I realize its childish and unnecessary, but I can't seem to stop myself. I get extremely uneasy when I'm not in constant contact with a boyfriend, and if we don't make plans in advance I get paranoid and assume we won't be hanging out ever again. I tend to be very impulsive and jump into bed with guys too easily, regretting it later.
When I was younger I used to cut, I've been into a lot of drugs (ecstasy, coke, weed, shrooms, ketamin, ritalin, acid, speed etc) and have been a heavy drinker since I was 15. I think I drink mainly to cope with the social unease - I frequently drink before dates or social gatherings, or sometimes just alone out of boredom.
I've had a history of sleep problems, leading me to abuse OTC drowsy medications and prescription sleep aids, basically whatever I could get my hands on. And finally - I've noticed that when I feel like my life is out of control, I "cope" by starving myself. In highschool I had an especially bad episode of self-starvation where I went months and months eating less than [edit: specific number] calories a day. I've had a few smaller relapses, but recently I've been feeling so bad, mostly because I feel hopeless about my lack of social skills, that its happening again. I never eat more than one small meal a day, and in the past fews months I've lost about [edit: specific number] lbs.
I also have a history of extreme paranoia, especially about my imminent death, or about people secretly disliking me and purposely ignoring me. I've been better recently but I used to have pretty bad hypochondria and have panic attacks about having cancer or rare degenerative nerve diseases, and go to my doctor demanding CAT scans and physicals (so much in fact that I annoyed her greatly, and she put me on anti-anxiety meds that did absolutely nothing).
From what I read about BPD, it seems like a lot of these problems fit. The starvation, drug/alcohol abuse, promiscuity, social/relationship problems, random mood swings, paranoia. I have no idea why I'm like this or how to fix it. If you guys read through that novel thank you!
I'd really like to hear your stories or any insight, and what you have done to help yourself. I know I should probably see a therapist asap but I'm just in the beginning stages of accepting there is something wrong. Its really really hard for me to even write about this here, let alone tell anyone in real life. Anything you can say to help would mean a lot. Thanks
I was wondering if anyone suffering from BPD could share their story and experiences with me, so I can better understand what BPD is?
For most of my adolescent life I have had mental health issues of some sort. I've always struggled with social interaction - oddly, I've almost always been over-average in popularity and friends, but for me it is a constant struggle to relate to and be friendly towards other people. I look at other people and am baffled by how easily friendship and relationships come to them. I feel its emotionally and physically draining to be around other people for too long, because I am constantly trying, and almost always in a degree of discomfort, not feeling "right" in my skin, so to speak. Not sure who I am or how to express myself.
I've also recently noticed that I'm extremely ambivalent towards a lot of my friends and family - at times I'm overcome with gratitude for having them in my lives, jealous of all their good traits, and love for them, and other times all I'm aware of are their flaws and want nothing to do with them.
I have mood swings, so much sometimes that it lead me to believe I was bipolar in the past (I no longer think that, because the duration of the moods are too short) - I just get so restless and irritable, or depressed and despondent, then suddenly I feel fine again. I often feel empty, or like everything is so meaningless... I frequently feel very guilty for taking my life for granted, and feel undeserving of it.
I have had suicidal thoughts, but nothing I would seriously act on. At times I feel extremely confident and think I have a great personality and am very attractive - other times I feel the opposite, finding myself boring and uninteresting and just average. I feel like I don't know how to express how I feel, and generally am the one listening to my friend's problems, not vice versa. I tend to take care of my close friends and console them, while never or rarely letting them do the same for me. I feel like a lot of my emotions and attachments to people are transitory - one second they're very intense and believable, and a few days later I'm indifferent, or even repulsed. I'm completely romantically dysfunctional - I always rush into relationships too quickly (physically and emotionally) and scare the guy off. My last boyfriend didn't call me for a few days and I became frantic, called him 6 or 7 times, sent him texts and emails demanding why he was ignoring me... I think I frightened and annoyed him so much that he broke up with me.
I also noticed that in romantic relationships I can be very manipulative, almost in a mean way. If a guy I'm seeing wants to change or postpone plans, I'll get disproportionally annoyed and sometimes lie and say I'm busy later, forcing them to keep the original plans if they want to see me at all. Even when I'm doing it, I realize its childish and unnecessary, but I can't seem to stop myself. I get extremely uneasy when I'm not in constant contact with a boyfriend, and if we don't make plans in advance I get paranoid and assume we won't be hanging out ever again. I tend to be very impulsive and jump into bed with guys too easily, regretting it later.
When I was younger I used to cut, I've been into a lot of drugs (ecstasy, coke, weed, shrooms, ketamin, ritalin, acid, speed etc) and have been a heavy drinker since I was 15. I think I drink mainly to cope with the social unease - I frequently drink before dates or social gatherings, or sometimes just alone out of boredom.
I've had a history of sleep problems, leading me to abuse OTC drowsy medications and prescription sleep aids, basically whatever I could get my hands on. And finally - I've noticed that when I feel like my life is out of control, I "cope" by starving myself. In highschool I had an especially bad episode of self-starvation where I went months and months eating less than [edit: specific number] calories a day. I've had a few smaller relapses, but recently I've been feeling so bad, mostly because I feel hopeless about my lack of social skills, that its happening again. I never eat more than one small meal a day, and in the past fews months I've lost about [edit: specific number] lbs.
I also have a history of extreme paranoia, especially about my imminent death, or about people secretly disliking me and purposely ignoring me. I've been better recently but I used to have pretty bad hypochondria and have panic attacks about having cancer or rare degenerative nerve diseases, and go to my doctor demanding CAT scans and physicals (so much in fact that I annoyed her greatly, and she put me on anti-anxiety meds that did absolutely nothing).
From what I read about BPD, it seems like a lot of these problems fit. The starvation, drug/alcohol abuse, promiscuity, social/relationship problems, random mood swings, paranoia. I have no idea why I'm like this or how to fix it. If you guys read through that novel thank you!
I'd really like to hear your stories or any insight, and what you have done to help yourself. I know I should probably see a therapist asap but I'm just in the beginning stages of accepting there is something wrong. Its really really hard for me to even write about this here, let alone tell anyone in real life. Anything you can say to help would mean a lot. Thanks
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