ASPD Relationships

[CKYMargera00]

I was wondering if anyone has a relationship with someone that has Anti-Social Personality Disorder and/or Narcissism? How do you make your relationship work??

I have been with my husband for 7 years and married for 5. He wasn’t diagnosed with anything until 2001, right before his 21st birthday. Sometimes I think our relationship can be so trying, that I honestly wonder if its worth it. Yet, other times its absolutely wonderful.

I have done so much research on ASPD and NP, that I could puke, so I know the warning signs and I am familiar with their personality traits. I know that it is extremely difficult to have a relationship with someone that has these personality disorders, but I am not willing to give up on my marriage. We worked extremely hard on everything and things had been so wonderful for about two years, of course we had the normal issues and problems that most couples have, but about a month ago things started sliding back into the same problems that he had in the past. Of course, now he’s attempting to make things better….

I guess my question is, how? What else can we do besides marriage counseling?? How do we make things better on our end here at home? Does anyone have any experience??

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I am not willing to give up on my marriage. We worked extremely hard on everything and things had been so wonderful for about two years, of course we had the normal issues and problems that most couples have

You are not willing to give up. You say "we worked extremely hard" but is that really true? Or was it the case that YOU worked extremely hard and he went along with you?

about a month ago things started sliding back into the same problems that he had in the past. Of course, now he’s attempting to make things better….

So what changed about a month ago? How is he attempting to make things better? What steps is he actually taking?

 

[CKYMargera00]

You are not willing to give up. You say "we worked extremely hard" but is that really true? Or was it the case that YOU worked extremely hard and he went along with you?



So what changed about a month ago? How is he attempting to make things better? What steps is he actually taking?

Honestly, I don't know. I thought we both worked so hard at making things work.....but maybe it wasn't us, it was me.

I don't know....he grew distant and cold....he his hold personality did a 180....I guess he's not attempting to make things better like I would like them to be....I would love if saw a professional...but hes not....

 

[sororlashtal]

Hi David. I was reading your post doing a search for husband with ASPD. Although my ex-husband has not been diagnosed as having ASPD I am well-aware that this is his issue due to the presenting facts of compulsive lying, lack of guilt, self-centeredness, anger/frustration and rage issues. I left him months ago and am a single mother now with an 8 month old child. Even though I am a counsellor and work regularly with assessing people for mental health issues I feel I am too close to this issue to make a judgment call and would welcome some clarification and outside perspective to "check myself". Every web-page I have read about ASPD and people who form relationships with them asserts that the non-ASPD person in the relationship suffers from low-self esteem. Is this your experience?

To be honest I tried to help this man for a full year and a half once he started exhibiting behavior which began when I was pregnant and left my job. I found out once I was pregnant he had a wife, and another girlfriend on the side. I was stuck in the relationship. I don't view myself as suffering from low-self esteem but I keep trying to find something wrong with me, maybe because of the way he has made me feel for so long (as if I had to walk on eggshells.) Its not that I want to blame myself, but I have had a few "bad" relationships in the past. Is there a pattern with ASPD partners? Is this something I should examine with more clarity? Any suggestions for learning from this experience? Any further suggestions on how to protect my son if the need arises in regards to his presenting issues? I finally left when he grabbed my son & deprived him of food in order to emotionally control me. Do the undermining factors, such as the constant lies, always changing footing, tend to destroy the partner's self esteem? I felt confident and sure of myself when I went into this relationship but I now can't trust anyone, and have other feelings like I have lost myself somehow? But I don't think I have low-self esteem.

I do feel a bit like an idiot falling for a man with obvious issues when I am supposed to be trained to see such issues. He was a good con artist.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's late here and it's been a long day.

However, I think looking through various threads in the Antisocial Personality Disorder, Psychopathy, and Conduct Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder forums here will provide some of the answers you seek (NPD and APSD are related disorders).

But as for the question about the partners of such people, I think if you look at it as a form of emotional abuse and emotional manipulation, and then look at the characteristics of women (or men) who are the victims of those sorts of relationship, you will likely find that this resonates with your experience. See Abuse, Domestic Violence, Child Abuse and Adult Survivors for more.

There's also a blog written by the former spouse of a narcisisst who writes about both NPD and ASPD and its impact on spouses: Sanctuary for the Abused

 

[sissybabe]

I'm no psychiatrist but I feel like you're talking about my ex-husband. He is a VERY good con artist and has been diagnosed with ASPD. Thank you for this post, I am going to check out the Sanctuary for the Abused that David posted below. I'm sorry that you've had to endure this pain. I am new to this forum but for the first time in years, I feel like I'm not alone.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Having been raised by a narcissistic mother and her also having some traits as a psychopath, I have learned that the problems weren't mine, they were hers.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but I separated myself from my parents in order to be confident, sane, and gain back some perspective of real life. When you are immersed as a child where everything revolves around the Narcissistic Parent, you end up being neglected or manipulated or worse. Do you really want to do all this work and possibly come to the realization that your spouse isn't just doing this to you but also to your children? My mom did some things that I never would have dreamed she was capable of, and for the longest time I couldn't bring myself to accept that my own mother COULD possibly do these things... Yet she did and she still does.

I have blocked my phone, email and Facebook account from my parents because my father supports everything my mother does. Makes excuses for her, says she's just misunderstood, makes us feel bad when we stick up for ourselves or doesn't say anything at all and lets her treat us kids like crap. He is blind to her issues because he was abused by his own Narcissistic father when he was growing up. He thinks the relationship is normal. Lots of people find that they enter into relationships that are similar... I learned that to survive in my own family I had to be passive and do all the catering to my mother and my dad showed me that. He showed me that it's okay to take abuse and bend over backward for someone to the point where you neglect your own needs and become some sort of emotional zombie. He stayed with my mom so I stayed with an abusive man in a relationship. I wanted to "fix" him because I was always trying to fix my mom, and I was trying to stay with him, no matter what because that is what I thought love was. But I was confusing love with pity, and confusing over-control from him as love. Because that's what my upbringing taught me was normal. I also was so afraid of living alone. I was more scared to be alone than to be with a drug addicted alcoholic controlling death-threat kind of man. Was.

I wish you well.