• Quote of the Day
    "For most people, transformation is slow. It happens without you realizing it."
    Marsha Linehan, posted by Daniel

poohbear

Member
Joined
Dec 31, 2005
Messages
200
Points
16
I read all this stuff, and am just wondering, how old are you, cheyenne? you sound exceptionally well read and educated...poohbear
 

Eunoia

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2005
Messages
785
Points
16
I?m fifteen years. Not very old

good for you for giving the note to your counselor Cheyenne... I think anyone would have been angry initially after being told that their parents would be informed but counselors, esepc. in schools, have to do this- again, espec. if someone is in danger or below a certain age.... and it sounds like the social worker may be a good person to talk to about this, so you're already so much closer than before!!!? :)?

how are things going?
 

Cheyenne

Member
Joined
Feb 18, 2006
Messages
56
Points
6
I gave her the note last Friday, but then Saturday some things happened with the police and I completely forgot everything she said about the social worker, so on Tuesday this week (School was cancelled Monday due to a snow storm) I dropped off another note first apologizing for getting angry and then asking if she would go over what she said about the social worker again with me. Today I got pulled out of first hour but when I went to the counseling center they had me meet with a different counselor, the other counselor explained that the counselor that I know and like was in the administration office and could not see me but wanted to follow up. I could not look at this counselor, focus, or talk at all for the entire time I was there, which was really only about two minutes (Not much to discuss when one of the people won?t talk?). At lunch I found the counselor from before and asked them to ask the counselor I liked to contact me today or after Spring Break. The counselor didn?t contact me today, so hopefully she?ll contact me after Spring Break because I?m really starting to freak myself out with this whole mess. And with a whole week where I won?t be doing anything constructive I don?t even know, though I do have driver classes all day up until Wednesday, from then ?til Monday I?m on my own. I?m quite pessimistic actually, and doubting that I?ll make it through the week probably makes it even less likely that I will.

How are you?? :)
 

Eunoia

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2005
Messages
785
Points
16
some things happened with the police
is everything okay?? I hope that whatever it was that it has worked itself out...

well, the good thing is that the counselor you liked hasn't forgotten about you and wanted to follow up to see how you are doing and probably to talk more about the social worker. considering that you and the other counselor didn't get very far and you specifically asked that the other one contact you, I think she will after spring break. if you haven't heard from her you could go back there too and ask to speak w/ her. is there an appointment set up for the social worker? you know, I remember being in h/s and feeling the same kind of dread when some kind of break was approaching, b/c I felt like I was losing my support system, my reason for being busy, and feared not being able to make it through however long the break was. yet surprisingly I did, and I think we have a lot more coping mechanisms than we think we do and it's scarry to remember that you will be okay, but most people will be. and I still find myself in these situations, having to wait a certain amount of time to hear back from someone or discuss something, but again, somehow it all works out. what might help is trying to come up w/ a plan of what you could do when you're not busy. you can't change the fact that you have to wait until after the break to speak w/ your counselor so you might as well use the time you have and do something w/ it... what are some things you always want to do but never have the time to do? even if it just sleeping in and relaxing... or working on a project for school or doing something creative (if you're into that sort of thing at all) for yourself, or reading a book, doing a massive clean up of your room (trust me, you can drag this out for a very long time!), maybe planning to meet up w/ some people now that you have more time? anything goes really. and I'm okay... thanks for asking.
 

Cheyenne

Member
Joined
Feb 18, 2006
Messages
56
Points
6
Everything's fine. As far as the thing with the police, a shady group of people that were doing drugs threw rocks at us, hit a young child in the head with one of those rocks, verbally threatened our (Me, a friend, and the four little kids she was watching) lives, and caused the youngest of the kids to fall from a 7ft drop. My friend called the police then had to leave so she hung up on them to avoid getting in trouble with her mom so I called them back, met with an officer and handled it from there. That hardly shook me up at all, but finding out that the friend that I was with cuts herself, the day after I?d just talked to a counselor for pretty much the same thing, sent me for the complete loop.

I don?t know if there?s an appointment set up about the social worker, they really don?t tell you before the appointment unless you schedule the appointment yourself. It?d be so much easier if I wasn?t so ?picky? about who I can and cannot talk to. I think my doubts that I can make it come from the fact that I don?t think I?ve ever made it through a week in general, let alone a week where I don?t spend any part of the day doing something important. What do/did you do during the times you have/had to wait?
I can do those things for the most part, but unless I walk my dog with Sir (Another dog), I?m still going to be in the area for over an hour on those four free days.
 

