Balancing Relationship and School

[gooblax]

I'm in a long distance relationship with a guy living in the U.S. and I'm in Australia, with a 14-16 hour time difference depending on daylight savings. He's suffering from chronic insomnia, so is awake past 4am most nights (which is 8-10pm here). He also spends a lot of time at home during the day and night. So on days I don't have school, it's possible for us to talk on an instant messenger from the time I wake up to just a few hours before I go to bed (as well as him having a number of extra hours awake, while I'm asleep). This isn't ideal, since I'd quite like a bit of time to myself and I have trouble completing my school work.

The problem is, he's admitted to feeling terribly lonely when he can't be with me. And when he's lonely, he sometimes has flashback-type things. He's also told me that he has separation anxiety, and guess who's the lucky subject of that at the moment...

I really want him to be happy, but the current situation is difficult enough and I know he wants more time with me. Apparently he's not happy unless he's with me, which is clearly not healthy. I've suggested hobbies and making new friends, but he's given reasons that he can't/won't try those. He's looking forward to the new healthcare program to be able to afford therapy... I really enjoy spending time with him, just not quite so much. But it hurts to know that he's upset and really don't want to cause more of that by cutting down time with him. (Also, there's the thing about instant messenger not being the same as face-to-face in terms of quality conversation or quality time together, so it doesn't actually feel as long as it is...)

I really don't know what I can do until he can get some professional help (and even then I'm sure I won't know what to do, but at least there'd be someone else to be there for him)... I love this guy (or since it's an internet relationship, I love the person I believe him to be. Either way) and I want him to be happy and healthy. Is there anything I can do to help him? And how can I spend some time with him, but not too much?

 

[Retired]

Is there anything I can do to help him?

The very best you can do for this person is to persuade him to seek some form of therapy locally. I don't know when the magic wand of medical care in the U.S. will finally become reality, but you need to encourage your froiend to use his imagination. along with referrals from local aid and support agencies to find help.

Whe he is in crisis, he should be calling the local crisis line, where he can speak to someone with knowlege of local conditions. This might also be a resource for him.

Does this person have any military background, or is he a student in University where there might be a Student Health service?

Is there any chance he may be telling you these things to try to maintain control of your feelings and commitment to him?

What assurance do you have this person is what is claimed?

 

[Daniel E.]

Is there anything I can do to help him?

Other than what TSOW said, not really. Besides, if he really needs professional support and other forms of emotional support, that is his family's responsibility.

He's looking forward to the new healthcare program to be able to afford therapy...

While it's true that many families in the U.S. do live paycheck-to-paycheck without health insurance, they often have community-based resources available to them that they may not be aware of. Also, most people in the United States can afford therapy, at least if they are willing to have parents or other family members help pay for it. (For example, a lot of people who think they can't afford therapy would find a way to pay for dental care like braces if they really thought it was necessary.)

If he really wants therapy (and there is no way to really know that for sure), he may be able to get free or low-cost mental health counseling from Catholic Family Services and possibly some organizations affiliated with the United Way:

Call 2-1-1 for help with food, housing, employment, health care, counseling and more.

http://www.211.org/

And, like TSOW said, if he is a student, there are additional resources that are likely available to him. For non-students, some university psych clinics only charge $40 or even less. Also, there always free support groups in larger cities, including some MeetUp.com groups.

And how can I spend some time with him, but not too much?

One option would be using e-mail more often than IM. (Ideally, using an anonymous e-mail account.)

But it hurts to know that he's upset and really don't want to cause more of that by cutting down time with him.

But have you considered that you may be enabling his behavior of overusing the Internet if you do what he wants? As I think you would agree, there's something to be said for "tough love." I assume the last thing he needs is more face time with the Internet.

This isn't ideal, since I'd quite like a bit of time to myself and I have trouble completing my school work

Is anything about this relationship ideal? He doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart:

but the current situation is difficult enough and I know he wants more time with me

 

[gooblax]

Thanks for your replies TSOW and Daniel.

I spoke with him today about possible options (like the University counselling for non-students, crisis lines etc.) but he's going to wait for the healthcare reform (about 6 months until they start some coverage for pre-existing conditions, as far as I'm aware)... His doctors had suggested some medications to him in the past, but due to his financial situation he could only afford to purchase one regularly - he picked the anti-anxiety meds and is still taking them.

Is there any chance he may be telling you these things to try to maintain control of your feelings and commitment to him?

Yes, there's a chance of that, but if so I don't believe it to be from any malicious intent (nor do I think that it's fictitious, at all).

What assurance do you have this person is what is claimed?

None, other than a very limited online conversation with a friend of his. But I still trust him.

Is anything about this relationship ideal?

Plenty of things are. I enjoy the time I spend with him, when it's in moderation. I feel accepted for who I am in the relationship, and through this I've noticed a real improvement in my self confidence. I enjoy sharing parts of my life with him, and I feel proud of the things he accomplishes. Seeing a smile on his face brightens my whole day. ...

Really, there are two parts to the issue and they just happen to have a crossover.
1) I feel stressed from not completing my school work in a timely manner, because I have difficultly balancing that with the time I want to spend with him. (ie. "I really should be doing X but I'd rather be with him.")
2) He's exhibiting a dependence on spending time with me, so I allocate more time for him and sometimes this crosses into what I feel to be too much. (ie. "I'm feeling worn out from this and want a break from being with him.")

I guess the best course of action would be to set a timetable for myself (and subsequently let him know) so that I get my time sorted out how I need to. Does that sound about right?

 

[Daniel E.]

His doctors had suggested some medications to him in the past, but due to his financial situation he could only afford to purchase one regularly - he picked the anti-anxiety meds and is still taking them.

There are more than a few generic psych medications that are only $4-$10 a month at Walmart or other nationwide pharmacies, including the generics for Celexa, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Buspar, Paxil, Remeron, and Zoloft:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...-saving-on-prescription-drugs.html#post151451

($10 is less than what many insured Americans pay as a co-payment every time they get a medication refill.)

 

[Daniel E.]

I guess the best course of action would be to set a timetable for myself (and subsequently let him know) so that I get my time sorted out how I need to. Does that sound about right?

At the risk of stating the obvious, the best course of action is whatever is best for you. You don't even have to be nice about it

As far as how to spend less time with him, another option (other than shifting to e-mail or sticking to some schedule) would be refraining from IMing him until you were done with most of your studying for that day. So your IMs would be a reward for studying Yet another option would be reducing the number of days you are visible to him on IM.