Are You a Hero or Victim?
by Tonya Leigh, Just B Living E-zine
January 7, 2009
Suzanne wakes up, and her very first thought is, “Thank you for a another beautiful day.” She walks to her bathroom mirror and thinks, “Not bad for a forty year old,” and winks at her self. She thinks about her day, looking forward to meeting a prospective client, then playing tennis with her kids in the afternoon. She carves out time for the things that are most important to her. Suzanne lives quite a charmed life.
Now, meet Lisa.
January 7, 2009
Suzanne wakes up, and her very first thought is, “Thank you for a another beautiful day.” She walks to her bathroom mirror and thinks, “Not bad for a forty year old,” and winks at her self. She thinks about her day, looking forward to meeting a prospective client, then playing tennis with her kids in the afternoon. She carves out time for the things that are most important to her. Suzanne lives quite a charmed life.
Now, meet Lisa.
Lisa wakes up, and her very first thought is, “Great. Another day. Here we go again.” She walks into her bathroom and gets really close to the mirror and thinks, “Crap...another line. Maybe I should get Botox. I wish I looked like Sharon Stone.” She secretly curses her body. She dreads her day before it even begins. She has a meeting with a prospective customer, but he will probably blow her off like everyone else. After work, she promised the kids that she would do something with them, but she really doesn’t have the time. She never has enough time. Lisa is overwhelmed and depressed.
Suzanne and Lisa seem to have very different lives, but in fact, they are the same person with very different stories.
Suzanne chooses to be the hero of her story, while Lisa chooses to be the victim.
If you are tired of the life you are living, then I suggest that you investigate what personal story you’ve been telling yourself and others.
When we reframe our past and present so that we are the courageous, brilliant and loving women that we are, our futures will take a very different course.
Here are a few tips to rewriting yourself as the hero:
1. Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses.
When I first start working with a client, I am always fascinated by how difficult it is for them to verbalize their strengths.
These are women who have graduated from Ivy league schools, raised children, published books, worked in the government, run their own businesses and are truly gifted gals.
Yet, they’ve spent many years focused on their weaknesses and telling themselves lies about who they are to the point that they are unable to see all of their unique innate gifts.
To become the hero of your story, start celebrating all of your wonderful strengths. In fact, right now, either verbally or written, list five things that you are super good at or that symbolize your own strength.
Please don’t lie to yourself and say that you don’t know. I’m not buying it, and neither should you.
2. Focus on the solution, not the problem.
If you watch any super hero movies, you will notice how much time the protagonist spends on trying to solve a problem versus complaining about it.
Sure, he may bitch and moan, but he is also in constant motion trying to solve the puzzle. While it may not be easy, he focuses his energy on his desired outcome.
Just notice how much time you spend fixated on the problem and not the solution, and then gently remind y ourself that you are a hero.
3. Focus on the lesson, not the mistake.
One of my clients, I’ll call her Jane, recently called me in tears. “I really screwed up,” she said. “I ate so much last night that I was physically sick,” she continued. “I’ll never be able to do this,” she went on.
I listened, and when she calmed down, I said, “This is great! So, tell me, what did you learn?”
“Well,” she paused, “I don’t know.”
Of course, she didn’t know. As long as she was fixated on the problem, she was blocking herself from the beauty of its wisdom.
After moving from being mistake focused, Jane discovered that she was extremely lonely, and food was the easiest company she could find. We worked on her mindset and devised an action plan for the next time she was in a similar sit uation.
She would have been robbed of this beautiful discovery had she continued to focus on her so-called mistake.
To be the hero, begin to learn from your experiences instead of constantly judging them.
4. Be grateful for your imperfections
Heros are very flawed, and that’s why we love them. Imperfections are actually what makes you so beautiful and interesting.
I don’t know about you, but I get nauseated when I am around a bunch of people trying to be perfect. First of all, it doesn’t exist, and secondly, it is so boring.
Even worse is trying to be one of those people (I know. I used to be one of them). It’s like tying shackles to your feet and trying to run a marathon. Super draining.
Embrace all of you, flaws and all.