Eunoia

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2005
Messages
785
Points
16
I've had that too, where you feel really lost and a whole range of emotions when you find out someone you know is dealing w/ the same or similar thing(s) you're dealing with... I think part of it is expecting that they're okay and when you find out your reality turns out to be completely wrong... which really shouldn't be too surprising b/c if people don't know about you then what makes you think you know about everyone else, right? another part, at least for me, is feeling really bad for them b/c you know what kind of pain they're in... wanting to reach out to help them. I think that you can use your own experiences to help your friend feel a little less "strange" or alone, but I can guarantee you she also needs someone to talk to- you can't fix her- you can be a good friend and listen to her, but you can't fix her... can you get her to talk to a counselor? also, she seems to be comfortable telling you this, what were to happen if you were to tell her about yourself? it might make it easier on both of you, but no matter what you do, try to stay somewhat objective in this- I know that's difficult, but people often get lost in someone else's problems, espec. if it's similar to their own, and focus all their attention on getting them better, when really you should be focusing on yourself, b/c you can't truly be there for someone else if you're too emotionally attached to what they're going through... basically I'm saying, maybe this is an opportunity for you to be honest w/ one of your friends, and if you want to help her you could get her to talk to a counselor too- maybe if you tell her you went she'll be more likely to go too.

I think it makes sense that you're "picky" about who you talk to and feel comfortable opening up... in fact, most people will have an easier time opening up to some people than others... I don't see any reason why you should have to talk to and re-tell everything to every counselor at your school if you'd rather talk to that one counselor. The reason why you ended up talking to another counselor was probably b/c the one you like was busy but she wanted to make sure you were okay and follow-up like you were told.... she wasn't abandoning you, but I think maybe you could tell her that you feel really comfortable talking to her and would prefer to continue to do so (along w/ the social worker) in regards to any of this- then at least she knows. also, just ask her about the social worker again after your break, I'm sure she will re-explain and tell you when you can expect to have an app't.

I don?t think I?ve ever made it through a week in general
but you have made it through a week before, you're here now, and you said yourself that you tend to wait to si until your ealier cuts etc. have healed... that takes more than a week. so you should give yourself some credit even if it doesn't feel like much. also, you don't have a week of nothing, you said you're busy until Wed. and you still have your dog to take for walks. what do you mean by doing something important? what qualifies as important to you? school? maybe think about that and make a list of things that you consider important and try to do them or something related to them... I find that as simple as it sounds sometimes we have to be really mechanical/ organized about things, maybe if you write out a bunch of things you could potentially do and keep that list w/ you, when you reach a really bad day or moment you can take the list out and remind yourself that you do have things to do- or most importantly that you DO have options. One thing that tends to help me is to stay busy- which can be a good or a bad thing, but I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing, which then gives you time to worry about things/engage in self-destructive behaviour etc. You can stay busy doing things you like though. I tend to spend a lot of time catching up w/ friends if it's during a break and doing things for myself, having a job helped (which I know you can't do b/c of your age but maybe you could look into volunteering somewhere?)... also, having a break really does give you time to do all those odd things that you never find time to do but that have to be done. I'm sure you could find some of those... and if it's just "waiting" but not during? a break, all that you can do is get through each day trying to focus on what you have to do that day, maybe breaking down your day into smaller pieces, doing one thing and then moving onto the next- and knowing that whatever you're waiting for will come, but you have to get through this moment/day 1st. Whatever happens will happen, but you will get through the coming week. maybe you could "reward" yourself for making it through each day (with what depends on what you would find rewarding).... also, do you ever write things down? sort of like a journal? it can really help, maybe you could give that a try....
 

Cheyenne

Member
Joined
Feb 18, 2006
Messages
56
Points
6
It was really surprising to me to find out because the last time we had talked was the first time we had met, and she wasn?t doing it then or at least she had no marks, but this last time she had several. And the only reason we met was because of what I had done to myself, she asked me if I was okay and then we got a conversation started. And I think the only reason she told me this was because I had noticed it previously and she realized I had noticed, told me, then rolled her sleeves down to cover it and changed the subject completely. I honestly don?t think I could get her to talk to a counselor. We?re not good friends, just people that talk occasionally, we don?t even know each other?s names (I THINK I know her first name, but that?s it) and definitely not much else about one another. But if I see her again I guess I could try. And I simply can?t accept telling anybody about myself. I?ve lied to them all before about it, and most people know me as very trustworthy - I don?t want to lose that trust. I?ve already lied to her while she told me the truth, it?s not right. I think I?m only able to tell the truth if I start off telling the truth, if I start off by lying I just continue to tell the lies about it.

When I say I?m picky about who I talk to, I don?t just mean ?opening up? to them, I mean anything from that to just a casual conversation, ?How are you? What?ve you been up to lately?? kind of stuff. When I try to talk to most adults, including my own parents, I mostly just can?t talk, at least the first few times I meet them. The only exception to this ?rule? is emergency personnel such as police officers, paramedics, and firemen and the occasional other adult I can talk to without even thinking about it too much (Such as my bus driver and the counselor I like).
I?m sure that she was busy and that she really does care and just wanted to check up or else she wouldn?t of had the other counselor see me - a counselor which was not the one I was seeing, and not the one assigned to me (I had specifically told her why I would not want to see the counselor assigned to me). I guess I have a lot of faith in this counselor - that they?re honest with me and are trying to help. I don?t even know why, I just do. But I will talk to her sometime next week, if she doesn?t contact me, I?ll contact her.

