Bad pass

[Ashley-Kate]

i am not quite sure if any of you have noticed but i am in sort of a bad pas like every were that i look the doors seem to close on me. i am frightened by this but feel powerless to stop it.. i have been on a pass of anorexia trying to beet my bulimia by the other extremity but i knew deep down that it would only be temporarly .. My bulimia is back and oh how i wish to be anorexic ... it sounds sary but in my head it just seems so much more fun to be that way.. but my mentality does not seem to function in that dynamic i just need everything to be able to purge to rid my body of everything cause i was unable to before but the thing is yes i do understand my e-d unlike many bbut i can't stop it it's like an on going struggle i look at my friends and familly that seem clueless that the nightmare has started over for me and in my head i am screaming at them at te top of my lungs but they can't hear...? Any body would notice but they seem to avoid it hoping that it is not true but i am sffering mentaly and physicly .. i am scared but don't know who to tell my familly probably would want to get rid of me cause i have too much to deal with and i demand too much of them ... i have no psychologist here were i am now and if i tell the one that i had in the programme she will put me back in a part of me sais wait a couple of months when oyu are 18 your familly has no control and will be less ticked off at you if somthing happens and they won't have to know ... or just stay this way you deserve it ashley ...so many voices ringing not sure witch one to listen too please help i am lost scared nothing is functionnal anymore....the little girl i once was wants a say in this but her voice is so fragile and so low that i can hardly listen to it.
yours trully

ashley-kate

 

[David Baxter PhD]

1. I highly doubt that you're family would want to get rid of you, Ashley.

2. If you were to talk to your previous psychologist, I very much doubt that s/he would hospitalize you - but she just might try to pull a few strings to get you some help.

3. You should be reminding/nagging that social worker every day - let her know you really need to see someone quickly.

 

[Diana]

You made such a HUGE move before when you got help. You can do it again. Make your voice be heard. Nag the social worker like David said.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

nagging would be the exact thing i am doing but after 3 messagews on her machine i am guessing that she is too busy for me and even at that i am not going to go lean on her because at the moment i am now in the process of getting a new therapist and i meat with her and her boss on monday to do so the one that will be replacing her will most likely be one that i know from teaching at my school and also she was the one that replaced the other when i had to go to my appointments i3 hours away she would bring me and we would talk about everything so i hope that works but i don,t knwo yet today i am seeing the psych-educator that works at my school cause he noticed i look down.. (and it doesn't help that this week is the suicide prevention week so it is like we can't look sad or someone will notice) and i hate te guy i saw him before and he odes not understand a bit he interupts me all the time and doesn't understand anything about what i need and what i am going threw and due to my past ib find it so much more relevent to be in the same room as a female psychologist than a male.. so i am not loooking forward to it...
i talk to my other psychologist but by e-mail i stick with general stuff like notesa nd friends and my eating disorder thoughts not going to much into detail with her by feer tat she reads different than what ib am trying to say.
yours trully ashley-kate