5. Focus on the Present, not on Your Past
Most of the victims I know live in the past.
They create this terrible interpretation of their past that places them in victim mentality.
As one of those people, I know that I was unable to become my own hero as long as I was telling my same old story over and over.
Just like you can create a new heroic story, you can also retell your past to include the lessons that you learned on the way.
The past does not define who you are. You make that decision each moment of your life.
6. Focus on what you want, rather than what you don’t want
Victims spend a lot of time and energy focused on everything that they don’t want in their lives. While this is a great place to start when you have no idea what you desire, you don’t want to live your life in that space.
Eventually, to become the hero of your story, you will want to start considering what you d o want for your life and body.
Here are some great desires that I have heard recently from some of heroes:
I want to create my healthiest body ever!
I want to learn how to reconnect with my body.
I want to create wealth and abundance in my life.
I want to build a successful business.
I want to move my body every day with joy and excitement.
I want to willing to feel my feelings.
This is very different from the following:
I don’t want to be fat anymore.
I don’t want to be poor forever.
I don’t want to feel tired all of the time.
I don’t want to exercise.
I don’t want to live like this any more.
I don’t want to feel bad.
The hero creates the energy to fuel her dreams and that energy is a direct result of where she focuses her attention.
7. Know that you can reach your goals
Heroes seem to have this built in knowing that they can do anything they set their mind to.
My mom is one of those people. Even though she had polio at the age of three, and people doubted that she would ever be normal, my mother ended up being one of THE most talented and gifted women I know. If you tell her she can’t do something, consider it done.
When it comes to weight loss, I’ve noticed that many people give up before they even start, because the goal seems too overwhelming.
However, a hero knows that she can do it. She looks around and finds evidence as to all the reasons why she can, ignoring the messages that says its impossible.
This determination and knowing keeps you in a constant state of movement in the direction of your dreams.
When self-doubt and overwhelm creeps into your story, simply ask, “What would my hero do?” and I bet you will fin d your answer.
8. Don’t be afraid to break the rules.
Victims spend a lot of their lives abiding by the rules set in place by others, doing what they “should” do. The problem with this approach is that the rules are often ridiculous and never questioned.
I can’t think of a better example than the world of weight loss. My clients often arrive to our work together with a list of “should’s”.
Suzanne and Lisa seem to have very different lives, but in fact, they are the same person with very different stories.
Suzanne chooses to be the hero of her story, while Lisa chooses to be the victim.
If you are tired of the life you are living, then I suggest that you investigate what personal story you’ve been telling yourself and others.
When we reframe our past and present so that we are the courageous, brilliant and loving women that we are, our futures will take a very different course.
Here are a few tips to rewriting yourself as the hero:
1. Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses.
When I first start working with a client, I am always fascinated by how difficult it is for them to verbalize their strengths.
These are women who have graduated from Ivy league schools, raised children, published books, worked in the government, run their own businesses and are truly gifted gals.
Yet, they’ve spent many years focused on their weaknesses and telling themselves lies about who they are to the point that they are unable to see all of their unique innate gifts.
To become the hero of your story, start celebrating all of your wonderful strengths. In fact, right now, either verbally or written, list five things that you are super good at or that symbolize your own strength.
Please don’t lie to yourself and say that you don’t know. I’m not buying it, and neither should you.
2. Focus on the solution, not the problem.
If you watch any super hero movies, you will notice how much time the protagonist spends on trying to solve a problem versus complaining about it.
Sure, he may bitch and moan, but he is also in constant motion trying to solve the puzzle. While it may not be easy, he focuses his energy on his desired outcome.
Just notice how much time you spend fixated on the problem and not the solution, and then gently remind y ourself that you are a hero.
3. Focus on the lesson, not the mistake.
One of my clients, I’ll call her Jane, recently called me in tears. “I really screwed up,” she said. “I ate so much last night that I was physically sick,” she continued. “I’ll never be able to do this,” she went on.
I listened, and when she calmed down, I said, “This is great! So, tell me, what did you learn?”
“Well,” she paused, “I don’t know.”
