Are my parents still controlling me, even at the age of 32?!

[pinkpanther]

I'm 32 years old and live with my husband and two children.

My parents live about 5 minutes away from us - we see them every so often although I am starting to feel less and less like getting together with them, and have probably felt this way for a few years now. This is mainly to do with them constantly preaching their vegan and Christian (born again Christians as of a 3 years ago) way of life to us, but not only that, they are forever trying to force near enough anything down our throats if they think it's the right thing to do. I guess what has really tipped my patience and anger over the edge lately is my parents not only preaching their Christian and vegan-ism to us all, but actually taking my two children (aged 11 and 6) into a farm shop at the weekend and showing them the meat/hanging 'dead burning flesh' (their words) and then showing them the live animals outside and asking them which they would prefer seeing!!! We don't eat a great deal of meat - and always buy free range now, My children don't eat meat - yet - but I was hoping, given time they may choose to eat the same as us sometimes (their choice). They have also regularly taken them into church/bought them 'religious gifts' and poked their religion down their throats (and mine). I have told my parents before now that if they continue to preach I'm really going to have to reconsider whether I want to see them anymore - which I feel terrible about! I am just about at the end of my tether now, and seem to spend half of my life trying to work out how to deal with them, and what to say to them, and it's getting pretty depressing to say the least! It's still hard to tell them to keep their noses out - after all, they are my parents - and I don't want to upset them if I can avoid it. Having said that, if they weren't my parents I would have parted company a long time ago, no question.

I actually think there is quite a high chance of them not talking to me for a while as I have sent them a stern email - telling them exactly how I feel. I know they have received the mail because they have gone very quiet!! I know this is going to completely change our relationship - in fact, we went through similar a couple of years ago, and things haven't been the same since then so I'm worried this is going to completely end it. I guess they come across far worse than a lot of people because they are very 'preachy' people anyway. They make me feel like a child to be honest, and whenever I spend time with them, I always feel exhausted and depressed afterwards!

I wonder if this is why I find it difficult, if not impossible, to ever make a decision!? I have - and still do at times, suffer with pretty bad depression and anxiety.. I'm not totally blaming my parents for this of course, but I'm pretty sure they have a lot to do with it. Being assertive is very difficult, usually by trying I end up arguing with them or becoming upset and down with myself.

I'm sorry this is so long - it's difficult to get across in a few paragraphs what my parents are like - in a nutshell though, it seems they don't like the person I am, and seem to want me/my children to be like them.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Parents do often have trouble letting go - to them, you will always be their child, no matter how independent you become or how old you are - perhaps it's a way of continuing to feel needed in your life.

However, what you describe goes way beyond controlling parents. This is a problem with certain evangelical born-again Christians who believe that their faith is "the only true one" and that everyone needs to be converted to what they believe. I think you have done the right thing in drawing clear boundaries. Now they have a clear choice: comply with your boundaries or distance themselves from you and your children. You'll probably have to reinforce the boundaries or remind them a few times , or maybe several times, but it will be worth it in the long run. And if they choose to separate themselves from you and their grandchildren, as difficult as that might be for you, so be it - that will probably be an improvement over the current situation for you and your husband and children, at least.

FWIW, I think what they have been doing to your children is abusive and potentially traumatic. You are right to protect them.

 

[pinkpanther]

David, thank you - that's a very helpful reply. I will give them sometime to get back to me, waiting is the hard part however not knowing what their feelings are! I can't seem to think about anything else at the moment. If they choose not to back off then perhaps it will be a fresh start for us and I'll at least not have to dread seeing or speaking to them. Perhaps I need to look at it with positive eyes and not negative ones, otherwise i'm going to drive myself bonkers!

 

[Lana]

Hi PinkPanther and welcome to Psychlinks!
:hithere:

Your situation is very tough indeed and I agree with Dr. Baxter, you're doing the right thing in protecting yourself and your family by setting clear boundaries. I don't know how much time you have given that you have 2 little ones, but if you're a reader, there is a book called "Who's pulling your strings?" and the topic is manipulators, manipulative behavior, and how to deal with it. It also has some exercises at the back of the book to help reader learn to assert him or her self. It also attempts to address various manipulative situations, especially familial ones.

http://books.google.ca/books?id=wGb...a=X&oi=book_result&resnum=1&ct=result#PPR7,M1

 

[Halo]

Hi PinkPanther and welcome to Psychlinks :welcome2:

 

[ladylore]

:welcome: Pink Panther

 

[prayerbear]

I believe the way your parents believe, but there is a more tactful approach to sharing their faith with you.They seem overeager but you must see for yourself spiritual truths when you are ready!

My next door neighbors are people to be respected, regardless of how they believe. I used to put tracts in their mailbox until they said not to. To this day I honor their boundary-I even invited them to our church but they didn't want to go.I don't mention it again and continue to live the lifestyle out in front of them-I practice what I preach.

Ironically, we Christians on the workplace have felt non-Christian people try to cram their beliefs down our neck(sex outside marriage, living only for themselves, being their own "god"). I even worked for places that tried to push their New Age beliefs down my throat to the point I lost a few jobs due to nonconformity!

Personally when people get saved they experience deep peace, true joy, and filling an inner void that they try to fill otherwise and they give up misery, insecurity, depression, no inner peace, no solution to their problems!

I hope you keep an open mind!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Personally when people get saved they experience deep peace, true joy, and filling an inner void that they try to fill otherwise and they give up misery, insecurity, depression, no inner peace, no solution to their problems!

That's wonderful. Why make other people miserable by trying to cram that experience down the throats of other people who are happy as they are?

I hope you keep an open mind!

It would be nice if everyone could do that. Having an open mind means accepting and acknowledging that there is no one right way, no one right answer, no one correct position or solution, no matter what we are discussing. How many wars in recorded history would have been prevented had we all followed that basic rule?

 

[pinkpanther]

I think I have a fairly open mind, but I also just don't like being preached to about religion, or in fact about anything. If I want to learn or find out about something, then I will seek more information, but I don't appreciate people pushing and pushing. If somebody wants to be a Christian, and it makes them happy than that's absolutely fabulous and I'm genuinely happy for my parents if that's what they want. But by constantly poking it down our throats, I actually see it as a form of bullying! If this is what Christianty is all about then I think I'll give it a miss and just be me!

Incidentally, I really don't believe you need a religion to experience peace or joy, and since my parents became Christians I have experienced nothing BUT misery and depression! I don't need to abide by rules, or conform to a Christian way of life to be happy with myself or have inner peace.

 

[prayerbear]

You don't sound too happy if you feel that people are trying to "cram" religion down your throat!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Nobody is happy about having religion or anything else crammed down their throats. Did you honestly think they we all love meeting and greeting those Jehovah's Witnesses who like to disturb your quite weekends by knocking on your door univited?

 

[suewatters1]

What I once did DR Baxter to try to get rid of the Jehovah's Witnesses was put a sticker on my door saying I am a blood donor. They don't believe in receiving blood and stuff so that might stop them at times from knocking on your door.

Sue

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What I once did DR Baxter to try to get rid of the Jehovah's Witnesses was put a sticker on my door saying I am a blood donor. They don't believe in receiving blood and stuff so that might stop them at times from knocking on your door.

Sue