Yeah I guess, but a week and a half to heal, which is how long it actually takes, is still not very long between each time. I consider important as things school-related and walking dogs, nothing else really qualifies as important to me. If I can skip out on it without easily noticeable negative effects, it?s not important. I put ?easily noticeable negative effects? because I don?t consider eating as very important, and while I know it?s bad for my health I don?t really notice. I?ll try writing out a list of things to do. I?ve tried volunteering places, but most require an adult present, and the only volunteering I think I could do around the neighborhood would be dog-walking, and I already do that and it?s not particularly helpful.

I usually write big events that happen in my life, but not ?til well after it happens. Every once in a while I?ll just write a story of some sort, and lately I?ve been copying things down in my notebook as something enjoyable to read during Study Hall since I?m not a fan of reading books.
 

Cheyenne

Member
Joined
Feb 18, 2006
Messages
56
Points
6
I failed miserably on Monday.
I don?t understand it at all. I did it at home, I?ve NEVER done it at home before, I wasn?t even thinking about it at the time either, I was doing something else to entertain myself when I just did it unexpectedly. And what I used to do it had been in my hand for at least an hour before I did it. And my response to it was not the typical calm, ?whatever? response, I panicked. It was bad, the second I did it I knew it was bad, in terms of depth this is the worst injury I?ve ever had, even when compared to other injuries in which I?ve gotten stitches for. On Tuesday I couldn?t walk properly, and I also learned not to take the bandage off - ever, it turned into a very bad situation at my drivers class when I did. This is the first time I?ve ever felt ashamed of what I?d done, I regret it completely. I?m completely bewildered. It doesn?t make sense. I just want school to start, I need some constructive way to spend my time, where I couldn?t possibly hurt myself, I don?t even think it?s about the counselor anymore.

I can make it to at least Monday now, though, it?s not a long time to go since it?s already Thursday. It upsets me that I couldn?t make it anywhere near how long I wanted to, but I guess that Tuesday to at least Monday will be something. And I did go awhile between the previous injury healing and causing this one. I locked up what I used for my current injury, along with everything in my room that could easily be just as damaging, to get to it I?d have to think I wanted to do it, and thinking about it completely deters me from the idea. I hope it will all work out. I've planned the rest of the week to doing things I need to do and things that I would like to do.


I?d just like to say thanks for helping me out and listening to what I?ve had to say. Thank you for your support.
 

Diana

Member
Joined
May 26, 2005
Messages
297
Points
16
Hi Cheyenne. I don't know much about si, but maybe the fact that you panicked this time is kind of a good thing. I think you're making yourself aware of what you're doing, even if you're not aware of it while you are doing it. It sounds to me like you're ready to get some help with this. I really hope you can get some good suggestions from that counselor - maybe about someone to start seeing. So much has been on your mind lately, which is probably what triggered the last episode. I wish you luck finding help and keep us posted. Stay strong.
 

Cheyenne

Member
Joined
Feb 18, 2006
Messages
56
Points
6
Just an update?

I talked to the counselor today, she said she could contact the social worker and that she would tell the social worker just a basic idea of what?s going on. But she said that she would need my parents permission to see the social worker and that the social worker would have to touch base with my parents like she did - Call them up and tell them I am hurting myself. And the social worker would see if I needed to see someone, like outside of school. That?s where my problem is. My dad left the other day to do something for work and I don?t know when he?ll be back, so I asked the counselor not to call today. She said to just put in for a pass or write her a note when he gets back. My dad would be willing to help me out, but my mom is completely unreasonable. My dad?s going to be gone a lot soon for training and then he?s going to Iraq for another year. So I?ll be stuck with my mom, with no back-up, for a year. I can?t handle that. I couldn?t handle that last time my dad went to Iraq, my brother was just the one that snapped instead of me. She?s already bothering me, saying that if I don?t start eating at least one meal every day that I won?t be able to walk the dogs, even though it was doing what she told me to do, not walking the dogs, that caused me not to eat those four days. And I have absolutely no doubts that if I was prohibited from walking the dogs I would end up with more problems than I have now, in fact, I?d guarantee it.
That whole situation is why I doubt I?m going to end up with the social worker, though I?ll probably explain to the counselor why I can?t go through with it. Maybe after my dad gets back from Iraq, but not now. Hopefully I?ll be able to control it and myself until then.

Thanks for being supportive, I?m just sorry that it?s all going up in flames now.

The only good thing is that talking with the counselor about the whole thing with my friend has made it so it doesn?t effect me anymore and the friend that I wasn?t allowed to see I am now allowed to hang out with until she moves which will be sometime within the next four months.



Also, Mr. Baxter, I figure you'll probably read this, sorry to hear of the loss of your friend, Dennis Lewis. May he rest in peace.
 

Latest posts


Top Bottom