Of course, she didn’t know. As long as she was fixated on the problem, she was blocking herself from the beauty of its wisdom.
After moving from being mistake focused, Jane discovered that she was extremely lonely, and food was the easiest company she could find. We worked on her mindset and devised an action plan for the next time she was in a similar sit uation.
She would have been robbed of this beautiful discovery had she continued to focus on her so-called mistake.
To be the hero, begin to learn from your experiences instead of constantly judging them.
4. Be grateful for your imperfections
Heros are very flawed, and that’s why we love them. Imperfections are actually what makes you so beautiful and interesting.
I don’t know about you, but I get nauseated when I am around a bunch of people trying to be perfect. First of all, it doesn’t exist, and secondly, it is so boring.
Even worse is trying to be one of those people (I know. I used to be one of them). It’s like tying shackles to your feet and trying to run a marathon. Super draining.
Embrace all of you, flaws and all.
5. Focus on the Present, not on Your Past
Most of the victims I know live in the past.
They create this terrible interpretation of their past that places them in victim mentality.
As one of those people, I know that I was unable to become my own hero as long as I was telling my same old story over and over.
Just like you can create a new heroic story, you can also retell your past to include the lessons that you learned on the way.
The past does not define who you are. You make that decision each moment of your life.
6. Focus on what you want, rather than what you don’t want
Victims spend a lot of time and energy focused on everything that they don’t want in their lives. While this is a great place to start when you have no idea what you desire, you don’t want to live your life in that space.
Eventually, to become the hero of your story, you will want to start considering what you d o want for your life and body.
Here are some great desires that I have heard recently from some of heroes:
I want to create my healthiest body ever!
I want to learn how to reconnect with my body.
I want to create wealth and abundance in my life.
I want to build a successful business.
I want to move my body every day with joy and excitement.
I want to willing to feel my feelings.
This is very different from the following:
I don’t want to be fat anymore.
I don’t want to be poor forever.
I don’t want to feel tired all of the time.
I don’t want to exercise.
I don’t want to live like this any more.
I don’t want to feel bad.
The hero creates the energy to fuel her dreams and that energy is a direct result of where she focuses her attention.
7. Know that you can reach your goals
Heroes seem to have this built in knowing that they can do anything they set their mind to.
My mom is one of those people. Even though she had polio at the age of three, and people doubted that she would ever be normal, my mother ended up being one of THE most talented and gifted women I know. If you tell her she can’t do something, consider it done.
When it comes to weight loss, I’ve noticed that many people give up before they even start, because the goal seems too overwhelming.
However, a hero knows that she can do it. She looks around and finds evidence as to all the reasons why she can, ignoring the messages that says its impossible.
This determination and knowing keeps you in a constant state of movement in the direction of your dreams.
When self-doubt and overwhelm creeps into your story, simply ask, “What would my hero do?” and I bet you will fin d your answer.
8. Don’t be afraid to break the rules.
Victims spend a lot of their lives abiding by the rules set in place by others, doing what they “should” do. The problem with this approach is that the rules are often ridiculous and never questioned.
I can’t think of a better example than the world of weight loss. My clients often arrive to our work together with a list of “should’s”.
Jillian said that I should not eat past 6 p.m.
I should eat 5-6 small meals a day.
I should put my kids’ needs first.
My friend said I should always eat breakfast.
I really shouldn’t eat pasta.
I should put my kids’ needs before my own.
The list goes on and on......
To become your own hero, you will be required to break the rules.
Will it be uncomfortable? Most certainly.
Will it be liberating? Without a doubt.
When you break the rules that were written by others, you allow yourself the freedom to explore and create a life on your own terms that honors your body and values.
________________________________________________
While “hero” may not be your word of the year, I would invite you to step up and become the hero of your story.
Tonya Leigh Williams is a coach, speaker, and writer. She is also the founder of Just B Living, a company dedicated to empowering women to create amazing lives and bodies without dieting, deprivation and drama. If you want to learn more about how to lose weight from the inside out, you can sign up for a FREE subscription to the Just B E-zine, you can click here: http://www.justbliving.com/signup.html
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